To NOT take my autistic daughter to Butlins?

[bettydavieseyes]

I booked and paid for back in December a butlins break in June for me, my wife and 2 girls age 11 and 9. My 11yo DD is profoundly autistic with LD. She needs a large special needs buggy everywhere outside the house and is full time care and pre-verbal. I booked a 3 bed apartment because they cant room share. As its got closer, I realised that this is probably not a good idea for us anymore. We last went to Butlins together 2 years ago and it was ok but DD was in a smaller (and easier to push) SEN buggy then and a bit younger (less hormones). But even then we couldnt access everything and spent a lot of time in the apartment. Over the past 2 years we have been going out less to do typical activities as a family and having 'one child each' on seperate days out etc. I think I just had it in my mind this suits us because we have been going to Butlins every year since they were toddlers and my ASD DD has always loved it. My wife said she should stay at home with her and she says i should just take DD 9. Theres a big part of me which is so excited at the idea of a 'normal' holiday and one to one time with DD 9. We could eat in resturants and go to evening shows (cant do with DD 11) but I have the most crippling guilt! The idea is that later in the summer we would leave DD 9 with her Grandad and big sister (she is 22) for 2 nights while we take DD 11 to a short, calm and possibly more suitable seaside break on her own. I know DD 9 wont mind this (because she went to Butlins and also has a school residential this year) and I know DD 11 wont know we have gone to butlins or understand and can cope without me and DD 9 for the days we would be away. Its the guilt. I just feel awful about it. She hasn't been on holiday for 2 years or seen the sea. I dont even have the alternative break planned yet and when ive looked it all seems so expensive in summer so im not even sure if the 2nd part of the plan is feasable. Wwyd?

I understand the guilt however you and your family need a break too- please take your DD9 I’m sure she will love the time and break

Could your eldest do half the holiday?

If you wife is genuinely happy with this then it seems the perfect arrangement.
Regarding the summer holiday with DD 11 it may be busy would October half term be a better bet when it’s quieter?

You’d save money on the Butlins trip, so could you put that towards the second trip?

I personally think you should go ahead and try not to feel guilty about it, however that's only as long as your wife is definitely ok with it. I also think she should get the opportunity to take your 9 year old away too alone, and made those memories with her as well.

I have 3 kids and take them away individually for the weekend, getting one to one time with them is really special when they are used to compromising as part of a family. As long as you keep it fair did everyone I think it's a great idea.

Just leave one adult with dd11 at night and for activities she can't do, doesn't stop you all going together on a Bulins family holiday.

I would go without DD11, I understand the guilt but DD9 also deserves a break and some normality. I know it feels cruel but even if both were completely neurotypical with no additional needs they’d need and like different things and you’d likely to do things with them 1:1. I do think it’s important DD9 has times where she is the priority and doesn’t have to consider or adjust to her older sibling, it’s hard for her too and I’m sure (without meaning to) a lot is asked of her to understand and accept. Go, enjoy the time. Do something DD11 would enjoy another time, it doesn’t have to be the summer. The beach is there all year round!

Could you plan a few day trips for your elder daughter, she still gets her time and you will have the benefit of returning home in the evening so not to upset her bedtime routine, plus you will not have to worry about taking absolutely everything with you.

I understand these decisions. You are trying to do right by both your children and it's so hard because their needs are so different. Myself and dh end up splitting activities a lot just so both girls are happy. I think you should do what your wife is saying. Your 9 yo already has a lot more on her plate than most children and some time one on one with her parent would be so beneficial for her and time she would treasure.

If you feel that you'll disadvantage your other daughter if you're there as a family then don't go.
If the venue isn't fully accessible it'll be stressful for everyone. Your expectation seems to be that it will be. Is DD11 happy to go with her mum only?

Alternatively, if you can get your money back see if you can get a booking for a fully accessible site (there are some good Facebook pages eg Accessible Travel, I think it's called) and makes your own plans for things to do.

It s fine to split.
Look at hartlands centre isle of wight or thomas centre north east for asd friendly breaks
Get onto ss children with disabilitues for one off holiday grants and payments for a carer on holiday or save direct payments short breaks
The Thomas Centre – A Special Place for Special People https://share.google/meFMA3tQPMhJaNyEH

Autism Friendly Holiday https://share.google/dCuEcee746VhyXOQX

I have an autistic daughter and it affects a lot of family decisions but for different reasons - DD is quite rigid and does not enjoy a lot of stuff.

But your DD would, is that right? It’s just that a lot of Butlins is inaccessible to her?

I understand where your wife is coming from. Often I say to DH “you take DD2, I’ll stay home with DD1”. It makes logical sense but I’m sad about it and I do know deep down I’m being a bit of a martyr. But also not. Complicated.

