Angry at sibling about dying mother

[Jameshop]

AIBU. My sibling moved to NZ, 30 years ago. Not always been particularly close close as such but we’ve always been there for each other whenever we’ve needed each other.

Our Mum was given weeks to live back the end of last year and so far my sibling has made every excuse not to come, busy at work, can’t get time off (they’re self employed!) then allegedly couldn’t get a flight home due to the Iran war, yet nothing stopping them from going via America, yada yada yada…

They have finally decided to come home our mum passed before they got on the plane.

we’ve told them for months that she’s been ill now they’ve come home ‘oh it’s so terrible they didn’t get home in time to say goodbye etc’

AIBU for angry at them for not coming sooner, all I feel is the one person I thought I could always rely on has ripped that from me as well as losing a parent. I do everything on my own here looking after my elderly parents while they live the high life abroad. They don’t even send a card over for birthdays and Christmas but expects stuff from our parents.

I appreciate this is grief as well added to the emotions.

I'm also angry at their partner for not encouraging them to come sooner especially as they lost their Dad recently and they dropped everything to be with them in Australia and constantly said oh I really wish I’d gone sooner. I’ve spoken to the partner and they spout the same rubbish about my sibling that they are busy couldn’t get time off, the war etc…

I’m so sorry about your DM @Jameshopand I can understand you being upset with your DSibling but people do handle dying in different ways and some people handle it by staying away. I would try and concentrate on the fact that you were with your DM in those last few weeks and you were able to offer her support.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum op.

You are in so much pain right now. You’re scared. For a while all your feelings will be rough on you and WILD. Don’t let the energy you have right now go anywhere other than on supporting you. What do you need?

I get it op.

I am sorry for you and your sibling losing your mother.

However, please do not be angry with them. We all grieve in different ways and for some, they go into denial that their relative is dying. So long as they did not book flights they could pretend life is going on normally and your mum will pull through and not die. I can understand the feelings of not wanting to make the impending death real by avoiding travelling back for as long as possible.

Sorry for your loss

Grief brings many complicated emotions with it

I'm not making excuses for your sibling, but please understand that being self employed does not necessarily mean they can take leave any time they wish. Sometimes, it can be harder than for an employee, as self employed people don't have a boss / colleague who can cover for them if they're absent

I’m so sorry for your loss op.

I’m going to make the broad assumption that your sibling is male. If so, you are not alone, this happened to my friend whose DB was in total denial about the terminal diagnosis of their DM. It hurt and infuriated my friend who struggled daily with it all whilst the “hero” DB visited minimally and with typical fanfare.

They are rebuilding their relationship, it’s not easy but he was genuinely in denial and thought by putting off visiting it put off the inevitable. His grief sent him spiralling, her grief was devastating but more manageable as she didn’t have the associated guilt.

Don’t bottle your feelings, I’d let rip, you are allowed to - you have them multiple opportunities and they didn’t respond to them.
Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.

thank you all

So sorry for your loss. You are right to be angry. Unlike other posters, I feel it's reasonable and justified to be angry at your sibling. It goes without saying that if a parent or close relative is gravely ill, one should be do their utmost beat to be by their side, and those that find excuses not to are just selfish and inconsiderate. Unless someone is genuinely unable to make the trip due to being too poor or hard up, I can't fathom why a business owner is unable to be at their mother's bed when she is so ill.

Having said that, I think it's always to talk to people a d tell them how you feel. And also offer them a chance to explain - further than not being able to take time off which sounds a lot like bs.

As angry as you might be, it's worth continuing to have a relationship with your sister.

Don’t bottle your feelings, I’d let rip, you are allowed to..

While this is good advice, I would not let rip to your sibling. Let rip on here, to a friend or your partner. We can’t control whether we go into denial before the person has died or are calm and practical and then collapse into puddles after the funeral. You two are siblings and it would be terrible to cause a rift between you two over different grieving patterns. Take the expressions of wish they’d come sooner as regret and grief rather than indirectly blaming you because you did tell them.

Absolutely reasonable to be angry about many things. Angry you had to deal with everything alone, angry your mum didn’t get the attention she deserved from your sibling, angry that now that sibling is talking as though they were taken by surprise by her death, had made every effort but just couldn’t do it in time.
It’s absolutely justified to feel all that, and it may be helping you keep the grief at bay a bit as well. Sometimes it’s easier to feel anger at someone else than to face the loss.

However, the sibling will probably have had a lot of complex feelings as well. You don’t know the reality of their work, the extent to which they have to work around it or lose their future income.
And yes, maybe they were trying to avoid facing the reality and are now doing their grieving all in one hard hit.

Your care may have meant you began the grieving process earlier, while they were able to keep their head in the sand so are now shocked.

