AIBU to feel helpless about overnight contact after abuse allegations?

[Mallard3]

My ex abused myself and our children emotionally for years, the children also physically.
I am guilt ridden and it took a serious physical injury to one of my children to pluck up the courage to leave. But i was feeling paralysed with fear and regret for a long time and just not strong enough.
He was arrested for that assault but charges were dropped as our child was deemed "not interviewable"
I went to court, got a non molestation order. Applied for an emergency child arrangement order.
He had supervised visits only for a while, cafcass recommended no contact whatsoever.
Then social services did a section 7 and recommended unsupervised visits and overnight stays with him. They downplayed the incident, say i cant prove the other incidents and have fully believed his lies ( about what happened, situations and about me) in front of them and to the court by the childrens father.
Judge agreed and they are having over night stays with him again.

I have been more or less told i need to wait until something bad happens again.

I am devastated and anxious and upset.
How is this happening? How can this happen?
He smacked them regularly. Caused bruises at least 3 times to one of the children. I tried to never leave them alone with him but couldnt always be there.

I am finacially ruining myself with solicitor and barrister costs. Final hearing still to come. I hardly have any money left.

I am just failing to understand how this is possible. And how they ( judge and social services) can think this is okay and in the past?
They had a few unsupervised contacts now and already my older child has been scared twice by a reaction by their father.

But, also....the children do want to see their father and they do want over night stays with him. ( both primary age), older child says " i can deal with it and would rather see Daddy and be hurt or shouted at"

AIBU to feel devastated and helpless and that this is wrong?

....i have name changed for this post as it is quite outing....

I don’t understand why the bar is so low for men. I can understand why women stay in these relationships so they can keep the children safe in their presence.

I almost feel i have made their situation worse as i can now not be there anymore to try and keep them safe. But on the other hand it was horrible at home for a long time. With lots of arguments over how he was treating the kids ( and me)

How can seeing a parent who physically assaults them be in their best interests? Surely if there are police reports and evidence they cant downplay it? Thankfully I have no experience of family court but I am led to believe that courts always seem to want to facilitate contact even at the expense of the children’s wants. Basically prioritising what the parent wants over the interests of the children. Horribly unfair.

Spoke to social services after their section 7 report and asked how they can recommend this with the amounts of times they were physically hurt ( never mind the emotional abuse and threats towards them)
Social ladies response was " but they said they want to see him" , also that i have no prove of most allegations ( she never bothered to actually meet our older child before her report) , and also obviously their father has told terrible lies about me.
Kids are clear they want to live with me but see him for over nights.

Nothing I have said to cafcass, social services, court was a lie. But he has lied. But i cant prove it.
Even his arrest is being downplayed. Father says child was misbehaving and it was an unfortunate accident ( it wasnt and child wasnt misbehaving)

I really feel for you. This would be my worst nightmare. However if the kids are saying they want to see him then that is in some ways reassuring. Unless it’s out of fear? But it does suggest that they still love him despite his awful parenting. I guess at this point all you can do is make sure they are comfortable telling you anything that happens that they aren’t happy with. It takes a real piece of shit to abuse and physically hurt kids like this.

Of course they love him! And I will not ever bad mouth him in front of the children. But its hard to see that one of our children had 2 black eyes and several bruises to his body over a period of time. I guess its some kind of trauma bond?

Black eyes? I am stunned that this has been glossed over by the authorities.

It has been. Reported to police. Social services involved.

I was kind of hoping for some support, opinions or a handhold. Maybe it sounds unbelievable?
Haven't got much real life support as I am relying to heavily on my few friends already.

This is a terrible situation and genuinely so sad. I feel the whole court system is there to only support men. I’m not surprised by social services I know how genuinely awful a parent has to be before they do anything.

But, also....the children do want to see their father and they do want over night stays with him. ( both primary age), older child says " i can deal with it and would rather see Daddy and be hurt or shouted at"

This is absolutely heartbreaking, do social services know the child has said this?

They do, they don't care. They say its he said she said situation and unless my children disclose to official people it will not be taken into account

I'd be sending them with a recording device in their bag.

It is an horrific situation that you’re in. You’re sadly wasting your money. My Dfriend is going through a similar situation, she had to pay for a psychiatric evaluation on him as she said he was vicious, despite his previous arrests for assault on her, he passed, he has the toddler who he endangered every second weekend. He doesn’t even want the child, he wants to hurt her.

This must be horrible as a parent, I’m so sorry.

Do school have a full picture of what’s going on? If so I would ask them to arrange some sort of drawing and talking therapy or play therapy or something for the children. And then reassure the kids that they can tell the therapist anything.

School therapists/ELSAs are mandated reporters so anything they disclose will then be evidenced…

Similar situation here OP, despite knowing of physical abuse social services still say yes the children can stay overnight.
If it doesn't 'reach a threshold' then it seems nothing is done. School report every tale from ex's house so noone is denying it happens, but it isn't bad enough 🙄