My father and his brother *TW* CSA

[365RubyRed]

Both men abused me, in the worst possible way, from the age of 5 until 9, when I found my voice and told a friend who told her mother who escalated it. My own mother was in denial. The men are now deceased. Dad died recently, uncle died a few years ago. I am really struggling to get through this. Work friends are offering condolences. Has anyone any straightforward advice for negotiating this ‘not grief’ process?

I'm so very sorry for what you went through. Have you ever had therapy to process this? Can you articulate how you feel? Say it out loud to yourself when you're alone, write it down? It makes it less confusing, less overwhelming to give the feelings a chance to be aired. Can you access therapy now? I'm sure you feel a lot of anger. And there's probably grief for the father relationship you should have had, but didn't. Anger that death seems to whitewash a person's awful behaviour. Your work colleagues are just saying the polite socially expected stuff. They don't know any better. But I imagine the absolute nonsense of what they're saying is incredibly galling. Have a stock response for them, something like "Thanks for thinking of me. He really wasn't a good person. I'm finding his death hard because it's stirring up a lot"

Could you be honest with work colleagues - in whatever way you feel comfortable as @PruneJuiceAWarriorsDrink said.

My daughter was physically abused by her father (not sexually) and he is currently in prison. She's 7 and he's been in since she was 4. She's so honest with people about her father. I find it refreshing. It's not her shame to bear. The responsibility lies with the abuser and the shame should lie with them. Unfortunately, as victims we so often feel so much shame and take it onwards. It eats away at us.

I would highly recommend therapy even if you've done it before. It's different now your abusers have passed away. There are complex feelings to navigate and having someone who is not emotionally involved and who has an understanding of trauma might be helpful to you.

I would also recommend looking at both EMDR and somatic therapy if you find yourself still struggling with CPTSD symptoms that are affecting your day to day life.

Thank you for your compassionate responses, it means a lot.

I would try to think of the condolence's as though they are for the man your father should have been, and not for who he was. They know no better, and you shouldn't need to explain anything to them.

A friend went through something similar, and it was a really tricky time for her. She accessed support through her GP (was a while ago, can't remember what exactly) and it did help her process her emotions and find a way through.

You've got this!