However after all that’s said and done- it does sound as though they were careless about you and your mum. Whatever lay behind it, they didn’t show much care, and you were left to step up with no opportunity to prioritise your own life in the way they did.

I’m sorry for your loss.💐

In the three decades since moving to NZ, did your mother ever visit her? You?
Did she come back for visits?

@Jameshop
Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss 💔
I totally understand your anger.

When my DM was dying I moved in with her, full-time job, wfh at DM's house, it was stressful and had very little support despite having three DSIS, who were quite frankly useless, two dont work and one abroad.

My dsis who lives abroad, kept making excuses despite the fact that we agreed she'd come when I determined the end was near.

I kept telling her, its time, if you dont come you won't get to say goodbye and DM would have loved to see her (DM's fav child)

She missed saying goodbye but managed to fly over for the funeral and take a load of stuff from DM's house back with her.

I've never really forgiven her, I cant move away from the thought of my DM's hurt.
She's dying of stage 4 cancer and her DD is too busy (dsis doesn't work) to fly over.

I'll never get over my feelings of anger, it's been 4 years.

I’m sorry for your loss. However justifiably angry you feel right now I would try to not say or do anything that could lose you another close relation. Let some time pass until the emotions are less raw and then perhaps have a conversation. But for now, grieve however feels right for you. Condolences

so your sibling is obviously male and his partner female, because otherwise you wouldn’t be angry at her.

stop expecting women to facilitate their male partner’s family relationships.

I would tell them yes if would really have helped you and would have been nice for your mum if they had managed to come back to see your mum before she died. Then I change the subject any time they brought it back up again.

I’m sorry about your loss. I had a boyfriend once who was close to his dad who was unfortunately sadly dying from a horrible cancer. My boyfriend went to pay cricket one day and I went to see his dad. His dad was in such a bad way his mum thought he would die soon. I went off in a panic and went to get my boyfriend from cricket. He decided not to leave the game and of course I respected his decision. His dad died that afternoon and it took me a while to understand my boyfriend did not want memories of him dying. He wanted to remember him alive. People approach death differently.

You only need to express your feelings once and you are entitled to let your sibling know exactly what you have done for the last few months and how let down you feel.

By not expressing yourself and your feelings and your anger, it has the opportunity to fester and become worse. Let them know how you are feeling, why does their grief trump yours? And do you feel confident that you can forgive them and have the relationship with them if you don’t bring it up? If it will make YOU feel better then you need to say something and get it out and over.

*BUT if you decide to do that, that has to be it you can’t dwell on it and you have to let it go for good x.
(I’m not trying to start a family rift, you know your sibling but you also can’t allow this anger to cripple you.)

Yes, some people are spectacularly selfish.

You are a better person than me.
I wouldn’t hve been able to stop myself from saying something along the lines of “well you could have come but you chose not to-please stop saying it’s a shame you couldn’t get here. I’ve been telling you since xxxxx the brevity of the situation- instead of making excuses to me just own it”.

I know they are grieving - but they are not holding back on the ‘oh it’s such a shame’ to assuage their guilt, so why should you have to hold back?You are grieving too, and arguably more.
I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing but I wouldn’t be able to sleep on a night if I didn’t say something and I wouldn’t be concerned that if I didn’t I would simply let rip and go off like a cork out of champagne when it all got too much.
Sending hugs, 🤗

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I think it also depends on the relationship that they had with your Mum : the fact they didn't rush over probably indicates that it wasn't that great.

You mention that they went to Aus when the partners Dad was dying, but that's very close to NZ, so it's not the same.

My Dad is elderly and probably won't last longer than another year. I live far away and haven't seen him for about 2 years. Truth is, I don't really have a desire to visit. I speak to him every day on the phone, and do various things for him. And he was not a great Dad! He was quite abusive to us as kids (not physical but emotionally) and also treated our Mum terribly.

You mention that your sibling is self employed, as though that means she/he can just shut up shop and travel. It's not that easy! Self employed people don't earn a penny if they're not working. A trip from NZ to the UK would probably cost them around £10k in lost earnings and travel expenses!

I don't think that your relationship with them should be affected by this.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
your sibling will have to live with their decisions. When they bring it up, change subjects . They will seek some kind of validation it is ok, and whilst I wouldn’t go off at them, I honestly wouldn’t give them that.

OP your brother made a choice to leave the UK and build a life away from his relatives.

I think that means that your brother was never as close as you are to your parents or to you in the first place. The reality is that being related to someone does not automatically means you are close to them.

I also think it is unfair for you to expect his partner to push him to do something he likely just did not want to do. His partner loyalty is to him, not to you.

You are grieving and it is understandable that your emotions run high but your sibling made his choice.

Maybe he did not experience family life as you did when he was under your parent care and he might have a different story to tell.

You being angry and/or shouting at him is not going to change anything.