AIBU to be worried I’m going fucking crazy?

[SunflowerFields4]

I’ve been debating posting this for a while because I was so nervous but figured I’ve nothing to lose and someone might have some advice!

I’m genuinely worried I’m starting to go crazy and I don’t know what to do☹️

I've always been a perfectionist but it’s been a good thing and got me good results, but it’s definitely caused extra stress. I remember as a child I got 19/20 in my spelling test when I was 7 and I cried so much I made myself run 20 laps of the playground as a punishment to not be a failure next time. Probably sounds ridiculous but it’s just that way I’ve always been! I managed to control it as a teenager and was much better for a while

but it’s flared up now I’ve started a new job and I’m worried I’m going crazy. It’s a profession with a lot of responsibility and I’ve become so scared of making a mistake. (Obviously I’ll try and stay anonymous by not saying what it is, but think along the lines of lawyer, dentist etc).

the annoying thing is, I know I can do the job and I know what I’m doing. I’ve got awards and always have great feedback. But it feels like my brain has become latched onto one specific thing and it’s become obsessive. I feel like I need to check it 9 times,just to make sure I’m not missing anything. But then after, my brain will be like ‘hey you NEED to check it again because you might have missed something!’ and it’s so, so hard to ignore. I’ll try to tell myself no, I’ve checked it and don’t need to again, but then in the midst of all this thinking back and forth my brain will tell me I’ve lost track of what I’ve checked and should check it all again from the start. Even though I know I’ve checked it, I’ll then doubt myself and have to check it all over again. Or I’ll check it sooo many times, be JUST about to close it down because I’ve checked it, and then something tiny but unrelated will pop into my head (eg, where is the curser on the screen, what time is it, right let’s close this screen down) etc and then my brain will be like ‘hey you were distracted you need to check it ALL over again’. Or worse- I’ll stare at the screen SO much my vision actually starts to go blurry, and then I’ll feel like I need to check it all over again. Or I’ll stare at something and actually start to doubt it’s even real, like I’ll double check the date on it to make sure it’s the right one but instead of just looking at the date I’ll genuinely start to question it be like, does that really say 27/04/26?? Even though I know for a fact that’s what it says. Etc.

im exhausted with it but I don’t know what is wrong with me or how to stop it. It’s really upsetting because deep down I know I can do the job and I never make any mistakes or miss anything, but it’s like my brain has become so scared of making mistakes and being shit at my job that it’s playing tricks on itself!

nobody knows because on the surface I’m fine, I do all this double checking over my lunch or I stay late. But I just want to be like everyone else where I check it once and that’s it, but it feels like EVERYTHING inside me screams to check it again whenever I try that and it’s so so hard to fight against. I’ve got a promoted and high up position for my age which feels ridiculous when I can’t even read a date without second guessing it

im just so worried to tell anyone in case they think I can’t do my job or I get in trouble or lose my job or something, but the whole thing is making me so miserable and burnt out. I just want to do the best job I can and be good at it and enjoy it. But it feels SO embarrassing that with my job i can’t even solve this problem for myself

does anyone have any advice or has anyone ever experienced similar? Thanks so much in advance x

Sorry for swearing in the title, just realised I forgot to delete the world! I actually typed the title before the post and I was frustrated with myself and tired at the start, after typing it all out I actually felt a little better but I forgot to go back and take out the swear word sorry!!

Sounds like OCD. I'm thinking that because I'm in the trenches with my son atm and your post is very familiar. He developed his in school.

And swear away. A good swear is good for us I recon on occasion.

It does sound like ocd.

There are many types of OCD (not just the cleaning contamination one).
I'd go to a gp and ask for a referral.

I have a close relation with OCD and GAD, as well as neurodivergence. Id have a look into those, there's definitely cross over here in your post op

I also think it’s OCD and if to go to the GP you can he some medication to take the edge off.

this sounds awful. I really feel for you

OCD takes many forms and can occur in differing degrees from totally unable to function to functioning but stressed by it.

Please speak to your doctor or seek some private help. You can get treatment for this and life is simply too short not to.

I agree that it sounds like OCD and you might benefit from speaking to a proper clinical psychologist.

