AIBU to distance myself from a friend whose life seems perfect

[Frienddrop]

AIBU to slowly drop my friend? She is lovely, she has done nothing wrong, but I just can’t handle how great everything is for her. Her house is perfect and beautiful, it’s always tidy and organised(no cleaner) she always looks well. She has just bought a new car and has holidays booked. I just have none of these things and it makes me feel like shit. I think I need to just step away

Seems like an odd reason to end a friendship, tbh.

Could you not make small changes to improve your own situation - see her as a bit of inspiration maybe?

No, that's not fair.

What I would do, is - take yourself out for a quiet coffee or glass of wine. Write a list of everything about her life you want and are envious of. Then work out what you need to change or adapt about your own life in order to achieve the things you want for yourself.

It sounds twee, I get it. But about 7-8 years ago I was desperately envious of someone who seemed to have it all. (3 kids, lots of money and lots of holidays abroad). I did the above and worked out what exactly it was I wanted of her life. Turned out I wanted the holidays. So I set up a separate account, I removed a set portion every month form my bank account. I shopped around for deals. I paid careful attention to ways i could save from my spending that seemed just pennies and added up. Since then I have managed to achieve the holiday ambitions I through was out of reach - and it actually was not as unachievable as I thought.

Now that is a specific example- but with a cool head figure out exactly what it os of hers you want for yourself. Then work out how to get it. Even if it's one change at a time- building on changes.

I always think that envy is a really useful tool. Utilised wisely it alerts us to what we want for ourselves, The key is to ujse that in a healthy way, not as a means by which to be eaten up with jealousy over someone else.

Good luck

It's not a nice thing to do to your friend.
It's not good for you either. If you keep cutting people out of your life because you perceive them to be doing better than you you're likely to end up very lonely and bitter. You need to work on yourself and being grateful for what you have and happy for others who are doing well.

Sounds like more than a touch of the green eyed monster tbh! And you’ll end up very lonely if you cut everyone out of your life who you perceive has a better life than you! Start looking for the positives in your life or how you can make little changes to make things better.

This is such excellent advice. I don’t agree with shaming emotions, they are something every human can and does experience. I think it is much more beneficial to use them to guide us to what we actually want in life.

Yes, you should do that, it is just the way to treat a friend 🙄

You're not really her friend though.

It does sound like envy but if it is making you feel bad about yourself, then why put yourself through it.

If your life would feel better without having this envy in it then yes, distance yourself and don't feel bad about it.

It's all very good for people to adopt a high moral attitude and tell you to start looking for positives in your own life but if the positives in your life lose their shine because you can't help comparing your positives to hers-and yours come up second best-then stop doing it to yourself.

I think you need to work on your own self esteem tbh

Also she will have stuff going on behind the scenes. I’m sure many people envy me on paper……but there’s stuff no one knows about- even my closest friends

Nobody has the perfect life !

If someone were to act on this, they’d just bustle about collecting the unfortunate, unlucky, ill, poor etc to make them feel good about themselves.

I am going to go against the grain here and say, it’s ok to step back or drop a relationship if it makes you feel bad about yourself. It’s not nice being in the other side of it and it may cause the relationship to be unrepairable however you need to but your own emotional wellbeing first. Whilst it won’t necessarily solve how you feel or change your own circumstances.

PP gives good advise about looking at actually what areas of her life would you like for yourself.

It’s also worth remembering not everything’s as it seems on the surface, we only see the parts of people lives they want us to see.

Not at all. Why do you go this extreme?

They would just hang out with people who didn't make them feel the gnawing pain of envy, not those to whom they can feel superior.

If you can cope with envious feelings or have such high self esteem that you you can accommodate the feeling or don't feel it iall-that's great.

Not everyone can. If a friendship is making you have negative feelings about yourself or your life-and you can't cope with it-then it makes sense to distance yourself. Not everyone can apply the high minded advice some PPs are giving and the OP shouldn't be made to feel bad or lacking in some way if she can't.

I'd seriously ask yourself why youd shun someone happy and instead choose to surround yourself with others who are struggling.

Flip it.

What do you think people would say to a poster who said she didn't want to be friends with someone because their life didn't seem as nice as theirs so it made them feel bad?

They'd be told that's ridiculous and unpleasant.

How good do you think your life will be if you cut off everyone who seems to be doing better than you? or have more? or seem happier?

Restricting your friends to people who seem to be struggling as much as you or as unhappy as you seems like a recipe for misery.

Would you really only want to be friends with people with exactly the same amount of money as you or less? Surely it's about their personality, not the contents of their wallet?

It seems an odd reason to drop a perfectly lovely friend. The fact you think they're too rich/lucky.

Nobody's life is perfect. Everyone will suffer bereavement and ill health and disappointment at some point in their lives.

I have a friend like this. She’s lovely, clever, kind, earns well, beautiful house, healthy kids and even a lovely dog. I always feel inferior after we meet up. I try to use that feeling to shine a light on what I want to change about my life to make myself happier.

I also try really hard to acknowledge that these things don’t happen to her by magic or sheer luck. These things take work, commitment, time, energy to obtain.

I could say the same about my life which to the casual observer I could be seen as very lucky which I am, but there also been blood sweat and tears to get where I am and what I have.

Don’t distance yourself - learn from her

on the fence a bit tbh. They say that the biggest influence on your life is the people you spend time with, so you could reframe her as inspirational.

on the other hand, I think feelings like this tend to come from unhappiness, and that’s not coming from an inspirational place. It may just cause more stress and upset than it’s worth and you may feel calmer and happier without her in your life

No one's life is perfect. But emotions like jealousy teach us something. As PP have said think about what this envy is saying about what you want to change in your own life.

I feel for you OP - envy is an absolute bugger. It's very hard to shake off, and really shreds your self esteem. I've been there, it feels totally shit

As others have said, her life is not 'perfect' - perfection doesn't exist. I know that some people think I have a 'perfect' life and have it all worked out - I absolutely do not!

On the other hand, maybe your friendship has run it's course. I really struggled with envy in a friendship years ago, and the envy was only part of the reason why the friendship needed to end. So some of this may be about you, some of it may be the relationship itself

Oh I don

I think you're already being a poor friend, because you're not cheerleading her successes or celebrating her happiness. You think she is perfect? Really?

I have a disability which means that my life will never hit the ceiling of success I was capable of, and almost everyone I spend time with is better off than me materially.

Not one of those people I am close to is without doubts, struggles and insecurities. Everyone is afraid of something or anxious about something else. We're all, every single one of us, bumbling along trying to make the best of our own situation, and can't compare our lives life to theirs.

It's not a competition, you're competing with your own limitations and not the circumstances of others.

Oh I don’t know. It depends what kind of friend she is. If you are close and support one another, share your lives etc then it’s harsh. If it’s more of outdated friendship that came from circumstances and just continues - and you don’t and wouldn’t really act as a support because she has lots of other sources then gently extending the distance would probably be inconsequential.

by the way my way of dealing with envy is to just focus on cheerleading and praise and then at least I come away with a feeling that I have been a good person and that good feeling somehow rubs off on me.

sometimes it takes a saint not to be envious.

Are we now punishing people for having their shit together? Good Lord 😳.

My mom always encouraged me to have at least one person in my circle doing better/that motivates me.

I’ve been in your position OP and it’s hard.

Many posters will come on here and say that you should be endlessly happy for someone so successful, but it’s only human nature to feel envy in this situation.

can you significantly pull back rather than ending the friendship? In a similar situation, I also found it easier to do an activity, like going to the movies, rather than a big catch-up, which often only highlights the discrepancies in life circumstances.