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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go for my run even though everyone needs me?

54 replies

Peacepot · 27/04/2026 14:00

Both my parents are in failing health, which has come on suddenly, and whilst they've been talking about downsizing for a decade or more, they're still living in a very big, very cluttered house.

There's only really me. I'm widowed, one adult DC has loved away, the other (just adult) has his own MH challenges, although is good for practical support when asked, I can't lean on him. DSis lives away too.

In the last 2 weeks, I have taken both of them to A&E and to other scheduled hospital appointments. I was at A&E until midnight last night, when Mum persuaded me to leave, which was a mistake because she was still in the chair, without so much as a drink at 5am.

I've tried to get them to have a social care assessment and/or accept paid help.

I'm still trying to work albeit PT. My boss is off sick (three weeks and counting) meaning I'm trying to keep things ticking over, at the same time as having no one to refer anything to, so I'm doing extra hours. I'll be paid for them, but that's not the point.

My "best" friend has thrown her toys out the pram becuase I wasn't supportive enough over a big thing she did. I did wish her luck and sent a message asking how it went, but I was distracted trying to get 80+ Mum sone actual care in hospital. She's blocked me on everything.

Dad is having an emotional breakdown because we can't find out what's going on for mum. She's been in A&E for 24 hours and hasn't seen a doctor yet - they called and asked her to go in urgently following scan results, so everyone is worried.

My own house hasn't had any housework done for ages, which whikst not the end of the world, contributes to a general feeling of unease.

I've had a massive tax bill (thousands) which I'm sure is wrong. Have tried several times to phone and get to the bottom of it, haven't yet managed to speak to anyone.

My BF has suggested going for a run this afternoon. He's been great, has been bringing me food late at night, giving me lifts so I don't need to try and park at the hospital, but he's definitely a BF rather than a DP/DH iyswim. He's not sharing the emotional burden becuase it would be odd if he did.

I have a million things I should do instead, including going back see Mum and try and find out what's going on. She won't be making a fuss and I can't get an answer by telephone, and going to see what I can do to comfort Dad, trying to sort the tax, doing some food shopping, for me and Dad, doing some work.

Everyone's telling me they don't want to be any trouble (including work) at the same time as telling me problems that aren't going to be fixed unless I do it.

I'm not exactly young myself, and although fit and well, menopause and bereavement mean I don't cope as well as I used to, and am easily overwhelmed.

BF is the only one looking out for me even a little bit, and even without him, running has long been my coping mechanism.

This is one of those put your own oxygen mask on first situations?

OP posts:
OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 27/04/2026 14:30

Peacepot · 27/04/2026 14:29

I can't, she's blocked me 🤣

well, that’s one less thing on your list.

ignore her when she comes crawling back out of the woodwork

FinallyHere · 27/04/2026 14:31

You remember that announcement at the beginning of a flight, reminding you to see to your own oxygens mask before helping anyone else ?

you can’t pour from an empty jug, do try and look after yourself. Tonnes of sympathy

Upsetaboutparents · 27/04/2026 14:33

Running/exercising is the only thing keeping me sane and able to cope while I support my daughter through some awful stuff.

Absolutely go for the run. You may then feel more able to cope with the other shit. I hope life gets easier for you soon

Holesintheground · 27/04/2026 14:33

The other things won't be solved this afternoon so run now, while you have chance. You are allowed to have needs too.

Ca2026 · 27/04/2026 14:37

Absolutely not wrong, this was me last week. Everything felt like it was on fire around me as I walked out to run club, but I knew I needed that 45-60 mins to clear my mind and just have my own space. I came back a better person for it.

Geronimomomo · 27/04/2026 14:38

Run like the wind, lady! 😊🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

Sartre · 27/04/2026 14:44

Yes, absolutely go for the run! You will feel so much better afterwards about everything else and able to deal with it more.

BerryTwister · 27/04/2026 15:07

I’m glad you went for a run OP. I went through a very hectic few years when the kids were younger. If I’d only gone running when I had time, I would never have gone. So I just went anyway, whether I had time or not. Apart from sleeping and eating, it was literally the only thing I did that was purely for me.

