To think some men are uneasy around confident male company?

[KhakiLurker]

This is a general observation rather than a hard rule.

I’ve noticed that in some social or work situations, certain men seem uncomfortable when there’s strong male company around - particularly confident, competent or assertive men, and it can come out as withdrawal, competitiveness or subtle hostility. I’m not suggesting this applies to all men (or only men) but I wondered whether others have noticed this dynamic too, or whether I’m over-interpreting normal social behaviour.

AIBU to think this is a thing?

Dunno. I'm not a man so have no idea.

I don't think it's uneasyness, more dislike.

The only men I know of in social settings that are 'particularly confident, competent or assertive' tend to be the sort to put down other people, have little of value to add into conversations and are avoided by most of the room.

DH and (historically) I have had to do a lot of networking for our jobs. Lots of evening do's, lunches and social situations. The sort of men you've described are the sort that about 99% of the room would avoid - not because they're confident' and it makes us 'uneasy' but because they're usually massive bellends who think their voice is the most important voice in the room.

I wouldn't describe my male colleagues, DH or my reaction to these men as 'withdrawal, competitiveness or subtle hostility' more...dislike and thus avoidance.

The most interesting people in a room are usually the ones with nothing to prove and thus not outwardly 'confident, competent and assertive' (and usually 'assertive' is just a polite way of saying 'bolshy bellend who won't let others get a word in').

You’re misreading it. It’s not that they’re confident or assertive, and certainly not that they’re competent. Some men treat every conversation like a competition, and that’s impossible to really relax around.

Yeah. Weird question to ask on mumsnet tbh.

I would say most humans find overbearing cocky people annoying. Hope that helps?

Try them around confident, capable, intelligent women, that’s a whole other ball game. I know, I know, not all men…

It’s usually when they really fancy the other men

It’s true, but I see this much more with women than with men.

Why are people saying confident assertive and competent men are ‘cocky’ ‘bolshy bellend’ or treat conversations like a ‘competition’? Haven’t you ever met one who is confident and is also a lovely generous intelligent person? My DH was. One of his gifts was also being a brilliant motivator - he wanted people to achieve their best. He was also kind. My father was like this too and also had no ego (I have to admit my DH did have an ego, but also had imposter syndrome). Both achieved great things. Both made lots of sacrifices to do this. They both tried to give their best and get the best from people they knew and worked with.

He sounds lovely!

But the OH post was not about lovely impressive men - it was about men who make other act "uncomfortable" or who cause people's actions to "come out as withdrawal, competitiveness or subtle hostility". This - to me - seems more likely to be a reaction to someone overbearing and cocky.

Did you notice men being withdrawn, uncomfortable, competitive or hostile to your DH (or his DF)? Presumably not, cos he sounds like a good man.

I think the 'monstrous alpha', in whose company others feel ill at ease, applies across the board - for a comedy female version, see Amanda in Motherland/Amadaland 👍

When dh has to speak to a trade or professional regarding something we need fixing building etc he does a much deeper voice and kind of pushes his shoulders back. I don’t think he’s aware he does by it.

@mondaytosunday I'm lucky enough to have a number of friends and relations, like your DH and DF, who are confident and competent without being cocky etc and they're a delight.

But I've also come across a lot of men who mistake confidence for arrogance, competence with competitiveness and assertiveness with being an overbearing prick. They're best avoided.

It's a subtle kind of code switching. I like to think that I'm usually reasonably well spoken but put me in a car workshop and I sound like a background character in EastEnders. I never noticed I did it until someone pointed it out.

No idea people cant go my expression on my face or the way I act if I am uncomfortable or not so I would say the same for men unless they tell me how would I know?

But like anything not all men or women are the same

Isn’t this the case with all people?