Those who’ve left a bad relationship, with kids, what happened next?

[CurioCity]

My “partner” is an alcoholic, who displays controlling and coercive behaviour, including financial abuse and isolation. He treats me with contempt most days. He’d always treated me well until I was pregnant. Our child is now 2. I’d like to leave, but I’m scared of him having unsupervised access.

Has anyone been through similar? What happened?

Or does anyone know someone who has?

I’d speak to Women’s Aid OP. Get some help regarding leaving.

I have, I didn’t find it particularly enlightening. I don’t need a refuge or anything so don’t need any practical help.

Was just wondering if others, who’ve been through it, would share how it went.

At the moment I’m torn between staying, where I can police his behaviour to an extent, or leaving, where I’d be free, but I’d have to leave DC to see him sometimes.

Hi OP, sounds similar to my situation.. I had the same fear that he would get unsupervised access to DC and had sought legal advice where my fears were confirmed.
I stayed until DC turned 5 then couldn't
do it anymore...
I had rules such as breathalyzer on collection & return which he fairly quickly refused, then a family member to do the driving, in reality he made a lot of demands but little effort phased out over about 18 months and now nothing.
Like you I found Womens Aid not useful for my needs...
Its tricky because it is your responsibility to safeguard your child but assuming he is on the birth certificate he has equal parental responsibility. I can say that despite not being plainsailing, leaving was the best thing ive ever done💐

My ex is serving a prison sentence for coercive control. I luckily managed to get some photo evidence of the bruising he caused. Did it on my phone but he found them and deleted them. Going through my phone was a regular thing. So used my daughters old phone. Document what you can. So much more happened too. Hitting, biting, breaking my phones, name calling, dented my car from punching it.

State you want supervised visits. If he refuses he can go to mediation then court. I did that with my older children's Dad (not the one in prison) He was physical with me before he left and left me to struggle financially. Didnt bother with the kids till he left. Would never buy them anything while living at home. Once he got unsupervised visits he'd buy them a toy and 2 magazines each every week (when he lived with us one magazine was seen as expensive lol) Then would tell them go home call mum this, dont do as your told etc. He go unsupervised after we went to court. Only 2 hours a week which was meant to increase. It never did. Kids ended up they didnt want to go anymore so went back to my solicitor. Told her everything they told me (like how his new girlfriends daughter was riding around in the boot of his car because the car was full 5 seats 2 adults and 4 children in the car) is wanted them so have a relationship with him just a safe one so she wrote a letter basically saying attend parenting classes or its going to court again for supervised visits. That was October 2017. Still waiting for a reply. He rings them once a week

I contacted the police after abuse. He left. I cracked on. Genuinely believed I couldn't manage myself however even though it was only 18 months ago I find it hilarious.
It was immediately easier. You mentioned you have a place to live.
I chose to allow contact with their dad. I know I can't police it but I stay vigilant and his dad knows he won't have access if he messes up.
As your partner is an alcoholic I imagine soon enough he won't want to see the children and therefore it won't be an issue - without anyone to stop him, he'll just drink x

Thak you for sharing your experiences. I am also wondering if it’d be better if I wait until DC is older and more capable of telling me if anything bad happens. But maybe he’d be less keen to have overnights at this age when it’s “harder.”

He wouldn’t comply with things like breathalysers unless it was court ordered. He is capable of going days/weeks without drinking, but when he does it can be a rapid descent into dangerous behaviour.

I think he’d want EOWE and some weeks in the holidays.

On some weird level I know he doesn’t want to separate. I just don’t understand why he’s so intent on making my life hell.

Has he actually had any intervention/support for the alcoholism? My ex had failed detoxes & rehab on his medical records so I could have fought for the breathalyzer to be mandated if it came down to it.. If its not on his medical records etc its hard to be believed, especially of he can go weeks without a drink. Would he be living alone if you did leave or with family members you could trust to keep an eye on things?

He’d be living alone. Hes not had anything medical though I can try to push it? He has spent months going to AA (last year) and has once collected DC from childcare drunk (on record).

Was in a somewhat similar situation 12 years ago. My ex's abuse was directed at me, not my daughter.

Our lives are so much better since leaving. My daughter only saw him attack me physically once when she was 2, and then I left him. I think if she was older when I left, she would have seen him abuse me more and it would have left her more emotional scars.

After we split up, he wasn't too interested in seeing her very often. I didn't ask for child support as I was afraid he might seek more contact, but I was lucky that I could manage without it. The contact has tailed off over the years and she sees him perhaps once every couple of months. She has had a lot of counselling which has helped her work through some of how she feels.

It sounds likely that he’d get unsupervised access.
Court is apparently ending their ‘access at all costs’ notion. It doesn’t protect children properly where the parent is abusive.
It's utterly shit that abusive parents are given the green light to carry on.

If you stay it’ll be shit for you both, if you leave you’ve got a chance to make things better.

Leave. Don't wait. I wish id left years ago. I stayed as I thought keeping family together was the priority. It doesn't get better.

Financially im better off. Emotionally at peace.

My children are happier, I am happy.

Its really hard with SEN, no support and dealing with him dipping in and out with seeing the children but I wish i had left years ago.

Edited to add: he is an alcoholic. The day i left he was looking after them in the summer holidays whilst I was at work, I came home early, he was drunk before 5pm. That was enough. Initially went no contact but eventually after months of him saying he had stopped drinking agreed to contact. Paid public activity like soft play, but I drop off and pick up. Not good for me but helped my children emotionally at the time.

But as with all alcoholics, it didn't last. We did Saturday mornings and he often cancelled due to not confirming attendance (asleep hungover) or he wasn't fit to drive to meet us. Worked well for me as this was the evidence I needed. I say now that he can take me to court (he wont). I would agree to alcohol testing as part of the court process (he would refuse) and my children remain safe with me.

Most are all talk. Stay calm. Child focused. If you haven't already keep a journal of all time offered with kids, whetger tgis went ahead or not and why. You'll forget in time but its so handy to have your own Chronology prepared in advance.

Fo us on risks to children, safety plans and not your own views.

He disappeared and has never been involved since