Hello Mumsnetters, I’m looking for a wee bit of advice.
My partner, Buck, and I have been together for almost 15 years now. On the surface, everything looks great, but things are not so great anymore. I met Buck through work, and after a few months of dating, we decided to move in together. Not long after, I officially met his son, Max, who was at college at the time.
Needless to say, my relationship with Max wasn't the greatest at first. Even though Buck and his ex split up when Max was only three, Max never liked any of the partners his parents had. He was never shy about showing his feelings toward me, either. Buck and his ex weren't the best at disciplining Max, so his behavior toward them wasn’t the greatest either—he had frequent anger outbursts, was dismissive, and quite selfish.
Time passed and Buck and I decided to buy a house, something we could turn into a home. Our year-and-a-half search resulted in the purchase of a medium-sized, early 20th-century country-style house. It required a fair bit of work to make it ours, but the price was a bargain hard to miss.
Buck is a great guy; he likes to travel, go on city breaks, meet new people, and learn new skills. People seem to love spending time with him—he is always on the go. However, he is not a "finisher." He loves to start new projects, but halfway through, he gets bored and moves on to the next thing. It drives me crazy, as we have a lot of his unfinished projects lying around the house.
Then there is his inability to make decisions, especially regarding jobs and projects related to the house. He is like an ostrich; he likes to bury his head in the sand to avoid problems rather than face them. He wants to be involved in the decision-making but struggles to find the time or commitment to actually do it. When I ask him to help, weeks or months can pass without a result—even for something as simple as working from home to meet a roofer or an HVAC technician.
He cannot prioritize home needs over his other commitments like fantasy football, volunteering at the local town hall, or his recent involvement with the Guardian Angels, which consumes a lot of his time. Even when I organize everything and try to get him to commit to a specific date to meet a contractor, it is like pulling teeth. He’ll say one date is no good because he needs to be in the office (even though he can work from home four days a week, he chooses to go in), or an evening is busy because of the town hall or the Angels.
This is costing us money. Delays mean quotes expire and need to be reappraised, and with the current economy, everything costs more every time we wait. When I try to remind him, he gets really upset and says he will do it "eventually," but how long can one wait?
The worst part is that if Max asks him to do something, he does it almost immediately, even if it means our plans have to change. I always knew he was a workaholic, but who cuts family holidays short to attend a meeting they aren't required at, or postpones them for a conference they’ve already attended several times? It feels like everything is allowed when it relates to his interests, but if I want to work overtime or meet friends on his day off, he gets upset and gives me a hard time.
I still love him dearly, but this is affecting me more and more. What should I do? We have had chats about it and he always promises to be more involved, but after a short burst of effort, he always goes back to his old ways.