DuchessofStaffordshire · 27/04/2026 15:11

You absolutely must go for your run! Don't feel guilty either.

ToastSoldiers · 27/04/2026 15:11

You’re better off without the ‘friend’ for sure. Enjoy your run Flowers

Gardenquestion22 · 27/04/2026 15:14

Go for a run. Also while hating to add another thing to your list - you may well get help and support from Adult Social Care. We did and it worked out as a real help in the end.

FlatCatYellowMat · 27/04/2026 15:24

You need to do it. You literally must.

I saw a person say recently that it's great to be a people pleaser, as long as one of those people is yourself. And this is well beyond being a people pleaser - you're right, this is an oxygen mask situation. Plus it'll help you connect with the one person you seem to have around who you say is looking out for you.

You need to bear in mind that social services have slippery shoulders (I understand why) - you need to make it clear that you can't provide the care and that your parents need external support - the moment you say you can do something, they'll grab it with both hands and close yourparent's case.

BernardButlersBra · 27/04/2026 15:27

Peacepot · 27/04/2026 14:29

I can't, she's blocked me 🤣

Is she always so immature and childish? She must know other people can and do have other stuff going on as well

BernardButlersBra · 27/04/2026 15:28

But yeah go for the run! Self care is definitely needed

murasaki · 27/04/2026 15:28

I can't imagine why anyone has said YABU. I hope you've enjoyed your run.

Hollowvoice · 27/04/2026 15:33

I hope you come back from your run feeling refreshed

CanaryLibra · 27/04/2026 15:36

I am watching a good friend literally crumble under the weight of her selfish, wealthy, stingy parents expectations that she will be at their beck and call whilst they refuse to accept or to pay for any help from outside agencies.

Go for the run.

durdledoris · 27/04/2026 15:41

You can't drink out of an empty cup op - if running is your thing, go for it!

getearnow · 27/04/2026 15:44

Wow you are a superwoman for juggling all that, and wanting to run!
You need to continue to care for yourself so that you are able to care for others, don’t ask us for permission ever again.
Sounds like you raised a good lad that’s willing to help his granddad without being asked.

cestlavielife · 27/04/2026 15:44

Go for a run

REP22 · 27/04/2026 15:46

Enjoy every minute of your run, and all the runs that are to come. You need you too and you are important. Others' wants do not get to trump yours above all else.

You might want to check out the Cockroach Cafe on MN - Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026 | Mumsnet an absolute bastion of wisdom, kindness, solidarity and support for those navigating the choppy waters of elderly parents. No judgement there - and plenty of people who also have other, younger dependent whose needs they also have to factor-in. x

Page 19 | Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026 | Mumsnet

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed. Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5503705-cockroach-cafe-spring-to-summer-2026?reply=151817885&utm_campaign=Mumsnet_Watched_Thread_Notification_New_Talk&utm_medium=email&utm_source=echobox

Delphiniumandlupins · 27/04/2026 16:06

Run. You'll be much more effective afterwards. Sounds like you may need to be a little firmer in several areas of your life too, eg your parents may need to accept support from other agencies because you simply can't do everything for them.

Poodlelove · 27/04/2026 16:11

Go for a run.
Do what ever you need to do to keep sane.
Hire a cleaner as a one off as it's not expensive and let your BF help with whatever you need.

It does get better ❤️

Pistachiocake · 27/04/2026 16:16

It sounds like you feel guilty for leaving your mum, and a lot of people won't believe that they leave old. ill people in chairs for literally days in AE now. They do, but you can't be there literally all the time-is there anyone who could share this with you? I would forget that friend of yours-she doesn't sound like a friend at all.

Whatafustercluck · 27/04/2026 16:43

As a fellow overwhelmed and overloaded, running on fumes and now with a horrible cold, yes do make time for yourself. Swimming is my thing and I haven't been swimming for over a week now for various reasons. It makes me feel even crabbier.

Who will keep all those plates spinning and caring for others when you burn yourself out?