This will be a very long one, sorry, but I’d really value outside opinions because I feel like I’m going round in circles with this.... and lots has happened.
I’ve had a difficult relationship with my in-laws for years. We are very different people and from early on I often felt criticised (comments about my weight and appearance), boundaries weren’t really respected, and there was a general sense that their wants came before anyone else’s feelings.
Things became much worse when I was pregnant with my first child while my dad was terminally ill. He sadly died 5 days after I gave birth. I was in a very difficult place as you can imagine... devastated, hormonal, sleep deprived and trying to care for a newborn.
My in-laws came to visit very soon after. Instead of support or sensitivity, the whole visit felt focused on the baby. There was little to no acknowledgement of what has happend with my dad's death, constant wanting to hold her and rolled eyes/ comments about them not living close and not being able to see her if I hesitated to pass her over, loud nursery rhymes sung full volume late in the evening, and very intense. I ended up upstairs in tears completely overwhelmed.
After that, my husband told them we needed space until after the funeral. His mum then rang and said I wouldn’t stop her seeing her grandchild, and asked if I thought I was the only person to ever lose someone. I heard it was it was basically shouted and I was sat next to him.
From there things became very strained. If we didn’t reply quickly enough there would be repeated calls and messages. On one occasion there were 16 missed calls in a day. There were also passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough. When we saw them it was tense and lots of passive aggression. Rolled eyes, sighs, comments about unfairness.
There were a few physical incidents over time too:
- barging past me while I was changing the baby
- knocking me into a car door while I was sorting the car seat
- slapping my husband on the back and swearing at him when he asked for space while our daughter was upset
-
We gradually reduced contact and met in neutral places.
Then at my daughter’s third birthday, things blew up. Tensions had been building for years and I snapped at MIL over boundaries / behaviour around my daughter. I’m not proud of losing my temper, but it came after a long time of feeling steamrolled. Plus I am not really a confrontational person so me snapping was probably quite low octane to be honest, first time I openly shared my crossness.
Since then things have never really been resolved. I blocked them and wrote a letter for my husband to send which be chose not to until he had hashed some things out with them himself which never happend... He sent a few messages explaining to them he feels hurt and as though they have offeree him/ his family unit very little support and kindness during hard years and just been focussed on my daughter and to each message they dismissed things and reassured that they were kind and loving and meant no harm etc etc etc.
We’ve since had a second baby, now nearly 7 months old, who they haven’t met. My stepdad who was terminally ill also (couldn't write it) died 3 weeks after my second baby was born. They sent a message saying sorry to hear about the death, then shortly after followed it with asking what they had done to deserve being separated from their grandchildren as my husband had said it wasn't appropriate for them to come and meet baby after almost a year no contact and another death.
They since turned up unannounced at our house which I found really unsettling. Thankfully we were out.
I have never said husband shouldn't see or talk to them, just that I don't want to at the moment and he has always said he doesn't want much of a relationship with them without me involved so I feel stuck in the middle. He also wasn't very forthcoming with them at any point until now so part of me feels like they have been a bit blindsided by the seriousness of this, but also, surely they are aware of how they were behaving?
I feel exhausted by the whole thing. I feel guilty as though I am causing conflict for no reason almost as they continue to send messages and try to talk with my husband as though nothing has happened and act hurt / send love and well wishes as though they are clueless as to what the issue us... Part of me thinks life is short and maybe I should try and meet in the middle, but another part of me feels they’ve shown very little empathy at the hardest times of my life and are mainly focused on access to the children and why should I be around them when they've been so hurtful.
AIBU to not want contact at the moment / not feel ready for them to meet the baby until anything is properly addressed?