AIBU to distance myself from a friend whose life seems perfect

[Frienddrop]

AIBU to slowly drop my friend? She is lovely, she has done nothing wrong, but I just can’t handle how great everything is for her. Her house is perfect and beautiful, it’s always tidy and organised(no cleaner) she always looks well. She has just bought a new car and has holidays booked. I just have none of these things and it makes me feel like shit. I think I need to just step away

This woman could lose a friend for simply not being problematic enough for you. Which is bonkers.

Noone has a perfect life but some people do have less challenges and more good fortunate I guess.

That said, if you can't move on or find a way to manage your feelings of envy, it probably is better for her that you leave her be. You don't sound like someone I would want as a friend, secretly hating on me for nothing.

It’s not particularly ‘extreme’. It’s the logical conclusion of what the OP is saying. Ditch friendships with people whose lives seem better than yours. My mother has done it all her life. You can see her closing down when you have good news about anything, and turning her attention to someone less fortunate , who makes her feel good about herself and ‘needed’. It’s no way to live.

If your self-esteem is so poor that you can’t cope with a friend having a nice house and going on holiday, then you work on your poor self-esteem, you don’t dump a blameless friend because you can’t deal with uncomfortable feelings.

I think you need to ask yourself why it makes you feel bad. I read a book recommended on here- how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It made me realise that a lot of my life goals were actually other people's. Once I started living my life how I wanted to, suddenly that green eyed monster disappeared.

I think we all feel envious of something. Obviously binning anyone who has “more” than you would be madness, but I think if it’s a specific flashpoint then it might make sense to distance oneself a bit.

Eg if someone can’t have children, a super-fertile friend with multiple offspring all having a wonderful family life would be hard to spend time with. Also I know a person who trained as an actor alongside her best friend. The bf is now very well known - Hollywood and all that - whereas the woman I know called it a day and is a teacher.

There may be things about your life that she envies. Who knows.
Having said that, if you’re dissatisfied with your life, make changes.

yes, do her a favour and withdraw because she doesn' need you, your not a friend. A real friend would be pleased for her.
Work on trying to be more like her once you've let her go.
She's dodged a bullet with you.
Start being grateful also for what you do have.

'yes, do her a favour and withdraw because she doesn' need you, your not a friend. A real friend would be pleased for her'

The expectations of women in friendship are so unrealistic. We're always supposed to be 'happy' for everyone, provide endless 'support' and be a non stop cheerleader. There's no room for any feelings that are more complex or messy than that apparently. It's so twee and patronising

Clearly OP has some work to do to unravel what this friendship is bringing up for her, but honestly, adult relationships are not black and white

I think you need to work on yourself or you'll have absolutely no friends at all.

Or family either, if no-one's allowed what you perceive to be a better life than you.

The expectations of women in friendship are so unrealistic. We're always supposed to be 'happy' for everyone, provide endless 'support' and be a non stop cheerleader.

What absolute rubbish.

We just need to not be so eaten up with jealousy that we 'distance' ourselves from them.

That's no friend.

This is always a terribly deluded line to placate someone. Objectively, people who "have it all" do not envy one aspect of some random person's life. They may even say things like they wish they had more free time like so & so but realistically, they will never trade their life for yours. There may be a few extreme exceptions like someone with a serious, terminal illness wanting to be healthy (understandable) but those are rare and far in between.

There is also a lot of delusion around the fact everyone must be equal or special in their own way when the truth is that some people end up extremely blessed and lucky, whereas others lead very average and non-enviable lives. It's about being able to accept this discrepancy and not letting it ruin your own life, regardless of where you sit in the hierarchy. It's very possible that this friend has lost other friends due to her good fortune but she may not even care or has come to terms with it. OP doesn't necessarily "owe" her a friendship.

Realistically, not a lot of friendships survive drastic changes in lifestyle, social status or wealth. People can idealise friendships all they want but at the end of the day, everyone tends to find a tribe of people who they relate to most closely in their current life circumstancs.

At university, I was on the same course as a person who's father is a famous billionaire. As an 18 yr old, it was good to understand that alot of people have more money than me and their outward life may have seemed perfect as a result. People certainly wanted to be their friend initially. The converse is also true as well. There are people with alot less. Gratitude is what I came away with. No one's life is perfect and there is always something to be grateful for. Work on yourself OP.

I mean, how do you know the husband isn't nobbing the nanny or something?

