Not depressed

[missedtherainbow]

I suppose I’m asking if I’m unreasonable to believe I’m not depressed but instead just accepting that I’m done?
I wouldn’t step in front of a speeding car but I wouldn’t jump out of the way if one was coming towards me. If I was told I needed life saving treatment I’d refuse it.
I look forward to going to bed each day and am disappointed when I wake up.
Im not suicidal, I’m not sad or miserable and I still laugh and smile. I just want to get through each day and for it to be done.
its been like that for the last 5 years. Something happened that changed me inside and ruined how I felt about everything. I’ve just felt that I will never be really happy again.
Nobody seems to have noticed and no one has ever mentioned anything so I don’t feel like it’s a big problem. Does anyone else feel like this?

I had a period of time recently where I’d walk by a lake and think I’ll just slip, fortunately now stopped. (Started to see work problems in a different light)

For quite a long time after emergency surgery this time last year I said I’d get more answers if I’d set out to slash my wrists which medics didn’t like hearing but I maintain some truth in it.

I don’t feel the same about the car thing but yes, I have many days where I look forward to going to bed and ending the day because I want it to be done. And I also often wonder if I will be truly happy ever again. I do think my issues are hormonal to an extent; I think peri is heading my way.

What do you think is making you feel the way you do?

Is it ok to ask what happened to make you feel like this, five years ago? Have you had any therapy?

Sounds tough, I’m sorry.

I found out my father had done something truly awful, the shame of that even though he has since died just tainted everything and made everything feel dirty. I don’t see that I will ever feel any different.

Have you tried therapy? It sounds like maybe it would help you to process what happened

You have no reason to feel ashamed over something that was done by someone else.

Plenty of people feel numb when depressed. Depression is not always about feeling sad. However, anhedonia can also be a sign of many other psychological conditions including trauma. I'd consider therapy.

Please investigate EMDR therapy.

What would bring joy or contentment to your life OP? Even something simple?

That is no way to live and i speak as someone who is severely depressed, so hear you completely.

Sending love.

You need to get some help. It may not technically be depression that you are suffering with, but you are under a mental cloud and need support to get it lifted.
Sending love. 🩵

The fact that you're writing about this means there is a part of you that knows it's not right and is looking for help. People probably have noticed a change in you but don't know how to approach you. Feeling flat and apathetic is a classic sign of depression, in fact, I read recently it's a huge red flag for suicide risk. Feeling sad or down is sharper and connects you more to the world - feeling indifferent makes it easier to contemplate leaving everything.

It sounds like the situation with your father was so traumatic that you shut off your feelings. That's a sensible thing for your body to do - it protected you and allowed you to keep going at the time. But now it's killing you and your body is trying to tell you that.

It is totally possible for you to feel happy again, but depression will not allow you to believe that. You have two choices in front of you - continue as you are or take a chance that something might pull you out of this. They are equally difficult, so I'd say it's worth taking the choice that has hope within it.