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Original poster

DS found my Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex Book (his Dad)

9 replies

SlinkyMalinkyy · 01/05/2026 08:07

Help! Yesterday DS found my co-parenting with a toxic ex book-what to do when your ex tries to turn the kids against you (relating to his Dad)

The book in question was in my bedroom on the other side of the room on the floor. Bedroom door was bolted from above so he must have gone in the bedroom, he never goes in there, or so I thought!

DS’s dad picked him up and I had no idea he had seen this until ex text me 🙈

DS lives with his Dad and worships him, DS also reports back to his Dad about certain things in my home such as flies in the living room (I keep my patio door open and they flew in) the carpets smelling(his sibling had an accident and I was trying to get the smell out) and many other things. I try really hard when I do see him, I make him nice food (he told his Dad he found a hair in it!) I made up a treat bag, gave him pocket money, watched a show with him and attempted to talk to him about his life and interests. If I set a foot wrong everything gets reported back to his Dad and Grandmother and ex then texts to berate me.

It looks like DS may have been snooping for stuff to report back to his Dad! I envy my ex as he only has to exist and my son thinks the sun shines out of his… you get the idea. Feel so guilty and sad for DS in this dysfunctional dynamic. So guilty he found that book too and especially guilty as he deserved two parents who stayed together and not a broken family.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 01/05/2026 08:09

The only thing you can do here is nothing rise above and in 20 years hope your DS in adult form wonders for himself why you have it

PollyBell · 01/05/2026 08:09

Maybe you both should discuss therapy for him none of this sounds healthy

DierdreDaphne · 01/05/2026 10:36

You don't say how old your son is but this sounds like a very unhealthy situation for your son and you. It sounds like you are finding yourself pandering to him because your husband is using him as a tool to bully you from a distance. You are basically playing pick me as a result. Unsuccessfuly. Spoiling your son and giving him an unrealistic sense of his own power. And unhealthy relationships with both his parents, likely feeling the need to bring back a juicy morsel of "failure" on your part to earn his father's approval.

Clearly this is because your ex is indeed toxic, but I would definitely seek some professional advice as it is probably something that professionals will have seen before.

AggroPotato · 01/05/2026 10:41

This is beyond fucked up. Previous poster is correct that he is finding faults to report and earn favour, and you're playing pick me.

You need to draw a line. Don't react to your ex at all - get one of those communication apps that's court approved. And cut all other forms of contact. Never respond to any of his critiques. Ever.

And use this moment to teach your son how utterly toxic this shit is.

Original poster
SlinkyMalinkyy · 01/05/2026 10:44

AggroPotato · 01/05/2026 10:41

This is beyond fucked up. Previous poster is correct that he is finding faults to report and earn favour, and you're playing pick me.

You need to draw a line. Don't react to your ex at all - get one of those communication apps that's court approved. And cut all other forms of contact. Never respond to any of his critiques. Ever.

And use this moment to teach your son how utterly toxic this shit is.

What do you mean by playing pick me?

OP posts:
Original poster
SlinkyMalinkyy · 01/05/2026 10:53

AggroPotato · 01/05/2026 10:41

This is beyond fucked up. Previous poster is correct that he is finding faults to report and earn favour, and you're playing pick me.

You need to draw a line. Don't react to your ex at all - get one of those communication apps that's court approved. And cut all other forms of contact. Never respond to any of his critiques. Ever.

And use this moment to teach your son how utterly toxic this shit is.

I agree, it’s a fucked up situation. I feel so awful that my son is now in this horrible position of having to report back to his Dad to the point of going through my private things. I feel so guilty for leaving my ex and putting him in this position. I really feel like I have fucked him up for life. I know I left for good reasons-my previous thread I wrote about ex deliberately running over frogs with the lawnmower in front of the kids among many hundreds of other messed up things he would say and do.

I feel so terrible that this is my son’s life now.

OP posts:
Keroppi · 01/05/2026 10:53

How old is he and what did your ex text to say? And did DS say anything once hr found it?

You need to speak face to face to DS and tell him it's not respecting your privacy to unlock your bedroom door and snoop in your stuff and report back to his dad about it. How would he feel if you did that? Etc. Invasion of privacy and deceptive. And speak to him surrounding the separation eg it's normal to feel torn in two sides, our relationship as partners is different to his rship with mum and dad as separate people and would he like to speak about it to a neutral third party eg family therapy. Be open and honest that you didn't want him to have a separated family unit but that's how it is right now and you're trying to educate yourself and make your coparenting relationship the healthiest/best it can be, hence books.. there's really no need to feel guilt over this or come across as guilty to DS. He will smell weakness !

Don't fanny around him and pander to him - you are helping to create a monster who doesn't respect women's autonomy and is colluding in putting his mother down via lies and exaggerations eg the food and flies.. some kids will try and point score and exaggerate but you need to let them know it's wrong every time. Don't be afraid to parent because of your ex

Block ex number or give him a new number on a new sim on a cheap spare phone that can just be for his texts and calls re DS.

pikkumyy77 · 01/05/2026 11:06

Get therapy for yourself. Your ex is a MONSTER, given the frog story, and the only right thing was to leave and try to save the children.

Original poster
SlinkyMalinkyy · Yesterday 12:08

Keroppi · 01/05/2026 10:53

How old is he and what did your ex text to say? And did DS say anything once hr found it?

You need to speak face to face to DS and tell him it's not respecting your privacy to unlock your bedroom door and snoop in your stuff and report back to his dad about it. How would he feel if you did that? Etc. Invasion of privacy and deceptive. And speak to him surrounding the separation eg it's normal to feel torn in two sides, our relationship as partners is different to his rship with mum and dad as separate people and would he like to speak about it to a neutral third party eg family therapy. Be open and honest that you didn't want him to have a separated family unit but that's how it is right now and you're trying to educate yourself and make your coparenting relationship the healthiest/best it can be, hence books.. there's really no need to feel guilt over this or come across as guilty to DS. He will smell weakness !

Don't fanny around him and pander to him - you are helping to create a monster who doesn't respect women's autonomy and is colluding in putting his mother down via lies and exaggerations eg the food and flies.. some kids will try and point score and exaggerate but you need to let them know it's wrong every time. Don't be afraid to parent because of your ex

Block ex number or give him a new number on a new sim on a cheap spare phone that can just be for his texts and calls re DS.

Thank you. That’s really good advice.

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