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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to resent my father-in-law turning up late unannounced?

19 replies

Onefedupferret · 27/04/2026 20:09

I’m asking because I have a strong dislike for the man. He’s misogynistic and chauvinistic and is always more than happy to share his racist views and make uncomfortable comments about people’s weight and appearance (despite not being blessed with beauty himself and being considerably overweight) and he’s also made several sexual comments about very young girls in my presence. He just repulses me straight and simple. Let alone the way he treated my partner growing up and the way he treats his wife, but I won’t go into that. If it werent for my son I wouldn’t have anything to do with the man.

For context, he doesn’t work. He always visits in the evening. Usually between 8pm-10pm, completely unannounced, usually because he wants something. No text, no call, he just turns up on the doorstep. After a long day at work I just want to relax so I’m often not in a great mood. Just a month ago I lost my best friend, my absolute rock of a dog that got me through some of the worst moments of my life. A week later he turns up at 9:15pm, with Easter eggs. My partner and I had planned to watch a movie and cuddle as I was having a bad day with the grief. when he arrives I tell him I’m sorry but I’m going to bed as I’ve got to get up at 5am for the gym before work tomorrow but thank you very much for the easter eggs. I literally cry myself to sleep. My partner tells me in the morning that his dad asked when I could take his dog to be groomed (he doesn’t drive and makes me arrange all his dogs grooming appointments and take her to and from which takes a good few hours out of my day).

I am just so sick of it. I genuinely want to move home so he can’t just turn up on our doorstep like that. He always comes to me to sort out things like booking holidays and things to do with his dogs, despite him knowing how heavy my mental load already is. I work 32-36 hours a week, home Ed my son and until fairly recently had 3 dogs to care for one of which had spinal issues. But he’s also had the nerve to make a FB post that is very clearly directed at me, essentially saying I’m grumpy or sad all the time but he was so happy to bump into my son at the shop.

He see’s my son often enough and even took him out the other day so it’s very obviously a dig at me. My partner and his sister have mentioned many times about how it’s rude to just turn up so late and not even message before. But he still insists on turning up late and unannounced, more often than not because he wants something.

Is my hatred for the man causing me to be unreasonable about this?

OP posts:
AngryHerring · 27/04/2026 20:12

I'm sorry about your dog.

You must tell FIL that he must arrange his own dog grooming, you are not obliged to do that.

Your DH must impress on his father that his late night unannounced visits aren't acceptable. And turn him away if he turns up.

SconehengeRevenge · 27/04/2026 20:13

Is my hatred for the man causing me to be unreasonable about this?

No

Your DH should be supporting with this

Wowthatwasabigstep · 27/04/2026 20:16

When FIL turns up when most people are winding down for the evening why have you not said that it is not a convenient time and told him you will see him another time.

You are enabling his bad behaviour.

Anywherebuthere · 27/04/2026 20:19

He shouldn't have a dog if he can't look after it.

Your DH needs to be a rock solid support for you between you and his father.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 27/04/2026 20:20

So he lives walking distance from you? You need to move. Tell your husband you are moving. Either that or you are leaving him.

Vaxtable · 27/04/2026 20:20

You tell your partner you are not doing anything more for him, it’s down to your oartner to get t( dog sorted, book holidays eyc

when he arrives I would just go upstairs and leave him with your partner

tulipseason12 · 27/04/2026 20:23

i dont think its unreasonable for a parent to expect their child to help but not you! his son can sort out his dogs grooming and book his holidays.
i cant imagine getting my husband to do stuff for my mum!?!? thats my responsability.

coming announced is annoying 😩 i would be the same but its your husbands dad so tricky one. eithet way, your husband needs to sort it not you.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2026 20:31

He sounds utterly repulsive. Stop doing anything for him. He is rude, entitled and a misogynistic racist. If your husband is unhappy with you stopping helping his dad, tell him that he can do it all.

CluelessInMyGarden · 27/04/2026 20:31

Stop opening the door and tell him to go away!

