AIBU to try and make hen do more fun despite brides wishes.

[ThatMerryMintExpert]

I am being bridesmaid to one of my friends in a couple of weeks time. It was really awkward when she asked me as I genuinely don't think we are close enough friends, I am however very close to brides sister as we were childhood friends growing up.

I asked her if she had any thoughts on a hen party and who she would like us to invite. She was then very specific about what she wanted (and didn't want) and was almost rude about the 3 bridesmaids hens as she said she explicitly didn't want anything like ours. For mine we stayed away from home for a weekend in an air b&b and went out to a club (appreciate its not to everyone's taste) but she said she wanted something more classy. The other bridesmaid said 'oh do you remember mine, we made beauty products' to which the bride said 'Oh yes, I remember putting porridge on my face'

So she has made it clear what she doesn't want, nothing too expensive, nothing tacky, no crafting type activities, no penises of any kind, no strippers, and very minimal alcohol.

She has stated she wants it to be low key, but classy. She would like us to have prosecco, but not a great deal as she doesn't want it to be about alcohol, and a pizza and to watch a film (bridesmaids being the obvious choice)

I am at a loss as to how to make this fun. No one wants to pay out any money, so we are having it at the brides mother in laws house. There are 10 people that have said they are going including the bride, 3 bridesmaids, both mother of bride and mother of groom and sister of groom.

The 3 bridesmaids including me have been messaging to see how we can make it fun or at least feel a bit special. Its starting at 4pm and at this rate will likely be finished by about 8. 4 people have mentioned that they won't be drinking as they are driving. I was going to stay in a hotel locally, but now think I might as well drive back the 2 hours and save some money. We have thought of having a popcorn type stand, sweets for the film and ordering in pizzas.

I just dont know how to make it fun without going massively away from brides wishes. I am now half thinking of feigning illness and not going. Not really an AIBU, but more of a what do you suggest wonderful people.

Maybe just leave her to organise it.
If she wants it to be simple, what about a meal in a nice affordable restaurant and a fes drinks afterwards.

Well aren't you a joy.

What on earth is wrong with simply organising what the bride actually wants? A chilled evening with a few drinks, pizza and a movie.

When it is/was your hen do you get to call the shots, but don’t impose your idea of fun on someone who has completely different likes. Not everybody wants a song and dance routine and “Mr and Mrs” video’d would be my idea of hell.

Honestly you shouldn’t be a bridesmaid. This is her one wedding and you obviously don’t really like her.

And the champagne afternoon tea, cocktails, hair do and manicure cliches. Not everyone is a walking stereotype. Maybe this is what she means by classy? Ditching tacky stereotypes?

I think she just wants a nice evening with some of her favourite people. Might help if you stop thinking of it as a ‘hen’ party and just think of it as a birthday get together or a Friday night get together. if she’s not a drinker, being around a load of drunk people will be even less fun than for most people so no judgement from me on that choice!

For a bit of a focus, maybe ask everyone to bring ingredients for their favourite mocktail or maybe a dessert / appetiser tray and just lean in on the creative drinks and side dishes a bit. Takeaway pizza doesn’t have to be the only thing there does it? Unless she’s specifically asked for pizza and only pizza.

I think it’s nice that she isn’t wanting people to dedicate their entire life and thousands of pounds to some overseas hellish weekend so everyone can fall out before the actual wedding. It’s refreshing to hear of someone being this focussed on what’s important - time with friends and family.

I do actually think you should have said no to being in the wedding party though as you don’t seem to be particularly close. But too late now. Pretending to be ill is an awful thought :(

Afternoon tea style with prosecco
and have cupcakes made for her, you could personalise the cake toppers. Ask everyone to suggest a song and make a hen playlist.
Decorate with some nice flowers and balloons. Nothing too plastic or Temu.
The movie snacks are a good idea too.
make popcorn cones and retro jellies from her youth.

It does sound more having your friends round after school than hen do and I get the urge to make it feel more ‘special’ for her but it’s her day and it will feel special to her if it’s just the way she wants it.
I think the guest book is a nice idea but if she’s not big on being the centre of attention I’d collect the messages beforehand and give her it at the end of the night.

