Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to escalate safeguarding concerns further or do I keep quiet?

12 replies

Iristhebutterfly · 03/05/2026 16:01

AIBU to wonder if I should escalate safeguarding concerns further, or is it no longer my place?

Separated from my ex last summer. There are currently a non-molestation order, occupation order and prohibited steps order in place due to escalating domestic abuse and concerns about risk to our two young children.

During the relationship he had a significant hidden alcohol problem. I was regularly finding multiple bottles of alcohol hidden around the house, often spirits, and he would be drinking heavily from the morning onwards. He had a very high tolerance and could appear outwardly “functional”, but there were clear signs of impairment to those who knew him well.

There were several occasions where he had driven after drinking large amounts, and I found open alcohol in his bag after he had picked the children up from nursery (I obviously stopped that continuing). I did report concerns to the police at the time but they were never able to intercept him. I also reported to the DVLA, but as far as I’m aware they relied on self-reporting and no further action was taken.

As part of ongoing family court proceedings, he has undergone multiple hair strand tests and a PEth blood test, all of which have shown chronic excessive alcohol use over a sustained period (all months significantly above chronic excess cut-offs). There has been no evidence of engagement with support, and he continues to deny having an alcohol problem.

CAFCASS are aware and made a section 16A referral due to concern about risk to our children. The local authority and health visitor are also aware of the concerns. The court is aware.

My difficulty is this: he works as a college teacher and also does private tuition (some in person). Given the level of alcohol use evidenced, I find it quite worrying that he is still working with young people unsupervised. It seems absurd to me that someone could be considered too high risk to have any direct contact with their own children yet be allowed unlimited direct contact with other people's kids. If I found out my child's teacher was known to be an alcoholic and had been removed from his home for domestic abuse I would personally be horrified.

I appreciate that agencies are (rightly) focused on our own children, but I can’t shake the concern about wider safeguarding/public safety- particularly around driving and working with children.

At the same time, I’m very conscious that:

  • I may not have the full picture of what action (if any) has been taken
  • There are limits on what I can share given court proceedings
  • Escalating further could have significant consequences (including financially for our children as if he loses his job they won't get CMS).

So AIBU to be wondering whether I should raise this further with anyone, or do I step back and accept that it’s now in the hands of the relevant agencies? WWYD?

OP posts:
HappyKatieA · 03/05/2026 16:25

DSL here.
Any / all of the professionals should have raised this, as this is a huge cause for concern - you don’t say how old the students are? If under 28 this is particularly important. Teachers have a contract to ensure that they uphold standards both in and out of work.
you can report to the LADO (Local Authority Designated Officer), who would then investigate if you think a referral has not been made.

Iristhebutterfly · 03/05/2026 16:52

HappyKatieA · 03/05/2026 16:25

DSL here.
Any / all of the professionals should have raised this, as this is a huge cause for concern - you don’t say how old the students are? If under 28 this is particularly important. Teachers have a contract to ensure that they uphold standards both in and out of work.
you can report to the LADO (Local Authority Designated Officer), who would then investigate if you think a referral has not been made.

Thanks. I looked at the LADO information locally but it said that referrals are made by the employer or an agency safeguarding lead so wasn't sure I could contact them myself. His employer know he has court orders against him but have written statements of support for him for court and not referred. He mostly works with teenagers but does private tuition for all ages including primary. Mostly this is online but sometimes face to face.

OP posts:
BrassOlive · 03/05/2026 17:09

Iristhebutterfly · 03/05/2026 16:52

Thanks. I looked at the LADO information locally but it said that referrals are made by the employer or an agency safeguarding lead so wasn't sure I could contact them myself. His employer know he has court orders against him but have written statements of support for him for court and not referred. He mostly works with teenagers but does private tuition for all ages including primary. Mostly this is online but sometimes face to face.

The LADO in my area would want to know about this and would be extremely concerned that the LA, Cafcass and his own employer failed to refer it.

L0V315 · 03/05/2026 17:16

If you did report him, would he find out that it was you? Would you be safe from retaliation by him?

Because your safety in my mind is paramount.

Iristhebutterfly · 03/05/2026 17:34

L0V315 · 03/05/2026 17:16

If you did report him, would he find out that it was you? Would you be safe from retaliation by him?

Because your safety in my mind is paramount.

I would guess that they wouldn't tell him who it was but that he would assume it was me. He has already done all sorts of things since having an NMO like make false reports to the police, social services and the RSPCA about me, and was getting men to let themselves into the house on his behalf to do jobs for him and report back to him about me and the kids (locks are now changed). So who knows what he will do or try next.

Should I also try the DVLA again? I know he is still driving. And would see him get in the car after e.g. a litre of spirits. I told them twice and told them of the existence of the court alcohol testing but they don't seem to have done anything.

OP posts:
L0V315 · 03/05/2026 17:54

A hard decision for you op, I am sorry that you have been so badly abused by him.

I would in your shoes try DVLA again, but not his place of work, due to your safety.

💐

Quitelikeit · 03/05/2026 17:58

kindly, I think you should not concern yourself with the situation any more.

if an employee is attending any job under the influence it is only a matter of time before their employer becomes aware

focus on yourself and children

Iristhebutterfly · 03/05/2026 18:28

Quitelikeit · 03/05/2026 17:58

kindly, I think you should not concern yourself with the situation any more.

if an employee is attending any job under the influence it is only a matter of time before their employer becomes aware

focus on yourself and children

Thanks for the opinion, this is why I am asking as I feel like it may be overstepping and that I should back off.

OP posts:
Buscake · 03/05/2026 18:36

LADOdo not care unless it’s children. They will not do anything.

OP is he dbs checked? You can make a referral to them directly and they will investigate.

Iristhebutterfly · 03/05/2026 18:45

Buscake · 03/05/2026 18:36

LADOdo not care unless it’s children. They will not do anything.

OP is he dbs checked? You can make a referral to them directly and they will investigate.

Yes it is mostly children he teaches.

Yes has to have enhanced DBS for his work. I alreadly dropped the police case because I didn't want him to get a criminal record and lose his job.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 03/05/2026 18:48

I don’t k is anything g about social services etc but I work in HR in a College and sometimes we have to report things to the LADO. They are usually all over wether someone has other access to children than just at the college so I’m surprised the agencies involved in this are apparently
not. I would definitely contact the LADO in your area as previous posters have suggested.

Buscake · 03/05/2026 18:50

Iristhebutterfly · 03/05/2026 18:45

Yes it is mostly children he teaches.

Yes has to have enhanced DBS for his work. I alreadly dropped the police case because I didn't want him to get a criminal record and lose his job.

Edited

Do a dbs referral. I did this to my ex who is a danger to children and vulnerable adults. I asked it to be anonymous. He knows it was me due to the details I shared as part of the referral, but he can never prove this..
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/making-barring-referrals-to-the-dbs

good luck OP, you’re doing the right thing protecting others

Making barring referrals to DBS

This page contains guidance about making referrals. Also includes information about relevant offences, and a link to start or resume your referral online.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/making-barring-referrals-to-the-dbs

New posts on this thread. Refresh page