You have OCD. Get help.

@SunflowerFields4 to me, a complete layperson, what you're describing sounds like burnout. You must be totally exhausted 😔

This site may resonate, however you accomplish a reset, you really should take action now, to protect yourself. 🌸

This book really helped my OCD while I was waiting for therapy. amzn.eu/d/0iRe7bwY

I thought OCD too. You need help op

To add to previous comment, please seek help op. And support. As soon as you can. It can get better 💐

It's good you recognise this isn't right and you need to do something.
Perfectionism can be a behaviour linked to OCD, anxiety and potentially ND.
All of which you can live a perfectly good and functioning life with.
High stress jobs can also just burn you out eventually. Maybe you can bring down your stress with lifestyle choices but maybe this job is just the final load that's pushing you over.

OCD. Seek help.

You know how people say they have "OCD" because they like things tidy.
Well, i'm afraid you are displaying what OCD really is. You need some CBT, honey. Good luck x

I'm speaking from personal experience here, rather than from any theoretical knowledge of OCD, so I will probably mischaracterise what I want to say. Hopefully the distinction that I'm expressing very badly will make some kind of sense, even if the details are wrong.

I feel like distinguishing between two types of ODC -- it could be that these are simply two different degrees of severity, or it could be a more fundamental difference.

The first type is the full-on classic OCD, totally disabling, profoundly difficult for friends. relatives, even the person themselves to understand. The thoughts and rituals have no realistic basis, even to the extent that the person themselves feels their irrationality and is aware of the 'magical thinking' that underlies it.

In the second type, the OCD behaviours are a response to extreme anxiety and are kind of, sort of, vaguely, realistic, because they relate to real possible disasters and real possible strategies for preventing those disasters. Things like checking an email a million times before you press 'send', just in case you have made an error, or been accidentally rude, or accidentally put the wrong person in the address field.

This latter kind is the one I have experience of. I don't know if it is even correct to call it OCD. But regardless of that, it seems like the urgent thing is to treat the anxiety, rather than to focus primarily on the checking (etc) strategies that you do to placate the anxiety.

I have found that anti-depressants help a bit. I think that for some people
CBT might also help. And my own experience is that compulsive checking is partly a response to being so fucking abstracted all of the time because my mind is eaten up with ruminations. When you are abstracted, you don't properly notice what you are doing, so you have to check your actions more, and the checking gets more and more entrenched as a habit, a self-medication almost.

TLDR: Perhaps think about treatment for anxiety, and maybe also depressive ruminations(eg imposter syndrome, low self-esteem, etc).

CBT not always as effective if your anxiety (OCD is anxiety driven) is linked to being ASD/ADHD as it's coming from a slightly different place.

Oh OP, Just sending love your way.

Does this go back to childhood expectations? It sounds like an anxiety disorder and OCD (I'm no professional!). Please do seek help for this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
As so many pp have said you are experiencing classic OCD symptoms.

People think it's obsession with germs...it's not, it has many different subtypes.
You have an obsessive thought, in your case everything needs to be just right, this gives way to the compulsion, in your case to check...and there you go into a cycle.

There is SO much help and information out there. I suppose your first port of call could be a GP, but OCD responds best to specialist therapy. And it IS out there.
Look up the NOCD website.

You're not going crazy, this is treatable.
Good luck OP💐

Ah thank you all so much for the advice. I actually did wonder briefly about OCD but it’s weird because my brain completely shut it down and it’s as if it wouldn’t let me consider it! I think subconsciously I’m scared to change the cycle but I know that’s what I need to do. It’s just so exhausting tbh x

Something I used to do (pre computer based work) was keep a 'file log' for solicitors. This was a very simple date/ action/ initials that everyone was (meant) to fill out. I don't want to play into your ?ocd? but would it help, outside of any help you seek through GP, to keep some sort of summary document/ notebook? Where you could note 'checked document x all fine, date'. Then you could physically see you've already done it? I am very slightly anxious about my iron so I take a picture that I have unplugged it and put it away if I am going out.
Not ideal to add a task but it might serve to reassure while you get a handle on the job and settle in to it all