To feel a tad discriminated against?

[juicygrape]

So I am a single parent of a teenage son who has played football since he was young.

We moved areas last year so were looking for a new club for him to join for this season quite late (the week before the season started!). We found a local club seeking players on Facebook and he had a trial with them and they took him on. 1 division lower than what he was previously playing in, but he’s just happy to play.

He's played every game of the season except for the last 2, due to be left out. Last year the team were second from the bottom, now they are second from the top. I am not an expert but I believe my lad plays well as is as good as anyone else on the team, he’s always had lots of game time. His Dad goes to watch him too and knows more about it than me and says he is a decent player.

Anyway, a conversation with one of the coaches regarding next season, it has come about that they will keep him for next season, but as a “reserve”. When I queried why, the coach said-

“It’s not fair on the other players and families who all turn up and support, to have their lads sat on the bench until the last 10 mins of the game due to us having a lot of players. We’d prefer to give priority to the boys who’s families come and watch the games so they can see them play”.

I admit I don’t often watch a full game- I have a disability and find standing and even sitting on a fold out chair for the period of the whole game very difficult.

It could be an excuse absolutely, and maybe my boy isn’t as decent as I think he is… because surely if he is a good player they’d have him playing regardless!

AIBU

It’s obviously discrimination, but what you can do about it depends on the size and texture of the team/league. You could make a complaint on the grounds of discrimination if it’s the kind of outfit that has an official email, complaints policy, office of staff etc. you could write to the coach and say ‘I feeL it is not fair to leave my child on the bench because I am disabled and unable to sit in the cold watching him.’. Alternatively, you could find a different team. No point in your boy just sitting there not playing week after week.

Thing is if it’s just an excuse and he’s not good enough / not a good fit for the team I’d rather just be told straight… rather than feel terrible about the fact that I don’t “support” enough and it’s my fault he’s going to be left out.

I do watch part of every game, I’ve made an effort with other players parents who all seem very lovely and have been very welcoming when he joined. I went for a Christmas meal with them. When the club was asking for volunteers to assist with admin/safeguarding I also put myself forward, but wasn’t taken up on my offer (this is my work background too and I am very experienced) which is fine, but I have tried to do what I can to support the club in the ways that I can.

I will probably try and find him another club as he does just want to play, as he enjoys it and it’s his only hobby.

The reasons given are shite as is the coaching and team management. By that rationale they'd sit the best player if the parents weren't there. Ridiculous. Find another club.

That’s what I was thinking. So maybe he’s just not a good player and it’s just an excuse.

That sounds like utter nonsense. How do they rank them? Higher if both parents attend every week than if 1 goes? (given you've said his dad does go and watch him?) How about grandparents? Do they count? Do 2 parents going every other week outscore 1 parent going every week? What about if they had a child on the team who was in foster care or a children's home and nobody came to watch them - would that mean they wouldn't get any playing time?

If that is true, it's both the stupidest way of allocating players I've ever heard of and discriminatory in multiple ways (against parents with disabilities, lots of other kids, single parent families, etc.)
If it's just an excuse then they're both cowardly and lying.

Either way not a club I'd want him in if there were any other reasonable alternatives.

Don't second guess yourself of your son. Likely some parents are friends and it's to appease them. Typical. 🙄
You're outsiders, so to speak. Yes, there might be all sorts of discrimination because people can be assholes, which further proves this club isn't for you or your family.

I had two disabled parents. I know how hard things are for you, your son and the challenges you both face. Trust me: you are amazing. Your son is learning so much from you. 🩷

It doesn't really make sense if you watch at least part of the game every week and his dad watches sometimes too. Depending on their wording were they just warning you they wanted to give pitch time More evenly over the team. Maybe they are less motivated by performance and want to give others more opportunity.

Yes most of the players on the team are very long standing, and have played for the same club since young, it’s only my son and a few others this year that are newcomers.

His Dad does go and watch, but not every week as he doesn’t live as close now due to us moving, he’s also a single parent with a younger child. There aren’t any grandparents around unfortunately. It’s tough but we do what we can, my son never misses training or anything like that, he always shows up. He’s been a bit sad to be left out the last couple of games, as he would show up even if he only got to play for 10 mins.

One of the coaches is very nice, but is leaving at the end of the season. The other comes across a bit arrogant. He’s picked the teams for the past 2 games hence my son being left out.

I’ve noticed quite a few people voting that I am unreasonable but no one has commented yet and I’d really like that point of view to gain some perspective.

Will start looking for other clubs because PP are right, that even if it’s an excuse it’s not very good management and a bit cowardly. It’s a shame as was hoping with the move for him to find a club to slot into for the rest of his teenage years and he does get along with his teammates really well and has made new friends.

