To think that my new bf. Is playing with fire by being a shoulder to cry on?

[justaquickones]

His Explode is an alcoholic, her present partner is. My new bf and she are old friends. She has opened up about her current partner. He feels sad for her. She adores her partner but needs support and they are going for a walk and talk .I think it’s playing with fire and they are at risk of a trauma bond and emotional bond. I’ve said as much .He is open about their chat.
IS this acceptable. They are both 50.

*ex wife = explode!!

YANBU to be worried. Is it just a one off talk? Or is it going to be regular?

p.s. i like the Explode typo.

Only matters if it’s acceptable to you

how long were they together? Why did they break up?

Why do you think supporting a friend during a hard time would lead to a trauma bond? As for emotional bond, do friends not have an emotional bond anyway? That bond is what motivates friends to support each other.

A one off talk I believe . His marriage is well over but he’s lived with alcoholism for many many years. His female friend has not realised her partner is an alcoholic since she moved in with him. I don’t like it tbh but I’ve been badly
cheated on so there’s context .

As it’s a one off I would just say that you’re not comfortable with it becoming a regular occurence. I wouldn’t want my dh regularly meeting an ex.

I often wonder why involved people reach out to a specific person/ acquaintance for emotional support when there are many other means of support . For example I’m pretty sure that she has plenty of friends/ family with experience of alcoholism so why him? Why a walk and talk ? Why not a phone conversation if that’s important that it’s him she speaks to ? Her partner is male and his was female and in my experience , the behaviours and impacts of alcoholics are a world apart when it comes to men and women.

She’s not an ex . She’s an old friend/ acquaintance

I wouldn’t have a problem with my boyfriend going for a one-off talk with a friend who has found out her boyfriend is an alcoholic. It makes sense for her to choose him because his ex partner was an alcoholic and he presumably left her, this is a different situation to if another of her friends had a family member who’s an alcoholic. If I thought one conversation about a familiar situation might lead to emotional cheating then I would be having pretty strong doubts about the boyfriend. FWIW I’m pretty sure trauma bonds are between an abuser and their victim.

It's a pretty normal thing to support your friend when they're going through a hard time. She's an old friend and you're his new girlfriend - I'd try to keep your jealousy in check so it doesn't ruin your relationship.

One off talk is fine, the answer is in her hands and it involves her ending her relationship. Tbh, if he's going to start supporting her, I'd break it off, he won't have time for anything else. She'll trauma dump and find excuses, there's a level of victimhood in alcoholism. Very different if she is a CSA survivor and will go into therapy. But having had functioning alcoholic parents and trying to support friends caught up in addictions, it takes a lot and you don't have to live it. If he's a person who can put strong boundaries in place, fair enough, but most men who run to the rescue, enjoy their role and the perks that come with it.

I’m confused then, who is the ex-wife?

What makes you think that the impact of alcoholism is so different when it comes to men and women? When I went to Al-Anon the similarities seemed much more important than the differences.

I think that OP's partner's ex-wife is an alcoholic. OP's partner also has a female friend who has a male alcoholic partner.

If a man has got kids then I fully understand that kids come first, goes without saying.

However - I come next. Not the ex-wife, the golf, football, the pub, the friends, the parents, the job, the extended family. ME.

Where would you say you come in his priority order? Are you after his ex wife?

Yes. This, Sorry for confusion.

I can't stand this hierarchical way of looking at relationships.

Sure, if DP is going through a hard time and I can specifically help him by staying at home, then I will prioritise him over someone else who wants me to go out.

But in life, it's rare that you're pulled in two different directions simultaneously. If a friend needs my support, it's likely that DP will be at worst mildly inconvenienced if I rush off to give him/her support, so I will prioritise my friend. I wouldn't take kindly to DP stamping his foot and saying I COME NEXT if my friend needed support dealing with their alcoholic spouse.

You prioritise the people in your life who actually need support at any given time, is what I'm saying. If your partner isn't going through anything then you can happily deprioritise them.

The only reason this is an issue is because the friend in this case is a woman. If OP's boyfriend was going for a walk and a talk with a male friend whose wife was alcoholic, she'd be seen as utterly controlling if she wanted to prevent him. So this comes down to that tedious belief that men and women can't be friends and/or she doesn't trust him.

I’ve reflected and listened back to an old message of his where he explicitly states that she is a very old friend of both him and his ex wife and he is genuinely sad for her so I need to accept this I guess

I think the vote is probably skewed because people are reading this as your partner going to meet his ex wife who is an alcoholic, rather than a friend who is not an alcoholic but has found out her partner is.

But the OP says he’s her ‘new’ boyfriend, and that he and the woman in question have been friends for years — obviously he’d value an old friendship over a brand new relationship that might end tomorrow.