To feel regretful, anxious and overwhelmed for finally leaving

[lonelysenmum]

I'm due to move out of the family home soon, just me and my son who has additional needs, I've been getting my ducks in a row for a few months now and I've had loads of help from my parents to find somewhere and furnish it etc, the new house is not quite ready to move I to get and I want to keep the transition as smooth as possible for my son.

The relationship with my son's dad hasn't always been bad, but he's a very selfish and closed minded person. He point blank refuses to help me at all with our son, no personal care, dressing, feeding, bedtimes, he won't even look after him for a few hours at a time, and when I ask why he says "he just doesn't want to". We both know it's because "he's hard work" in his own words.

He's been horrible to me for many years, constanly bullying me, calling me names when things dont go his way or giving me silent treatment. Until i had my own money he would make me beg for money or only give me it if I did "things for him" mostly sexual, didn't allow me to return to work as a HCA because he didnt want to share childcare and we "didn't need the money". He treats me like a house slave and will say "it's your job to stay at home and do everything". We haven't had a sexual relationship for years unless it's on his terms. He will expect sexual favours from me but refuse to actually engage in any sex or anything with me. Calls me names, slut, fat bitch, ugly etc. he's eve started calling out son names, spastic, stupid etc. the list goes on and on.

I have very poor mental health and have done for many years, diagnosed OCD and anxiety, as well as depression. Despite all he is done and made me feel over the years, I've used his physical presence as a comfort blanket, like a physical presence that makes me feel less anxious, even though he's mocked me and laughed in my face for years about my mental struggles..

I know that I need to leave, I am unhappy, and I don't want to waste my life with him when he can't/won't give me what I want. He is in agreement that I should leave now but I think I he was calling my bluff. I feel so anxious and scared, and it's taking all my strength to not back out and just stay. I know I will manage financially. It's more the fear of it will only be me and my son and I have horrible thoughts and anxiety that if anything happens to me, what about my son? What if I drop dead and no one is there to help?? It sounds ridiculous. I know. But for the sake of my mental comfort I feel like just staying and being miserable but I know I can't do that/shouldn't do that.

I've got so many mixed emotions, so much fear and really no one to turn to for advice. I have my parents and they know bits and bobs, but I've never told them the full extent of what's been going on, they know I have mental health issues obviously but I don't think they realise how bad they are, and they are very black and white thinkers. In the sense they think I'm just being silly and they laugh at me.

I don't know what to do, I really need some one to put this into perspective for me.

Thank you if you make it this far.

You're doing so well.

Your feelings are natural, it’s a big change, a positive change.

You will be surprised how much children adapt, at the age of 4 he will honestly be fine
A lovely little house for you and him , lovely you & son time
Nobody in tge background pulling you down , calling you names
He absolutely sounds a disgusting disrespectful pig
He won’t engage with his own child in any way or form 😡

please do this for your own mh & your son , he is not a dad as dad’s do not treat their child like he does.
You are on your on with your son already, you’ve just got a pig in the background giving orders

Get out and get your life back....
It might be a big change for your little one but for the long term, it will become a happy home for you two ...

The moment you pass that threshold, you will to feel better 💛

You said you feel guilty because your son has started showing more interest in his dad recently. OP, that is absolutely all the more reason to do it now, because he will soon realise that his dad isn't interested in him!

Your life can only get better once you are rid of this vile man.

Thanks for all your comments so far. It is a big change, for both of us. I'm a creature of habit. I've never dealt well with change and the uncertainty of the future makes me very anxious and scared. I guess that's having severe OCD that causes that. I'm still working on the fact I can't control the outcome of everything. I guess somehow, I've tricked myself into feeling safe in this chaos, and that's why I'm having second thoughts cos being here and just putting up with it feels safer to me than going it alone.

Wishing you and your son all the best op, I'd say once you're settled for a while you'll feel so safe and proud of yourself for doing what you know is the right thing for both you and your son, ie getting away from such an abusive person. No one should have to put up with the abuse you are both receiving.

You and your son both deserve so much more and you're sorting that out. You're stronger than you think.

Does your DP (😡) know where you are going? Be careful about sharing your address and do every visitation through a third party/ social worker. Look after yourself. X

He knows I'm going back to my hometown. I'm not worried about him, he doesn't drive, I've been his glorified taxi for years. Lol

Honestly...wear slippers. Move now and be done with him.

It's natural to be scared of any change, even positive change, after being entrenched so long in an abusive relationship.

Behind you is only sorrow, ahead of you is only hope and positivity. As much as you can simply take the steps moment by moment, day by day, to leave, without analysing and overthinking. You've already thought it all through, you have the keys. Now is the time to shake off doubts as they come, literally give yourself a little shake and keep busy, take your precious boy and yourself to your new safe home away from abuse before it escalates which it would.

You've been very brave, just keep being brave and get yourself in your new home, time will bring you peace and confidence again.