They said he will be a reserve if he stays next season, so he will only play matches if they don’t have enough players.

Maybe he thinks you’re less likely to give him grief than the other larger families who are around more so might complain more? Only one person to avoid rather than an entire family?

I think it's this They don't want to disappoint the long standing families they have a relationship with. The club feels that those families have an expectation they need to meet, regardless of the individual boy and his ability. It's not a good way of running a competitive club but i suspect lots of this goes on in reality. Mind-boggling that they basically told you the issue - you as family haven't schmoozed us enough for your boy to play. Definitely better to find another club.

If you watch him play as often as possible, surely you must know if he's a good player or not?

I’m not hugely into sport, my only experience of football is my son playing. I think he’s a decent player. He plays up front. This whole season he’s played the majority of every game from what I’ve seen seen and he’s told me.

From what his Dad (who is very into football and still plays as an adult) has told me, he is a good player, his Dad says better than most on the team. His Dad says you can tell it’s a club where people have stayed loyal from young, as there are a few players who are really good and definitely could have moved to a better club and up a league. There are others who aren’t so good and probably wouldn’t play in their division if they joined a new club now and would be in a lower league.

They were advertising for new players on Facebook a week before the start of the season. So I don’t really understand why they would do that - then move him to reserve to give the long standing players and families who support at games more game time? Why didn’t they just leave it as it was.

His Dad has politely messaged the coach for some more clarity and has been told that there will be a meeting with coaches and parents after x game (which my son is not playing in) for a discussion about how the team is going to work going forward, and has been asked “to bare with us while we make decisions for next season”. We haven’t been invited to this meeting so it seems like it might be with the more long standing players and families.

One of the newer 3 is good friends with my son and he is also not playing and wasn’t told about any meeting.

Find another team. There's thousands

It sounds as though they are very cliquey and maybe the regulars parents have complained about their child not being in the first team
It's a nonsense and no reputable sports club would chose their team based on how often their parents watch them. It's extremely unfair.
If he isn't good enough for the first team that is another matter but they didn't say that a good sports club would tell you that.
It doesn't sound anything like a good sports club and if I were you I'd look for something else

Sounds like nonsense but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion he's a poor player either. Like another poster said it could just be inter team politics that you've no idea of. The coach sounds not very nice at all and really flakey. Is there another person you could talk to? Imagine saying that- laying a guilt trip over what was probably nothing to do.with you. Even if you didn't have a disability. He's no ideas what pressures might be operating. Makes me feel.quite cross.

If they have told his dad about the meeting for parents surely his dad should go to try to prevent them pushing out your son?

What age group is your son? Is it one of the age groups where there will
inevitably be changes next season as there are changes to the number of players in the team or does it stay the same?
I’d just move clubs. It sounds as though he is a good player so there will be other opportunities for him and hopefully
you will find somewhere more welcoming and supportive. Both of my DC have played football. The politics at some clubs has been fascinating, more so since a friend has taken on coaching a grassroots team (not one of the ones my DC play in) and I have had an insight into quite how much contact (& hassle!) they have from some parents.

It's telling you and a few others have not been invited to the upcoming meeting. I'd find him another team, this one doesn't sound like the right fit.

This sort of thing sums up my experience of kids football. It’s just horrible. Any other sport - any - and you’ll meet nicer people. Just don’t let your kids play it. Get them into rugby, or running, or a martial art or swimming. You’ll meet nicer people, normal people. Football - grim.

Find another club.
Asking some and not all parents is very strange.

at some point the arrangements for matches changed from rolling subs/ being able to cone off go back on to standard 5 sub arrangement with a set team sheet, think it was about age 14 but I admit I didn’t pay much attention to. Some kids at that point were told they were reserves and not likely to get much play time to allow them to choose a different team.

My DS both play club sports. The club is a friendly club not a very competitive one and their ethos is not quite this but is very much "turn up for practice and you'll have a shot at being in the match". So that means better players are sometimes benched because they didnt turn up for practice.
Now I do get the point in a way the coach is making which is that families are being committed but dont get to see their lad play and that's a shame for them. But there's other ways to solve e.g. rotate players so they play 1 in 2 matches or whatever.
So whilst I get the idea which is that you want and need families that support the club, they've just gone about it really kack handed. You've got a disability so you can't be there, other families may have 1 parent and kids in different teams etc etc. So it's a stupid way to assess commitment to the club

Honestly OP, just move him and let them go all the way back down to the bottom of the league again. I’ve been involved in all sorts of kids sports for 15 odd years now, I’m also a team manager myself for a different sport. I’ve never, ever heard of team selections being based on how many parents come to watch a fixture. It’s bat shit.