There’s no delusion about it. The friend might be unhappy in her marriage, have an illness she hasn’t shared, hate her job, not like how she looks or whatever. Just because she appears to have it all, doesn’t mean she actually does.
We all have it in us to be envious of an aspect of another person’s life because none of us have perfect lives.
If the OP is unhappy with her own situation, it won’t make her situation better by dropping her friend. The only thing that will help is to change what she can. Nothing deluded about that - it’s logic.

It seems a ridiculous reason to end a friendship.
Are you envious? There's no point in that.

Oh at least I’m reassured that no friend will ever drop me for my house being clean and tidy and me looking well 🤣🤣🤣

My friend did this to me 😂 she was the one with the perfect life, I was less fortunate, we were genuinely the best of friends but she had started to surround herself with more “look at my new bag” friends and I think she got carried away with it. She dropped me, it is what it is.
I don’t hate her for it, it makes me sad I lost my good friend while I was losing everything else too.
I’ve just focused on my own life and I’m in a much better position now thankfully.
I think it would be good for OP to have a sit down and think on how she could make similar improvements in her own life (even if they’re on a smaller scale to her friend).

👏🏾👏🏾

Noooo! Not everyone feels envy! It can’t be true, because I dont feel it. Im lucky to have what I have, and good luck to those that have more, I hope they are enjoying it!
if I had a perfect friend with a tidy house and a nice dog I think I’d be inviting myself round there, to bask in the loveliness! But at the end of the day I’m comfortable in my own lane.

I have a friend with a perfect house .. a 5 bed newish house, on a small bespoke development. It’s spotlessly clean, had a massive garden, with a lovely summer house, outdoor kitchen, fire pit.. indoors is beautifully decorated. It’s perfect. I love going round, I tell her her house is like “club class” and I feel like I’m on holiday. I feel no jealousy at all.
She comes to me to my “lived in” 3 bed cottage, with a postage garden, and always in some level of chaos .. and she’s fine with that.

If you have a friend, with lovely things, take every opportunity to enjoy them.

You have a friend you describe as lovely. I think you would be mad to cut her out of your life for no reason other than you are jealous. There are a lot of horrible people in the world so genuinely lovely friends are really worth keeping around.

I think you will regret it if you distance yourself because this really isn’t about your friend at all - it’s about you and something you are feeling about your own life.

If you were thinking objectively you could acknowledge that having a tidy house and going on holiday doesn’t make someone’s life perfect. Never compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.

I’ve been there though. A few years ago I was in debt and dealing with a horrible medical problem and I was so angry with people who didn’t have these issues, including friends. How could they complain about anything or think they had problems if they didn’t have those issues? Luckily I recognised it wasn’t about them and didn’t drop my friends.

Op, you need to distance yourself from her because people like you are just not good for her .
She probably knows that you are envious of her , trust me .

It's not logic, it's a spiteful way of living and thinking. The need to dig for flaws in another person's life and match them up with dissatisfaction in your own life to feel a sense of satisfaction is not normal, but an entirely automatic way of thinking for many women. A lot of mothers talk and think like this so their daughters grow up with the same attitude without even realising it. It's the "oh she's so skinny but I bet she has an ED" or "the fanciest weddings never produce marriages that last" attitude.

It's a thin line away from actively wishing misfortune on another woman to make things "fair". Just based on the examples, you are openly entertaining the idea she might be ill, hates her work, has self esteem issues or worse. So what if she has none of those? What if she really is a blessed, happy and healthy person? There are people who are genuinely just better, healthier and richer than others. They don't necessarily have anything they would trade with others or any serious traumas in their life they couldn't overcome.

The "you also have something she's envious of" way of thinking refuses to accept the idea that there are women who might genuinely just be better on all levels. It forces the concept that to excel in one area means they must be broken or flawed somewhere else. It's small, mean and spiteful.

Totally agree with this.

I also think it’s so misguided because life is long and everyone’s life has lots of ups and downs.
A snapshot of where someone is now, where they have been for 5,10 years even is temporary, to a greater or lesser degree. People don’t always have to have all stages of life at once (ie they can’t be happy because there simply must be a secret unhappiness to balance it out)

I think you misunderstand. My point is that although someone may appear to have a perfect life, they very well may not and may look at someone else’s life or aspects of it with envy.
There’s no wishing it on someone by stating this as it’s just logic. No one knows the full picture about someone’s life - just what they choose to share with those around them.
However, if you want to call me mean and spiteful just go ahead. I hope you feel better for it x