WilfredsPies · 27/04/2026 20:36

Your DH needs to go to his home and tell him that he needs to text before he comes round because it’s not always convenient. And if it’s not convenient, then you won’t be opening the door, no matter how long he stands there for.

Or he should open the door and say ‘sorry dad, we’re just about to take ourselves off to bed for an early night, I’ll pop in tomorrow on my way home from work’. Or ‘Sorry dad, we’re right in the middle of a film and Ferret isn’t dressed for visitors; you should have text first’.

Bristolandlazy · 27/04/2026 20:38

Tell him you don't ever have visitors after six pm, that you need notice when he wants to visit. Get your partner to tell him. If he's rude call him out. If he knocks on the door say you're busy/tired/no sorry see you soon etc.

JLou08 · 27/04/2026 20:39

Don't answer the door. Lock it if he let's himself in. You don't have to allow him in your home whenever he wants. Start saying no to his requests. Why isn't your DH backing you up with these things? It seems really insensitive that he'd pass on that his dad was asking about you doing something for the dog. He should have just told him you have a lot on now.

notallwombats · 27/04/2026 20:41

Why the fuck isn’t your OH dealing with the dog grooming and other admin?

And why isn’t OH telling him 1) to not come by after 7pm, 2) to not come by at all unless agreed upon in advance, 3) to not make pervy gross comments about women under your roof?

Your OH sounds like a wet lettuce.

Duckswaddle · 27/04/2026 20:47

Don’t answer the door.

Gymnopedie · 27/04/2026 20:55

He always comes to me to sort out things like booking holidays and things to do with his dogs, despite him knowing how heavy my mental load already is.

I take it this is his chauvinism showing. He won't ask his own son because admin and skivvying is for women?

So where is DH in all this? Why isn't he having words with his dad? Why did he let him in when you had a lovely night planned together?

Clearly he prioritises his dad over you. I'm guessing he's going to use the old 'doesn't like conflict' excuse. Would rather upset you than his dad.

PullTheBricksDown · 27/04/2026 21:04

Tell your husband it's now his job to take the dogs to be groomed. Bet it doesn't happen

Onefedupferret · 27/04/2026 21:45

Gymnopedie · 27/04/2026 20:55

He always comes to me to sort out things like booking holidays and things to do with his dogs, despite him knowing how heavy my mental load already is.

I take it this is his chauvinism showing. He won't ask his own son because admin and skivvying is for women?

So where is DH in all this? Why isn't he having words with his dad? Why did he let him in when you had a lovely night planned together?

Clearly he prioritises his dad over you. I'm guessing he's going to use the old 'doesn't like conflict' excuse. Would rather upset you than his dad.

Yes its definitely him not wanting to upset the Apple cart 🙄 you’re very insightful 😅 He did tell him he would sort the grooming (and obviously hasn’t 🤣)

He says it annoys him too, and he doesn’t like his Dad, but again I think he just doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy. He’s always trying to be the nice guy for everyone else, even if it means him being walked over… He’s only just starting to have a backbone at work, maybe this will eventually spill over into his other life. I think it’s an insecurity thing, because he has no problem being assertive with me 🤣

OP posts:
Onefedupferret · 27/04/2026 21:52

JLou08 · 27/04/2026 20:39

Don't answer the door. Lock it if he let's himself in. You don't have to allow him in your home whenever he wants. Start saying no to his requests. Why isn't your DH backing you up with these things? It seems really insensitive that he'd pass on that his dad was asking about you doing something for the dog. He should have just told him you have a lot on now.

Sorry I should have mentioned, he did tell his dad he would sort the grooming… and obviously hasn’t 😅 He doesnt particularly like his dad, but I think he worries about causing a rift with the rest of his family and also ruining the relationship my son has with him. He’s the only grandad he has 😕

I know eventually my son will grow to see that FIL is not a nice person, but I feel I have to let that happen on its own. For now he’s a young kid that is innocently naive and enjoys spending time with him.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 27/04/2026 21:52

Pass it all over to your DH. He is perfectly capable of sorting things out for his own dad.

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