Where did you read that we have furniture? We have hardly any furniture. No sofa, no TV. He has a bed, here. I don't have one. Also, the gas is capped. It is not ready to move into at all..

No, no school sorted yet. He had a place confirmed here not obviously that's pointless now. Our Sen family worker told me to wait until I move properly to contact school admissions and ask for a switch over. I'm not sure how it's all going to go tbh. He is summer born so worse case scenario he can defer until next September. The issue is finding a school who can meet his needs.

This is heartbreaking to read. A mother constantly abused, a child being abused as well and the only thing stopping them from fleeing the abuse is the mother’s conviction that a carpet is needed.

OP, please contact Women’s Aid, the police or any local organisation. They can provide support, advice, counselling and even find you a TV and a carpet. The longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to leave and the more likely the risk to your son being affected by the abusive home he lives in.

He will be upset for a few days in an unfamiliar place, but the longer you stay where you are the higher the likelihood that what he is seeing and experiencing at home damages and hurts him not for days but for life. You are the only one who can protect him, you are not protecting him by keeping him in that environment.

I haven't read thread fully, but just want to say I have a profoundly autistic child and my partner is brilliant. We both chip in together and sometimes there are curt words (usually because our ears are being blasted by vocal stimming) but we do sort things out. It can be expected in our situation. It is incredibly tough looking after a child like this and does break a lot of relationships, but you are looking after two people here by the sounds of it.

I think it is very sad to get to this point and I can understand why parents disengage and get depressed, but he is totally unwilling to change and is blaming you. You have absolutely done the right thing. It is the best thing for your child.

I think with the school you will probably need to seek support with getting him in the right school and it is probably better you get the ball rolling once you move as it can take time. IPSEA and other SEN sites can help explain the process. Do you have DLA sorted for your child? His needs sound quite high?

There is a poster that hangs around the SN Children board that knows her stuff and will probably be there if you post something asking for advice. PM me if you want any advice on this.

You are so brave and strong. Having all these feelings is normal but you’ll get through it, you’re doing the right thing for you and your child.

Thank you. He receives middle rate DLA and gas done since last year. He has input from the SEN inclusion service in my area, SALT, family hub. All of which will need to be transferred to the local authority where we are moving to. He was declined the EHCP assesment. The place he has for school here was at a mainstream school but they had sen provisions and a sen hub. I have researched the area where we are going to but none of th main stream schools have much by way of a sen provisions. There is a independent school for only children with EHCP and high needs alas he does not have the EHCP.

I don't think it was that we disengaged, my ex has always been this way, and when I point out his treatment of ds he says "he never wanted him in the first place". He really has always done th bare minimum. But has older, neuro typical children that he makes lots of effort with.

Well done for sorting this all out and being (almost) ready to leave OP. You have done so well, and it is really scary but you know it's the right thing to do and so try not to think about it too much and just do it. You will get through the worst bit.

What helped me, was becoming my own cheerleader. I would literally congratulate myself for everything I did that was hard, out loud. Like giving myself a pat on the back!

Presumably you've seen your GP about your mental health? It may be worth telling them about what's happening, they can refer you to a DV charity.

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately some people are very much like that. Well done for taking a leap of faith and making the decision to leave.

Did you appeal the decision not to assess? Unfortunately LAs sometimes expect people to appeal and will always say no first (this has been my experience for virtually everything - you have to use the law as they ignore it), but I don't know your child.

My child is non verbal at 7 and in nappies and in specialist, so has severe learning disabilities too. He managed a year in MS with support but it was clear from day 1 it wouldn't work there. It may be that your child can manage a mainstream with support, but don't feel like you can't apply for an EHCP again if you think he needs it. It's bloody shitty he hasn't helped you with any of this either, as even getting support and learning how to adapt to your child's needs is incredibly demanding of your time and mental energy. You have done brilliantly given he has tried to knock your confidence at every opportunity.

I think it’s because you said you’ve had help from your parents to find a place and furnish it so it sounded like you had already furnished it?

Following. Your situation is eerily similar to mine. I wish you all the luck in the world to finally be free. I’m 9 months out xx

It's absolutely normal to feel like that. It will get better, you will see. It won't be immediate, but little by little. You will look back from time to time and see how much better you are, I promise.

I do have help and they have said they will do their best to help me financially with buying furniture but it's a slow process. Once I've got a sofa and taken DS toys and belongings, and a TV at least, fridge etc.

How has it been for you? Any advice so far?

This man has brought out the worst anxieties in you. Of course the thought of changing your life has triggered massive doubts, it's natural, but that's all it is. Once you no longer have him casting such a dark shadow on your lives, you will start to relax.
The fear of being on your own - I get it but if anything happened to you now, he wouldn't step up anyway.
It will be much better when you move and thought parents will be able to offer more help.
Please find a way to tell them more of what you are going through. You don't need to give all the awful details, but enough so they understand why you need to leave.