AIBU to worry I have not validated my teen's feelings?

[Greenleavestree]

DC 15 has had some mental health struggles lately. Seeing a therapist. I realised that instead of me validating her feelings and feeling with her I have been trying to run away from it, fix her. I also read this book which explains about feelings, emotions and how our past shape our behaviour.

My feelings were never acknowledged, I cried myself to sleep many times; my father left when I was her age.

I am worried about not acknowledged DD feelings and the impact it had on her mental health; but it also seems like I am realising suppressed emotions as I have been waking up with this weight on my chest and have been crying.

How do I heal ?

Get your own therapy . Sounds like you’re mixing up your own childhood issues with your daughters .
maybe been reading too many self help type books ?

I’d agree with this. You need to step back from your DDs feelings and make sure you’re feeling emotionally strong. You sound quite fragile and this will be having a detrimental effect on her.

Thank you; yes. I am a bit fragile at the moment but it comes and go; mainly at night time. The book has helped actually and also crying.

I am strong for my daughter and not manifesting these feelings to her; only acknowledging her feelings and supporting her. I also said sorry I didn’t truly listen to her before

We had a nice outing yesterday.

I agree that you need to seek your own therapy. You also need to get some help with how you support your daughter. She needs you to hear her and try to understand.

Having your own therapy might be helpful. It might enable you stop making your past your excuse and help you look forward to your future. Your past effects you yea but your future doesn't need to depend on your past. I hope that makes sense. It's all a choice but you have to work on the conscious mindset. Look up Peter Crone on SM.

Best of luck

My dd is 14. It is important that you let them feel without trying to fix anything. You can't protect them from their emotions but you can help them process them. I have a simple script - do you want a hug? Respect the answer then something like - feeling this way in reaction to that situation is normal. It sounds like (insert emotion) does that feel about right? Oh yes, that feeling is rubbish, but it will pass I promise. Give it time and gradually you will feel better.

Create a template that works for you, acknowledge that your approach may not have worked in the past and you'll try something different and repair and you're done. Don't over apologise or make it a big thing. You're doing your best and demonstrating that you can reflect and change is actually really powerful for children to see.

The thing that struck me in Phillipa Perry's The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read [and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did] was it talking about it's never too late to repair.
That's a self help book I felt didn't make me feel like I'm doing it all wrong, and helped me feel optimistic and positive.

Agree with pp, if you can afford the time and money, therapy would be really good for you. Might even give you another way to connect with your DD.

It's not too late to listen to her now and you've already acknowledged your previous behaviour to her, and apologised for it, which is a massive step in the right direction.
Keep the communication channels open but, importantly, also respect her right to boundaries with the therapist. She does know you've got her back because you're supporting the therapy route and you do talk to her so don't be too hard on yourself. But as PP have said, it's probably also time for you to get some outside therapy too.

This is the book I am reading. I will look into therapy for me as well.

Yes, the therapy is long due as I experience anxiety often.

When one of my dds was around that age, she had quite significant mental health issues and would react badly to a lot of things I said. She also had issues with self harm that resulted in some emergency appointments and one of the most useful pieces of advice I received from a health professional (when I explained my situation to them) was to simply say 'Is there anything I can do to help?'. It was amazingly helpful and our relationship improved significantly over time after that. I'd been saying a lot of unhelpful things out of my own despair and helplessness.

And keep that focus that one one gets it all right but it’s never too late to improve. Keep listening and talking. You are already ahead with your reflection.

Completely agree with this - just asking what they need from you is incredibly powerful. Then you just follow what they tell you!