Pizza and movie night sounds fantastic. Ask her about what salads and other snacks she wants and what sweet treats (posh brownies or maybe a sundae bar). Make some mocktails if she’s open to that. Have some kombucha on tap for anyone who doesn’t want prosecco. It sounds like a fab night! Not everyone needs to get wasted with an inflatable penis on their head to have fun.

My hen do was a BBQ at my mum’s house with sangria and we stayed up til like 10pm chatting and laughing and then we went to bed and my mum made us breakfast in the morning. No games. No strippers. Just a nice afternoon and evening with girlfriends. It was lovely. Also cost everyone absolutely nothing as my family and I paid for it all.

Sounds terrible OP. I’m with you. It’s a hen do, not a baby shower. Would you be allowed board games maybe?

If she wants to finish at eight would she mind you and whoever else wants to carrying on the night at a hotel with drinks? Saves going all that way to watch a film.

What the bride wants sounds lovely, and much better than all the tacky "fun" stuff. What's wrong with just spending a nice evening together, with food and a film?
Crucially, it's what she wants. So, OP, you either deliver that, or you step back and let someone else organise it - properly.

What’s great about the Brides suggestion too is it doesn’t force anyone to spens money they don’t have.

Not everyone likes the same things. Imagine!

It doesn't sound terrible at all.

It sounds terrible to me! Not everyone likes the same things. Imagine!

I would have no issues with Prosecco and a film and friends but the quibbling over the alcohol, people driving home early and it being wrapped up by eight seems incredibly prescriptive.

I was your friend. My best friend/maid of honour was like she. I think she took my desire for an extremely low-key hen party as a slight on her own hen party which was much more traditional. So I got what I wanted but she added a lot of other touches to it like party games etc and I really hated it. Of course, she meant well and so I pretended I was having fun and I know she thought she was being thoughtful but it really wasn’t what I wanted.

Don't make it about your 'ideals'

When I had my hen do I was against anything sexual and did not want to go out drinking.
I arranged (with support from MOH and bridesmaid) a cupcake decorating class and an evening meal out after.
MOH steamrollered bridesmaid rather (who is more like me) and included some rather tacky/sexual themed decorations
Then two of the guests decided to take it upon themselves to arrange a piss up after knowing i didn't want that, basically piggy backing the event to get a night out.

If she is saying she wants X,Y, Z give her that.The current plan sounds fine.Some people just prefer things more low key and tamed down.

Sounds like my hen, I loved just hanging out with the girls like we used to at school! It was fun just being together.

Things we did -

They contacted the groom privately and created a quiz where he had to answer questions about our relationship and I had to guess what he'd said.

One friend made a quiz about me, to see who knew me best. I actually got some of the questions about myself wrong!

We had pizza.

We played a board game - can't remember which one. Balderdash or something.

We played Truth or Dare because we used to enjoy that on sleepovers. But I think that was only fun because all of the people there were close friends.

There was no alcohol at all.

Get popcorn and good snacks and you don't need anything else.

She’s told you what she does and doesn’t want. Why would you go against her wishes just because it’s not your thing?

Hire a projector and screen to make the movie element more ‘special event’

Sounds like a perfect evening to me.

i would do a popcorn bar and dirty sodas in addition to the pizza. Both are easy and inexpensive to set up.

It sounds quite spiteful to vary her wishes though. Perhaps you should stand down as a bridesmaid because you clearly don’t like her or her preferred plan.

This is a great idea!

You could do vice versa too and pre-record the groom answering to play at the hen do.

what about having some mocktails if she does not want to focus on alcohol? Something a bit different to your standard drinks.

And for dessert, can you find somewhere that does edible icing and can print photos of the bride to put on top of cupcakes.

if she does want more of a classy approach, I'd watch Mamma Mia rather than Bridemaids.

@ThatMerryMintExpert I think her hen do sounds great. Film and food.

Then and:

• The Mr & Mrs game (with recording of groom played)
• Carry in a ‘bride to be’ cake that you’ve had specially made
• Eat cake, drink tea or prosecco and let her chat to you all about her upcoming big day.

Sounds fun and relaxed. Brief filled!

I can see it would be tricky to make it special. Does she really like the film Bridesmaids or is it just fitting? If she loves it you can get Bridesmaids pjs / nightie / mug etc. Not for everyone, just her and more as a momento than to wear there and then.

I haven't seen it but is it the sort of film you can get a "which character are you?" quiz?

Bouquet of flowers, fancy puddings.