Do you remember and cling on to slights and comments or let them go.

[Thetreesaregreeninspring]

Not a TAAT but inspired by one.

A mil makes a comment that upsets a DiL does the DiL hold on and remember or move on? If a DH makes a stupid comment should it be brought up years later? Your sister says something that stings.

My mum holds on to grudges, I know things my aunts did when my mum (who is 85) was 20. She has spoken at length how my DGM didn’t do things or did do things, my mum was obviously young and vulnerable at the time, but I don’t feel I needed to know about these incidents.
When my mum discusses and pulls apart past events none of this seems to make her happy, she is clinging on to the hurt and offence and reliving it, being offended anew. When I had a mil of my own my mum jumped to put her experiences on me and attempted to make me feel her offence and added mine to it. She now reminds me of things that happened 30 years ago that I have long since forgotten. She did the same thing with dad and her own sister.

Now if someone shows you who they are believe them. I’m not talking about abusive comments just the kind of stupid things you might say in a family situation. Don’t continue in an abusive relationship. Don’t allow yourself to be a perpetual victim. You need boundaries to be safe. Sometimes people make mistakes and emotions can run high. But, but, but in a normal family relationship, over decades with give and take you have to let some things go to be happy.

AIBU to suggest sometimes remembering and holding grudges just makes you miserable.

I usually let them go if there’s no malicious intention behind them-or if I can tell that someone is just tired and prickly. A really mean comment that’s designed to hurt, on the other hand, I would struggle to forgive.

As far as I remember no one has ever slighted me or made an arsey comment! I am 64. So presumably I don't hold onto them, dwell on them or even notice.

Let them go as soon as I hear them, pretty much. What's the point in holding on?
I might make a mental note that aunty X has capacity to be a bit catty under pressure and give them some grace, or that colleague Y can't always be trusted to act professionally, and make sure I don't get myself in the cross-hairs in future if possible, but I would definitely not dwell on the transgression itself. People generally do the best they can given the resources they have and the circumstances they're in.

I can only speak for myself as we are all different but this is how i see it.

We can only get offended if we allowe ourselfs to get offended.
Holding a grudge is like holding on to the past.
Want a furture let the past go, you cant change it.
We dont forget things but we get better at handling it.
I wont let other peoples comments or past events define my furture or upcoming events.

It is us as individual people that we make choises for not everyone else, if one wants to name call me i wont let myself get upset from it just so they feel they have won, i just say have a good day and get on with my life.

My past has some dark moments i cant change that but i can and have moved on from it, although some things will haunt me, i think well its not happing now its just a past random memory it will pass.

I dont hate people either them that have hurt me become uninportant to me.
Because hate and grudge is still a feeling and i dont need a feeling of hate or holding on to a grudge hanging on me.

I did read somewhere that holding on to resentment is like drinking poison in the hope that the person who wronged you will die. That sort of sums it up.

This is definitely a TAAT, lol.

Anyway, I don't let comments upset me long-term but equally I'm not going to just laugh things off and keep that person in my life either. Someone who repeatedly makes snide or unkind remarks isn't going to be someone I have anything to do with long-term, whether they're my MIL or not.

I’m someone who always remembers although I try not to let this impact my behaviour towards the person moving forwards. I’m not generally upset by other people’s opinions but I’m interested in what people are communicating to you when they try to put you down. Often it’s an insecurity you’ve triggered and they can’t help themselves so it often unconsciously reveals what is important to them which is useful if this is someone you can’t easily avoid in future.

It depends. A one-off I wouldn't fester over, but if it formed a pattern of behaviour I might, and take action to remove them from my life. Can't be arsed these days to deal with crap.

My goodness that is so well put and so very true!

I think it depends. General less than kind stuff, I tend to just forget as long as it doesn't form part of a pattern. But I do also have a sense of 'when someone shows you who they are, pay attention'.

For me it's more a sense of the way the things that others do affect my sense of my relationship with them. If I feel hurt and get a sense that acting that way is going to be an ongoing theme in our relationship, it will permanently change my feelings for them. It's not so much I cling on to things, it's that the things they do change how I feel about them.

