Is this it - should I leave? (I’ve used AI to pull my thoughts together).

[aurpod1980]

Married, kids (one with additional needs), and I’m feeling really stuck in my relationship.

I think the core issue is that we’ve completely lost any physical relationship. We haven’t had sex since last August. I’ve tried to talk to him about it quite openly – I’ve said I don’t want to always be the one leading or chasing, that I want to feel wanted and cared for too. But he tends to avoid the conversation or just says he’s “happy” and doesn’t understand why I’m not.

I think part of the issue is actually the dynamic we’ve always had. Because of my background (alcoholic parent etc), I’ve always been someone who over-functions and takes the lead – including in the bedroom. He’s quite passive and I think probably prefers that, but I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to be the one initiating or “in charge” all the time – I want to feel desired and pursued, and I don’t think he really meets me there.

From his perspective, I think everything feels fine because life is stable – we’re managing work, the kids, etc. But for me, the lack of intimacy and emotional connection is really getting to me. I don’t feel desired at all, and I don’t feel like I’ve got someone “looking after me” emotionally, if that makes sense.

We are under a lot of pressure with our younger child, so I do understand that plays a part. But at the same time, I keep thinking surely that’s when you should try to stay connected, not drift this far apart. He’ll say things like “it’s fine when we go away”, but obviously that’s not real life.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I feel like I’ve changed – I’m more open and I don’t want to be the one controlling everything anymore. But he hasn’t really shifted, and I don’t know if he can.

I suppose my question is – is this just a phase that people go through with stress/young kids, or is this more of a fundamental incompatibility? And if your partner just avoids the issue, what are you actually meant to do?

Would really appreciate honest perspectives.

You've changed but he hasn't - if it's always been you calling the shots and he was comfortable in that dynamic, he probably finds that difficult. Not saying you're in the wrong, just that you've moved the goalposts in the relationship. You could try couples counselling to address the issues and help him to communicate better and understand how he is contributing to a situation that is untenable for you. If you've got young children, I think it's better to try and work at a marriage before you throw in the towel. It may not work but at least you'll know you've tried everything.

I wouldn’t just leave. I would speak to your husband and go to couples counselling to help ? May help to get things back on track? Of course many couples go through tough times with stress and young children. You are absolutely correct here, it doesn’t mean it’s over, could just be a season of life.

Don’t just throw it all away, go to marriage counselling maybe ? We go through these ups and downs, it wouldn’t be normal if we didn’t, but we get through them together (hopefully)

Thanks @Endofyearthe work I’ve done is better for me as in I’ve worked with a Psycologist for 3.5 years. Our dynamic (DH and I) was unhealthy although I was leading it was almost I was a victim of my trauma, I’ve given into his kinks etc because I felt I should.

I don’t know if he would know how to make love to me.

I’ve no healthy relationship to compare him to, we met when we were 22. Kids are 11 and 14 and the 11 year old is AuDHD and has PDA too, we are really in the thick of it. But I feel alone. My therapist said we often circle back to this place and we do.

Yes I guess marriage counselling (if he can find time for it in his busy diary) is the way forward. He will struggle to open up. He generally ignores me, avoidant.

It sounds like for 3.5 years you and your psychologist have been articulating what your marriage should be like.

It also sounds like you've not taken your DH on any part of that journey except, from your posting, telling him you want him to be looking after you more emotionally.

You articulate what you think he thinks about your marriage but you don't mention what he actually thinks - have you had the discussion about what each of you want? I say this because you mention previously giving in to his kinks (presumably no more) and now the lack of sexual intimacy.

If you now want different things (him kink, you vanilla) then it seems you both are missing that intimacy you had.

I think a conversation would be in order about what he wants, alongside what you want.

If you've changed (worked on yourself) and now the relationship has changed, then there seem to be an obvious cause here. The question becomes whether both of you, as you are now, would choose to be together if you weren't already.

@CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGonei guess ive talked through a lot - a lot of shadow work.. a lot around my childhood, having an alcoholic parent. .. we’ve talked about my marriage but not a lot about the sex mainly it’s been around how I want more intimacy and closeness and I’m kind of the person who takes the mental load (from bills to building work) so I’m working on my feminine energy, DH comes from a very matriarchal family. You can’t ask his dad about anybing you have to go via his mum. She answers for him if you ask him anything. So DH has grown up with that. Cliched as it is I fulfilled his kinks of needed me in control. In the early days I went along with it (some stuff I didn’t want to do so stopped after a period of time like sex toys and using them on him). But all the sex has been about his gratification so he knows no different.

I will take on board what you’re saying. Like I said he said he’s happy but I think maybe cos he is? I don’t know.

No I have messaged him via text about how I feel etc and he talked about going for therapy but then said it would destroy our marriage if he went for therapy.

Your situation reminds me of the Anais Nin quote I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader.... which goes on to darker things.

