Do you feel like you do your best to be empathetic and supportive but when it's your turn nobody gives a shit and it's "anyway back to MY story" asap?

[CurdinHenry]

I'm feeling a little bit despairing at how one sided my friendships mostly are. People can't even keep dates to meet up.

I value my friends but I don't feel like most of them would even notice if I just upped and left.

Its really annoying when people do this.

It is and of late I've been struggling to identify relationships that are any give rather than all take. Maybe friendships are actually something other than what I thought they were.

I think if you're too giving and too caring you can end up with unbalanced relationships with people who are very happy to take and don't necessarily value you very much because they take your support for granted.

Yes, my MIL is like this and it drives me insane. Take your energy and time investment away from these type of people.

Some will say that it's their way of showing empathy, or relatability, but really, they are uncomfortable with you on a level other than superficial or they are selfish.

Either way, you won't get what you need from them.

I think we’re all so starved of proper communication now that we’ve lost the ability and also so excited to talk about something related to us that we forget other people. I think everyone does it now tbh, it’s not that they don’t care, they just want us to hear their stuff too!!

All the time.

Yep, although my bestie goes from one genuine crisis to another so I have no idea how she's still standing and understand that she doesn't have the mental space to consider how this is coming across.

But some others, one will text and ask how I am, if I reply with anything other than 'great, how are you' that will be the end of the messages, and if I do say that there will be half an hour of victimhood dumped on me.

We are not there to acr as counsellors for our friends. Support as we can yes but not to just dump all emotions on. There is a reason therapists are paid to listen to people.

It feels harsh but I'm better with boundaries now.

I agree re counselling (although I do think a bit of problem empathising is reasonable!). But other things bother me, like me remembering their birthdays and them never remembering mine, me always travelling to see them, them cancelling without any thought to how I might feel about it.

I need to take friendships less seriously maybe but we are social creatures and it's kind of hard to keep coming away from things feeling like these other people have no idea what's going on with me because they only talk about themselves.

You are attracting the wrong people, probably based on patterns from your childhood.

Were you the peacekeeper in your home? The 'good kid' who didn't need anything? Were you ignored and neglected?

I ask all this because when I was in my 20s I felt the same way - I realised so many of my relationships were one-sided. I finally figured out it was down to the type of person I tended to be attracted to. Essentially my problem was that I would hide who I really was, so self-centred people were attractive because they never paid me any attention. Of course when I needed care and attention, nothing changed and I realised the friendship was just a facade - they were using me, or at least the version of me that I presented to them, which was somoene who was super helpful and had no needs of my own.

I consciously changed the type of person I befriended and I now have lovely supportive friends who genuinely care. They do exist. Some selfish people have slipped through over the years but I've spotted them pretty quickly and ended things or kept them at a distance.

You are not a passive force in the relationships you create. You are building the dynamic and for whatever reason the dynamic you build is you as the giver and the 'friend' as the taker. If you go into the relationship with the clear expectation of reciprocity the takers will quickly walk away.

I could have written this OP and you’re not being unreasonable at all. I’ve had many ‘friends’ like this over the years and it’s exhausting and depressing. They only ever want to know you when they need something from you and it’s all one-sided.

I finally snapped at the last lot because they kept arranging things without me and then not understanding why I felt excluded. It was always “oh, we didn’t know you wanted to (insert activity here), you should have told us”. Except that they hadn’t told me they were planning to go and I’m not psychic! Most of that group drifted away after that apart from one who actually heard what I was saying and apologised as they genuinely hadn’t realised this was how I felt.

I’ve now got a much smaller but more genuine set of friends. My advice is to set some boundaries and speak up. If nothing else that will help you to find out who your genuine friends are and stop you wasting energy on those who aren’t willing to give as well as take.

I think I try to just be friendly and have good relationships with as many people as possible and obviously the people you have good personality friction with in terms of shared interests/sense of humour or whatever tend to be the ones who stick best? I don't think i could just decide to have better kinds of friends. I should stop sending unreciprocated birthday greetings, though.

I think it's fairly normal as an adult to have only a few friends that you exchange birthday greetings with and those friend will be particular people that you've built quite a strong relationship with.

IMO friendships are a lot like romantic relationships - there are plenty of nice, friendly people out there but only a few that you can really connect with. It is worth being selective.

Good post, @Whyarepeople. OP, you need to take some responsibility for this, too. You are also an agent within your relationships. If literally all of your friendships rely on you being the listener, sympathiser, shoulder to cry on, and if you always travel to the other person, you’ve trained your friends in what to expect from you.

I don't agree with that tbh. I think a lot of people are just really really selfish and you either have to take them or leave them.

You're essentially saying what I'm saying, which is you have to be selective. I agree that some people are very selfish and there is no point in trying to be friends with them. Equally some others just don't suit you and so the friendship doesn't work. The question is why are you choosing people who aren't right for you?

Yes I think the quality of your friendships does depend on the dynamic you set up.

People will be themselves (which may or may not include an inclination towards thoughtfulness) and expect you to behave as you always have without any thought as to whether they “deserve” it.

If I didn't socialise with selfish people I would rarely socialise.

Is it your belief that unselfish people just don't exist?

But these people are supposedly your friends!

Are you actually saying that if you didn’t travel to see them and remember their birthdays and be endlessly sympathetic to their tales of woe, although they never reciprocate, you would have no friends? Because you think everyone’s like this?