So an ex who would neg me when he was in a mood or a strop. In the short term, I took it. But long term, I filled his comments away. Another ex who always put a particular friend before me and treated that friend better than me. Again, I said nothing when it started to happen, but after a while, accepted that was how it would be and it aided in my ending our relationship.

Having said that, I have a relative that actively worked against me when we were younger, who I have since made peace with. We have both seen that life is too short and moved past our issues.

I think that like everything it’s nuanced.

If someone makes a dig at me that is malicious I’ll probably confront it but I will be wary and whilst I won’t ‘hold it against them’ I will give them a wide berth and steer clear. I’ll remember they’re not someone I want to know.

If my MIL made a light-hearted dig about cleaning I’d probably laugh, tell her I’m not interested in housework (I’m not) and tell her this is how it is so she can put up with it or choose not to come over.

Nope … there are very few people whose opinions matter to me. People can give any opinion that they like, and can choose of I let it effect me. Why wouid I give someone who thinks badly of me, any sort of power over his I feel about myself ?

I had a Narc parent, and you have to learn how to let nasty comments pass you by.

This comes across as a bit holier than thou. You're likely to be a lot less perfect than you think and I'm sure if you have children they will soon get to a stage where they tell you what they think your faults are. So be kind to your mother because before you know it you'll be her.

@FruAashildIm a long way from perfect but I’ve seen what holding on to misery does to people. I make mistakes and hope people can forgive me or call me out so I can apologise. The comment about drinking poison hoping the other person dies rings so true, the person most hurt is the victim. They are hurt by the comment and then hurt themselves by holding on.
I actually see me mother regularly, and try to look after her - but it’s so hard. She is relentlessly negative and if nothing has happened recently she brings up the past. She is letting my DGM , dead for 40 years continue to make her miserable.

I used to hold onto and ruminate over comments, but I think I've got much better at letting go. I try to separate nasty comments from people whose opinions I have no need to care about (and have probably forgotten about saying it) from ones that I can be honest enough to admit probably have a criticism worth listening to at the base of them (even if the way it was delivered was harsh). I think that helps me have some equilibrium and shake off the excessive while acknowledging things I should learn from.

I remember every slight against my family, it doesn't make me miserable or anything, just means I have no interest in a relationship with these people. I will be perfectly polite if we meet any of them, but don't engineer meetings.

Your Mum’s case sounds specific and difficult to be around.

My grandmother was similar: I thought it perhaps due to childhood trauma and problems that affected her psychologically for life, and not having much help with that. Unfortunately her behaviour upset and affected others.

In the TAAT would need more info from both perspectives to vote 😆

For me personally, how much I remember a comment or change how I think and feel about someone, perhaps even how or how often I interact with them, seems to depend on whether and how much the comment hurt.

I don't care enough to hold grudges

It depends who it comes from. If the insult comes from somebody who means little to you, it’s easy to shrug it off. But if it’s someone who you want to like you, then insults can be deeply wounding. So for example, insults from your manager at work could cause great stress. As could insults from a MIL to a young DIL who was keen to impress and be accepted into the family.

Oh gosh I had a friend who would recite to me comments that had offended her, repeatedly, and quiz me about things I’d said. I can’t fathom why I put up with it, just because I’d known her so long, I guess. She used to revive her indignation quite regularly by revisiting the perceived slights. Something not quite right there, the lack of generosity seems unhealthy.

Life is too short to hold onto grudges or ruminate over slights. I adjust my contact with people if they show me who they are but there’s no one I actively dislike. It only makes you bitter and unhappy if you do.

I don’t tend to hold a grudge on what people say but I do hold grudges on how they treat me. I remember and treat them accordingly. I never forget if someone has treated me like shit.

I don’t hold onto mean comments as in bringing them up years later and going on about them.
However I do hold onto them with respect to being wary in the future of people who are repeatedly mean to/about me. It shapes my view of them and how much interaction I’m willing to have with them in the future.

I let them go, I can't hold a grudge - I forget what I'm upset about too fast! 🤣