AIBU to feel sad about not being close to my in-laws?

[ThatShyOpalPoster]

To feel sad that the relationship with my in-laws isn’t what I want it to be.

no major fault really - some stuff they have said/done I don’t agree with and likely the same back

we have very different perspectives on things but I still feel sad not to have a great mil or sil relationships. Especially as I’m from a small family.

You’re not unreasonable to feel sad about it. Is there anything you can do to try and change it?

Maybe - I thought when I had my daughter things would change but they haven’t

I'm in the same situation. If anything, things have gotten worse since I've had kids (complete lack of interest on their part, whereas they're obsessed with SIL kids). No big falling out, no one person at fault, but there's definitely distance and some awkwardness there. Not sure what to suggest. The less effort they make, the less I make, so it's a viscous circle.

My in laws were always a bit cold, no sense of humour and bought each other side by side plots in the graveyard for their 40th wedding anniversary.

I had dutifully visited them most weekends with my husband and kids for years but one time MIL got drunker than usual and openly admitted to my face, completely unbidden, that she'd never liked me.

Whilst a bit of a shock, I now no longer feel obliged to go there, feign interest in her bunions or her arthritis or eat their greasy beige food. I have my weekends back, which was more than worth getting insulted for!

I have had relationships in the past where the families made me really welcome, and I was sorrier to lose those bonds than the actual boyfriend, so like you I do feel like I am missing out on something a bit in this regard as I was an only child with a single, older dad.

Yes exactly this, especially the more effort the worse it is. It would be nice to have a kind word now and then or just some acknowledgement of sorts

I’m sorry that was so unkind, I think that’s the sad truth for a lot of people, never truly liked or accepted through no fault really, of course no one is perfect but that includes their own children too!

My Mil is now old with Parkinsons but a long time ago I arranged a birthday celebration for dh and invited his friends. She was livid she wasn’t asked, screamed at me down the phone and sent nasty emails. I apologised telling her there was no malice, just thought it was ok to have a party with his friends, and asked her to come. She refused, ranting some more and ruining the party by getting her husband (dh’s step dad) to send me nasty emails on the night which kept flashing up on my phone.

Dh is now dismayed I wasn’t close to her after that, but I’ve explained that all he had to do was man up and tell her to apologise to me and I would have accepted. I have her regularly for dinner and have helped her on many occasions but no, if you treat someone like that you can’t expect to be close to them.

I understand OP.

I come from a working class background in a city where families were close and I saw my mothers generation calling their MILs mum and spending time regularly with the parents on both sides of the family. I always assumed I would have that when the time came and, as a teenager, was always welcomed by the families of boyfriends.

I met DH at university and then we moved to London for jobs, so I only met his parents a few times before we got engaged and assumed they were distant as they barely knew me but it never improved and, as the years have passed various things have shown they never really liked me (I suspect snobbery and they thought I was not good enough).

All my DCs are adults now but, over their childhoods, ILs never took much interest in them either. They were proud of their achievements but never seemed bothered about getting to know them or spending time together.

With the benefit of age, I just view it now as their loss.

I get it OP.

My daughter said to me "DMIL and DFIL just don't make the effort with us, do they?"

It sucks. No falling out, nothing. Just not interested in us.