TW: AIBU to think we are more protective, not raising weaker children?

[Springiscoming368]

Just seen a post online that said years ago 14 year olds used to be babysitters and now they need babysitting. That we are teaching our newest generation to be weaker and scared.

Im not sure I agree fully, we have had a 14 year old baby sit my kids, and yes we are way more protective now days. However I do believe with the internet that child pornography is easy to access, darker materials are easier to access than ever before. Organised crime is easier with phones / internet. We have easier access to a lot of information.

I know some people will think I’m way over protective. A friend had posted a picture of her child in a swim suit on Friday on social media (not private). All I could think was it’s dangerous. While normal people don’t see anything wrong with it. If an 18 year old posted a picture in a swim suit it’s sexual. If you are attracted to children, it’s sexual being in a swim suit. I hadn’t really thought about it until a documentary showed a child around 5 in their swimsuit at the beach. Some of the comments on the dark web where “I wish I could get a taste of that ***”

Are we raising a weaker generation (although I feel all generations say this every 20 years) or are people just moving with the times. Are people realising that child pornography is more prevalent? Are we more protective but is that a good thing? Are some children growing up too fast as they have easier access to adult films / TV shows etc?

This is the first generation that aren’t binge drinking as much (actively reducing sales which is a problem for alcohol companies), that have lower teenage pregnancy rates. That in itself should be celebrated as a win IMO.

well, we encouraged a lot o findependence in our chidlren but year 4 and under i'd say it' spretty normal not to allow them to play out. some might allow it, but i don't think it's universal or anywhere near universal.

My teens spend quite a lot of time online. They would like to be out more but their friends are more inclined to stay in and socialise through games and what's app. It started for mine during covid lockdown, when going out wasn't an option and they weren't in school so online was the only way they could socialise with their friends. I really didn't like the idea of it, but I also didn't want them socially isolated.

My Mum was very over protective when I was a child/young teenager in the 80s/90s. She would rant and cry if I pushed against her restrictions. The result was that when I left school and went to 6th form, I started lying to her. She had no idea where I actually was most of the time and I got myself into some fairly dodgy situations all because I was too scared to tell my Mum anything.
With my own kids I went the other way (up to a point!). They have always had much more freedom and I have trusted them to make good decisions. I have never tracked them as to me that is completely over the top. They are both teenagers now and have made mistakes of course; but the crucial difference is that they can and do talk to me about pretty much anything. I'm not daft enough to think they don't have secrets, but they ask my advice when they have a problem and they know I will listen to them without getting angry or upset. They are confident and pretty sensible for teenagers!
So in my experience being too protective just drives your kids away and can actually put them in dangerous positions they are not equipped to handle. Looking back, I was very lucky that nothing really awful happened to me at that time.

Safeguarding of children is far more stringent now, once upon a time children would not be believed, it was covered up, people knew but turned a blind eye. Children would be called liars.
As a child of the sixties, and mother of children born late 80s, early 90s, I see now in the noughties, that children do seem more mollycoddled, yet seem to have more freedoms in other ways. I read stuff on forums about 16 year olds being able to bring their boyfriend/girlfriends to the family home and sleep with them.
Back then in my day that would never have been tolerated and I could never have imagined having sex in my home with my parents in the next room.
There maybe a lot of youngsters eschewing alcohol but unfortunately this seems to have been replaced with a huge drugs problem. Ketamine for instance is a huge and very dangerous issue, with, it seems, younger and younger children are accessing it.
How do we deal with this?

I still see plenty of secondary school aged siblings pick up/drop off younger siblings from primary school (SE England).

I also know families who use teenage DC of friends as babysitters.

Personally I can't wait till DS1 can get the local bus by himself in another year or two (he's 10 now) it will make the weekend kids sports logistics so much easier!

And equally creates weak daughters.

The best thing my DD did in her emotionally turbulent teenage years was to join the local girls rugby team.

There is nothing to put teenage angsts into perspective like running across a muddy rain soaked pitch being pursued by some opposing girls trying to plant your face in the mud but importantly also being pursued by your teammates determined to protect you and make sure that doesn't happen.

Also from a school bullying perspective no one fucks with the "rugby girls" at school being they a) they really stick up for each other and b) they're bloody scary!

@1dayatatime my granddaughter does martial arts and nobody messes with her. In today's climate I highly recommend this, especially the quieter shyer children who tend to be the target of bullies

There are no kids outside for kids to play with though.

The streets are empty except for teens zooming around on pushbikes selling weed for county lines.

If our kids are hanging around outside - they are prone to being sucked in by county lines.

It's a real problem.

So whats the solution? What’s the right level of being protective but having successful well rounded adults?

What would you do if you are or were parenting again?

One aspect is that children have to be allowed to take risks (calculated risks). Through taking risks, they learn to fail, they learn to succeed and they learn to persist. Through this they learn confidence and problem solving.

I've conflicting feelings about this. At 16 (in the 1990s) I babysat with a friend and the parents left us six bottles of lager to drink during the evening. Looking back it could have gone really badly, yet it seemed unremarkable at the time. Obviously I would never put my child in this situation but it's hard to find a balance between acceptable risk and unacceptable risk. I think in earlier eras parents just didn't think about it as much.

I totally agree with this, especially the first paragraph

I've been navigating a teen boy through this for the last 5 or 6 years.

From age 11 I coached him on how to spot and avoid county lines ploys and ruses. I taught him to be supportive of friends but keep them at arms length if they began making bad choices re drugs and petty crime. I encouraged him to always have a plan for the day - never just aimlessly wander about. I encouraged him to have an activity as the centrepoint for the day: football, swimming, walking a friends dog. I showed him how to always have a 'way out' if things took a turn and he needed to make an exit.

Other than that he still plays on his xbox, but also goes out and explores his hometown with his friends - but with a purpose or a plan to provide a focus.

He's knows what trouble looks like and how to keep away from it.

He knows the risky areas of town and the risky times of night in certain areas.

He's fiercely protective of friends so will keep them out of trouble rather than invite it.

I felt very under confident about all this when he was 11, but now that he's 16 I feel he'll be ok.

Love this - sounds like very empowering parenting ❤️

Have you read Jonathan Haidt - The Anxious Generation?

it’d all about online safety, anxiety and how ‘risk’ is something completely different for young people now. Some of his main points resonate with exactly what you say.

No, I haven't, but I'm very glad the whole online environment didn't exist when I was a child. That's a whole other landscape to navigate.

I’m not saying I was the perfect parent as I don’t thing anyone is (just as there is no such thing as perfect children) but I don’t think I’d do anything different given I’ve raised 2 independent children who have the confidence to spread their wings and live their life.
You need to step back and not be that helicopter parent. It’s difficult particularly if you can see they’re potentially heading for a fall, but you have to let them learn and be there if needdd.

OK, so Year 4 is at most 9 year old.

I think more parents are closely supervising at that age than not tbh. Most children won't be playing out (in some cases e.g quiet cul de sac they will). Parents will only share photos with close family/friends.

I'd assumed you were be talking about teens or at least 10+, when your stance would be very much overprotective.

@Springiscoming368 Why the trigger warning?