To find 'pretty please' really annoying

[Shinyblackstone]

I am happy to be told I am being unreasonable. I am an experienced primary school teacher and also the mother of a lovely 8 year old girl. She is really sweet, very caring, generally well behaved, a joy in fact.

But she has one habit that is currently really annoying me and that is not taking no for an answer. If she asks something and the answer is no, she starts begging me, asking for explanations and basically not dropping it until I eventually get angry.

Before I had kids I always got really triggered when parents I knew would say no and their kids would badger them until they said yes. I was determined never to do that, and while i broke most of my new mother resolutions, i kept that one.

There is just something about my 'no' being disregarded that makes me so annoyed and my 8 year old just keeps doing it. I dont give mixed messages by giving in and ive told her that no is my boundary and she has to respect it.

Its always for little things like can she stay at the park another 15 minutes or call her friend and if it suits, I am happy to oblige but if it doesnt then I'm not and I feel like I end up standing there explaining my schedule when she should just follow the instruction without a song and a dance.

I mention that I am a teacher because professionally I have always had an expectation that children comply, and they generally do. Ive been teaching longer than ive had kids so maybe im too institutionalised!

I give my daughter a ten and five minute warning when we have to leave somewhere and she has a pretty privileged life, full of love, things, trips, holidays, opportunities so I'm not a mean mum.

My husband also find the begging for more of a good thing very grating . I am happy to continue being consistent with it if the consensus is that I am right and she needs to respect my no. I will reevaluate if the consensus is that children should be allowed to frequently push back.

Her elder sibling is strong willed but also understands the 'no means no' and doesnt push it. I just really cannot stand people who push past 'no' and do not want to create children who disregard other people's wishes.
Maybe its all my issue and this is very normal.

Aibu?

I hate it. My boss at work says it, typically when she's asking me to do something she knows is unreasonable.

It is annoying, it’s ok to be annoyed at that.

'Pretty please with bells on' is even worse! 😆

Keep firm. My youngest is the same. Keep on gritting your teeth.

Yes! Its an awful trait and I just dont want to encourage it. My husband also hates pushy people and we are both in agreement that we do not want our kids to be like that. When we hear 'no' we both back off, generally.

Ok i am glad that everyone else agrees so far. I was doubting myself today. This sounds so silly but my daughter was going down a slide today and as she was climbing up I told her it was the last slide. She came down the slide and tried to do it again and I went after her to get her down. She then ran across the park and started swinging saying 'five more minutes pleeeeease'. I was so annoyed as I had already given her a ten minute warning that it was nearly time to go. I had my younger child and small neices there who followed my instructions at once. It sounds so silly of me!

With a cherry on top is even worse!!

My mum used to say it. I didn’t realise people still did 🤣.

My eldest DC is autistic & had extremely challenging behaviour. As a result no had to mean no, because boundaries have to be clear. DC2 & DC3 have never asked twice after a no. I think they learned from their brother 😂.

All are now adults BTW and none seem to have suffered from no meaning no.

Dd also had a habit of not coming when we would go to pick her up from a party or a friend's house, until my husband told her there would be no more parties until she did what she was told.

She is a great girl in every other aspect which is maybe why I am doubting myself now.

Your DH was absolutely right to say that. She is old enough to understand that she needs to do as she is told and that continuing to try and push the boundaries is disrespectful.

I would be firmly saying 'We will not come to the park again if you are going to be a nuisance when it is time to go'.

I’d be explaining that she’s ruining the experience with her whiney behaviour and this puts me off doing that thing again.

Absolutely do not give in, or you’re teaching her that pleading and whining pay off - training her to keep doing it.

Some children will push boundaries and some won't. At 8 yrs old, she's old enough to be given a consequence for not doing as she's told. You don't have to explain your schedule, give 10 minute warnings or try and reason with her - just say 'I said no, it's time to go' and ignore any further pleas.

"Because I said so" is suitable for use on most occasions.

I always gave ten minutes warnings we were due to leave somewhere so my children could prepare. I then would say just five minutes now, then one last slide, swing etc. I'd have grabbed them if they tried another slide, swing too.

Stick to your guns.

You have just found out the hard way that just because you are a teacher you don't have all the answers when it comes to being a parent.

I explained to mine how annoying that is and why would I reinforce/encourage that behaviour by giving in? If it continues there’ll be X consequence for continued poor behaviour. (I.e. continuing with the begging/emotional blackmail after a clear response).

Works well for the turning off video games tantrums too. Why would I want to encourage this by giving in?

Something like "your persistence is admirable, but you also have to learn that 'no' means 'no'."
(or simply lock them in the basement 😉)

I find a cheery "see you later then" and heading for the exit works every time.

Sounds like she's just pushing boundaries and that's pretty normal.

Have you tried telling DD in a quiet moment at home that her refusal to take a No makes you angry? If she doesn't understand and stop this behaviour, You could tell her that if she does it again leaving the park, you will not be taking her there for a whole week
because it's too annoying for you.

You know you’re doing a great job because your other children listen.

She will learn - eventually.

Stick to your guns. Say no, then don’t engage. Move to where you need to be going or ignore her if she keeps asking.

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say that I personally think there needs to be a bit more nuance in these matters.

My dd is an adult now, but she understood when she was younger that some things were a hard no. Non negotiable, usually because of safety or something where there couldn't be any compromise. However, she also knew that I wasn't just rigid or controlling or authlritarian for no good reason, and that there was scope to negotiate on some matters. I think this was important in the teenage years as she didn't ever feel the need to rebel - she trusted that I had good reason for the hard nos and that I wasn't just throwing my weight around because I could. It meant that our relationship was much less adversarial than the relationship between some of her peers and their parents, and she didn't feel the need to rebel. My own relationship with my parents was very similar.

As a young adult, she isn't remotely pushy, and she certainly doesn't have any trouble accepting other people's boundaries. But she is assertive and capable of negotiating for herself.

My daughter does this

on repeat I calmly say “I have answered your question. I’ve given you the reason and I’m walking away now”

if she continues she gets a time out on the stair. The less I react and and more calmly I say no, the more she lets it go. When I was rising to it it would end up with me shouting

She has asked me when she can next have a playdate and I told her not until she can prove that she follows my instructions. I will just keep at it.

Haha I definitely found this out in much harder ways through the years!!

I’d describe this behaviour as manipulative more than pushy. It’s partly about seeing what they can get away with then exploiting that further.

Giving in to it creates horrible wheedling, princessy adults who think everyone else’s needs come second to their preferences, and that others can be brought into line with tears or a tantrum.