AIBU to resent my parents for helping my brother financially?

[Palpna]

Ive discovered that my parents gifted my brother a significant amount of money ( from our grand parents inheritence) when he bought his first home in london , 20 years later , he is now able to retire early , as house value increased.
Ive not been gifted a penny ever, even when my husband lost his job in 2008 recession , we had two children aged 2 and 1 I had to work fulltime as a result . My resentment is off the scale. We cant retire as still have debt What would you do

What can you do? Your parents have made a choice. Nothing they say will change what happened, and I doubt anything they say by way of explanation will make you feel better.

YANBU to feel how you do. But what can you do about it? It’s their money and it’s up to them

Wow. Unless there is some other back story I.e. its a half brother and the inheritance is from the bio parent side who isnt your parent, then this for me would be no contact territory

Not a lot you can do really. How did you find out ? Any idea why they would give it to him and why they would hide it ? At the time they might have been able to afford it but not in 2008 . I had similar in that my parents gave my brother a big deposit but it didn't bother me as I was glad for him . If it is really upsetting you I think you should have a talk with them to get an explanation. Maybe they have provided for you in their will instead.

How did you discover it?
All you can do is talk to them about it and ask why he was given assistance whilst you weren’t.
Perhaps they expected him to repay.

That is tough. My parents were similar and since there were lots of we siblings, it was clear they were supporting boys while expecting we girls to find a man to support us. Their rationale is the boys will always have a family to support, but girls have a choice to find a man to support us and since they couldn’t afford to support all of us, it was natural to them that they were only going to support the boys after age 16.

Yes I still feel resentful.

That’s messed up!

I totally understand the resentment. The hurt of unfairness cuts deep and unfortunately unless your parents are able to rectify this then it’s not going anywhere. Maybe you’ll get a bigger slice of the inheritance they leave to balance it.

You should talk to them.

I imagine you’re feeling really hurt as well as angry.
I don’t know if it would help you to speak to them about it or not.
It would certainly alter my view of them.

Fuck me. I would lose all respect for my parents.

Your parents sound dreadful if they could watch you and your family struggle financially when your DH lost his job and you had small children yet not lift a finger to help you when they had helped your brother to such a large extent.

As a previous poster has said, this would probably be 'no contact' territory for me as the inequality of treatment is too stark to forgive and forget. At least your brother is now in a position to provide care for your parents because his good fortune meant that he was able to retire early.

How did you find this out so many years later and have you spoken to your parents about it?

I think the thing people never think of is that sometimes people make decisions suddenly and then their resources or ability to pay are gone/ lessened/ they realise they don’t have what they thought left or they get older and old age eats up money (house deteriorating/ health going/wage gone due to retirement). I never think it’s as easy as they screwed one!

Did they ever support you another way wg pay for your educational pursuits or something like that? Maybe they had the money when he needed it and had the intention of giving you as well but then didn’t have the funds later on?
if they are still alive, you need to ask them

They should have treated you equally, obviously, but that can't be changed now.

However, whether or not you're able to retire isn't only dependent on receiving the gift, but all other spending/financial decisions you and he have made.

Household income, type of pension, spending, number of DC, etc etc. People can have the same income and similar circumstances and one can have loads of savings and feel financially comfortable and the other can be in debt and struggling and to the outsider appear to have broadly similar lifestyles but there's slight differences in financial habits that over time add up to a massive difference between income and expenditure.

What’s the age difference between you and your brother? Have your parents financial situation changed?

Exactly - they probably thought that he is the one who will help with elder care etc and not you. Dump all caring responsibilities on him - they have chosen their favourite.

Honestly it would hurt. Hugs I hope there is more to the story you don't know.

I would speak to them personally.

YANBU in being resentful but there’s not much you can do about it, it’s their money.

Have you asked them about it? Maybe your brother asked at the time. Did you ask for help when you were struggling or did you assume they would know? They may have plans to even it out on their deaths.

If you haven't discussed it with them, you don't know their reasoning. Taking any action based on your own assumptions and resentment without knowing would be a bit daft.

Do they expect the girls to come back and help them if they need care?

Yanbu to be hurt by it. Do you think he might have asked for it? I’ve noticed within families some children never feel they should ask or hint at help whilst their sibling can be entirely the opposite even if they are younger and have seen the elder one get no help.

I don’t think things always have to be equal on paper but when there’s no apparent good reason it will hurt. In my circs there isn’t now or ever will be equal financial support but those decisions came after a discussion where I told my parents they did not need to worry about me and they should go ahead and help my siblings if they could (they had expressed worry about them). I’ve received a lot of indirect financial help though such as childcare which she didn’t as no kids. DP’s helping my sister onto the property ladder near us enabled her to spend a lot of time with them when one of them deteriorated. Dsis is now mortgage free whereas we won’t be for a while but there are other differences which mean there is no resentment.

I suspect there's a huge missing of the point in the responses here. The post is intended to rile you all up about the 'I had to work full time' line.

Too subtle. Massive fail. 🎣 0/10.

I bet they also expect the daughters to play nurse maid and help when they are elderly. And the sons have no expectation to help with elderly care.

Huh?