And I do sympathise with you. Having been "in control" for so long, it's just tiring. It's not wrong to want someone else to take over occasionally and allow you the freedom to just relax, let go, and experience something without having to organise and control it.

From what you say though it sounds deeply ingrained in his psyche and change would be fundamental.

Is it a change in behaviour you now need constantly or just periodically as respite?
In the bedroom or throughout the entire relationship?
And do you need that from him, or just someone that you can be close to in that way?

I wouldn't normally suggest it but, if you're heavily invested in your relationship/family and unfulfilled in just one area, is there a way you can fulfil that need outside the family, with his understanding/acceptance?

@CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGonei googled the quote. I see what you mean… it is imbedded in his psyche I can’t bend him to my will. Seeking it outside, I’m not certain. I have some good female friends, we share coffees and walks and talks - I go to the gym.

I guess the complicated side of it is I’ve clearly gone along with this sort of sex for two decades with DH. Then I’ve stopped. His job has got much more senior and stressful in that time and our younger daughter’s difficulties she’s ND have really come to a head. It’s been an unreal time of stress tbh. Plus parental illness, even our older child has had a health diagnosis that has involved lots of interventions and support needed. We’ve been in and out of meetings and hospitals with both children.

In a sense - I’m taking the load again on all this. The reports the letters the research etc so I think I’ve got nothing left to take the lead with him and just need to be held. I’ve paused my psychologist for a period of time - we’ve not talked about the marriage in a long time.

@CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGoneI kind of don’t want to be with anyone else. I want to be with him.

Has your sex life diminished because you’ve stopped engaging in his kinks?
When you say there’s no intimacy, do you mean just no sex or also , no cuddles, hand holding, kisses, jokes, laughing together etc.?

Why not initiate? If that has always been the way it works in your relationship, by now he probably thinks you're not interested if you don't initiate. In many relationships it's pretty much the reverse. You have tried to change the dynamic but he is happy to just let you decide and take the lead, if you want a physical relationship go back to how it was. If you just want to be hugged you can initiate that, he may need a good hug too.

I’m no psychoanalyst but I remember reading some self help book when I was struggling with my relationship and there was something about passive men choosing strong women but not really liking or appreciating them.
Mine let me do and lead everything and was happy with that.
I probably chose him because he was weak. I’m also a high functioning daughter of an alcoholic mother and distant father.
If his kinks are around you being in control and him being ‘done to’ that would make sense.
Advice? Only to decide if being together in a sexless marriage is better than (probably) raising your family alone.
Anyway, mine tried to exert his masculinity by chasing other women. He went for very weak women with poor mental health. Didn’t want to lose me but felt no obligation to support or care for me as the dynamic was set.
We are both on our own now. I am happy and he is not.

To be honest, much as you have your problems, that statement cheers me and gives me hope for both of you.

I hope he realises how lucky he is and has been.

@EwwPeopleits hard to explain as it’s an ingrained part of our sex life - I initiate (same foreplay etc) I domt want to be crude but it’ll be something along the lines of me telling him what to do to me. Then it’ll be like me saying things to him like creating a fantasy for him, eg describing a cuckolding fantasy sorry it’s hard for me to go into detail but I hope yoh get the gist. I had very little self esteem and self worth growing up, DH came along and on paper although we were students we were well matched. In the early days the kinks were more extreme (sissification, him being a pet etc etc) I don’t know how it happended it just did. I clearly went along with it all and I’m not sure I took pleasure in it but it wasn’t unpleasant either. However over time, I believe my self worth, sense of self, femininity, has grown, my confidence in myself, in my power … I realise I’m pretty amazing (sorry I know sounds odd) but also I still have areas where I’m so down. And now where I am is I don’t have that chanxe to be vunlerbale.

im always having to step in - he takes charge on more things now than before - he stands up for himself in life more.

im too tired to look elsewhere . That’s not to say I wont look at other men and wonder what it might be like or look at other men who clearly desire their partner. I look at these women and think what are you doing right or how did you make that decision. Then I also know I could not be with a controlling man I’m not seeking that I’m seeking a happy medium of sorts - a partnership - a balanced partnership but where I can lean into my femininity

I don’t know if he does. He gets angry with me if I reach out sometimes or of course if I snap. I’m just tired of trying. On the very odd occasion I get dresssd up and go out - I do it for mysled he does sometimes comment on my clothes or my perfume and then I have hope but then it falls away as nothing more will come from it.

He Is one amazing father utterly devoted to our kids, he’s an amazing amazing dad. He’s just focusssd I would say on work and the kids. And I’m just no where in the pecking order. I do believe he loves me - he can put on an act too in front of his family like putting his arm
riund me holding my hand and it’s very confusing for me. But I suspect neuro divergence too and his family is a big ‘masking’ ground j actually think he only truly unmask in front of me so I get the brunt of it.

So the majority of people think I’m being unreasonable… I guess I need to talk to him we need to get some support from a therapist