If your DD1 will actually enjoy parts of Butlins, and the problem is that all four of you were confined to base, surely the answer is you and your wife have a rota? Monday you’re out and about with DD2, while your wife is in the apartment with DD1 or doing what suits her, Tuesday she’s out with DD2 etc?

To put it a different way wouldn't you feel guilty if you all went and DD9 had a rubbish time because things have to be tailored to her sister? I think she'd love some 1:1 time and not having to share time with you.
It really depends on your wife. Talk to her again and make sure she is 100% happy with the agreement (I'm not sure I would be). If she is then you should go ahead but do book a second break, even if it's in half term so your eldest can have a holiday.
If you do the holiday with your youngest be aware that your wife will need a break if she's been caring 24/7 so make sure she gets it.

I see it from your 9 year olds perspective. Perhaps she might really benefit from a few days away with just one parent and all the focus on her and limitless options. I don’t say this to be unkind but I’d imagine she often has to take a backseat or be a secondary thought due to her sisters needs. This would be a lovely treat which she would probably remember forever.

Would it be feasible to all go to butlins, but you and your wife take one child each day (possibly alternating) and do the activities that will work for that child. That way your 9yo still gets to do the more exciting things and the evening entertainment, and your 11yo can have a calmer holiday, at a time of year when everything won't be as busy and without the cost of a second trip in the summer.

Many families in this kind of situation do seperate breaks. If both children plus parents get something from it, i think it’s a good idea. Do what works not what’s expected.

In your circumstances, I think it’s fair for the girls to holiday separately as you describe. But when does your wife get a break from caring for your disabled daughter? In the plan you outline, you get a break whilst having fun with the youngest in Butlins, whilst your wife cares for your disabled child alone. Then later in the year, your wife also comes on the seaside holiday, presumably to share care of your disabled child during that time. So, in this scenario, your wife and youngest girl don’t get any relaxed one to one time together, which seems a shame.

Thanks for replies. If we take both girls we would be seperate a lot, taking it in turns with both (we did this last time) but it didnt actually suit DD 11 because she is disturbed by changes (eg swapping between me amd my wife) and upset by DD 9 going out with one of us, she doesnt say so (she cant) but her behaviour would fall apart while we were out at a show for example and she wouldnt settle. Its almost too complicated to explain it all!
My wife isnt u happy about staying at home with DD 11 (apart from missing us) because she doesnt actually want to go. She is anxious about the whole thing and would be glad to not do it. She keeps encouraging me to go with DD 9 on her own. I have never taken DD 9 away for a night on her own yet and would absolutely love to do this, normally they have similar routines which dont suit DD 9 eg. Going to bed at 8pm. I would love to keep her up with me. I would also love to do resturants and shops with her and actually go on the beach. With DD 11, one of us is waiting on the path because her buggy wont go on the stones and DD 9 gets short moments on the beach. On our own we could have a picnic and paddle. It would be so different. However, I do feel guilty and would miss DD 11 of course. An alternative would definitely happen but it would take some planning.
Yes, I would save money taking one child but not a massive amount as we never paid to do stuff anyway and couldnt do resturants with them both.
I cant cancel the holiday as I didnt pay for cancellation and although im happy to lose the money spent, it seems a waste! Cancelling for both girls was my first thought but my wife said why not go with DD 9.

*my wife IS happy staying at home

This is absolutely true. I have just filled out some forms for the young carers program as school have referred her for it. She is very patient and understanding and absolutely deserves time away.

Absolutely go with your DD. It's tough having a disabled sibling and it can mean they miss out. We should be doing everything as parents to get the balance right. My youngest GC is disabled. My DD will go on a city break with her eldest while we do things the youngest enjoys, but the eldest is too old for. I think siblings should be split occasionally or one misses out.

This is so true! We are going away as a couple for our anniversary soon for 2 nights and the girls will be with my 22 year old DD and my dad. My wife wont do holidays by herself because she doesnt have fluent English (she is Polish) and prefers to be with me so I can manage things. I would absolutely agree to it if I could persuade her to go!

Thank you for these links!

Oh gosh, do it, OP. Your elder DD won’t miss out, and you’ll all benefit so much.

For future holidays, have a look at the Thomas Centre in Lincolnshire. It’s the only place we ever go these days (sigh) but disabled DD (only child) loves it, and I see lots of non-disabled siblings there having a blast, too.

I have a profoundly autistic child, our lives completely revolve around their needs. Every outing, holiday and decision is made with their safety and comfort in mind. It’s the reality of having a disabled child. Your feeling guilty as the parent but your younger child needs respite, focus on this instead if you can and go to butlins.