How common is it for friends/family not to repay loans?

[rainershine22]

I posted earlier in the week asking if I as BU for saying 'no' to an old friend who asked me for £4k. Still have no idea what it was for - guess I'll never know. Glad I said 'no' and stuck to my guns.

However, it did get me thinking about how often do you think people shaft friends/family members etc..? Is it more common than we think?

We've all heard horror stories about loaning friends money - and these 'friends' never paying the lender back and thus is causes issues etc...

Why do some people think they don't need to pay friends back? Are they hoping it gets written off as a gift? Do you think 9 times out of 10, people never see their money back - or the friendship is changed forever?

Just curious.

To clarify, I have never asked anyone for money!

I have been the person that has been asked for money though!

I'm genuinely curious as to why some people behave so poorly when it comes to money/friends/family etc..?

Good question which I cant answer lol. However, you are right about the horror stories you read on here. Loaning money seems to always change the dynamic of any relationship for the worse. I dont know why but the person who has borrowed the money always seem to be most aggrieved when asked to pay it back. I would never lend anyone any money ever. You did the right thing.

Yes, indeed! They seem to feel affronted when asked for repayment - or go MIA.

The person who asked me for the £4k just went MIA (granted, that was because I said 'no' - but I do think if I had given him the money, he'd go MIA too).

You hear about it quite a bit anecdotally, so you could reasonably assume it has at least some basis to it. The true extent- who really knows.

People who ask for money from friends must be pretty desperate or unable to get it elsewhere (such as on credit, which suggests they are generally financially unreliable to the point of a low credit score). Someone in that kind of situation, with historical money issues isn't going to suddenly fix that or find the money to be able to pay back a loan if a friend is foolish enough to agree to to one.

Even worse, they don't want to get it elsewhere because that would mean paying interest or incurring financial penalties when they pay it back, clearly there is some sort of view that it "doesn't count" in the same way if a friend or family lends it because there are no sanctions, they can just go MIA if they really want.

Tbrh- I have asked family for loans in the past when I’ve been desperate and then when it came to paying back I was still in a bad situation and I would justify it by thinking that they could afford it more than me. Not my finest hour but in case you actually wanted a perspective from someone who has loaned from their family and struggled to repay it.

The only family member that lends money to family is rich. I work for them & see their financials. They use legal contracts, including repayments & market interest. I was shocked how ruthless it is as family members with these loans were/are in dire need of help & didn't qualify for standard loans. So they're profiting off family who couldn't get loans elsewhere. I wonder how they reconcile it at church every Sunday. One is their own sibling who needed the money to escape an abusive marriage.

There's also those that just beg for money & can't repay. My aunt has started calling DF, sobbing for money & realised it works. DM is livid as they don't have much to spare & haven't had a holiday in years. I don't know why DF gives in as aunt's DH just takes it & blows it all.

I tightly manage our money as I learned early on DH would give to anyone who asks as he's soft and non confrontational. Hed never chase it back. So people know not to ask as I'm the meanie who controls the purse strings.

2 years ago I loaned my sister half my savings. She needed it to help her leave her boyfriend. She's older than me, bigger house than me, less kids, designer everything, loads of cosmetic surgery and upkeep. Said she would repay me with her work bonus in a month or two.
Well she's still with her bf and and no sign of my 5k. But she's just bought a 95k car outright....
I've asked a few times and she just says I don't need it and that it would just sit in my savings. She Just bought her 11y/o a £300 handbag for school. She's right I don't need my money back yet. I feel embarrassed to keep asking as she must have it.
Think I'll have to lie and invent a reason i need it back.

When my brother was going through his divorce he was struggling finding the money to keep the house, so he asked our dad for a LOAN. Dad loaned him the money on the proviso that he’d start paying it back when he got back onto his feet. This was 20 years ago, my dad passed away 15 years ago and he’d never attempted to pay a penny.

I tackled him about paying it for my mums sake, the shitty arsehole got pissy with me and said “If I’d known that was a loan I’d never have fucking taken it’, what a piece of work. I’m still pissed off with him. Mums savings, which weren’t much have all but gone, and she’s been very careful with barely any holidays. He had 15k off them, he told my mum that he’d discussed with his second wife that they were ok if she needed to release equity in her property if she ran out of money, he’s quite unbelievable.

Mum has amended her will, she’s made sure that I’m awarded the same amount, the two grandchildren get a substantial sum then the rest is split 60-40 in my favour. My husband and myself have been there for her and live close by and help where we can. She’s currently having her bathroom renovated and we’re buying all the bathroom fittings and she’s paying the plumber for fitting.

All can say is he has to live with himself knowing the god damn truth that it was a loan. My dad was always fair and would never give something to one and not the other. I feel sorry for my mum, we don’t know why he’s denied it, he’s so selfish, hopefully Karma will catch up with him 😡

DH lent his sister $1500 and never got it back. Then he consigned a loan for his son. Son stopped making payments and DH had to pay off loan, $8000. On top of this, both his sister and son refused to speak to him after even though he only asked them once to repay the money. Nothing destroys relationships faster than loaning money.

Aunt lent sister £5-10k, years later sister bought new car, never repaid Aunt. We all were left money in Aunts will, which would have paid sisters loan to Aunt if she had paid it back. She ignored it an took the cash from will. Still enraged.
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I've asked a few times and she just says I don't need it and that it would just sit in my savings

I think this is a key point. They see money as something to be endlessly spent. Once they've run out of their own, they start looking around to see who else has money they can spend.

It doesn't occur to them if their friends and family have money saved, its usually because they've not spent it themselves on the sort of things the spender has. So in this case the car, cosmetic surgery and £300 school bag.

They also don't prioritise responsibly, so when they run out of their own money, they always need it for something essential so are effectively telling their nearest and dearest 'I've spent all my money on having fun so I want you to pay to feed my kids, pay my electricity bill or help me leave my boyfriend'.

@Hadenough32 tbh, I think if was me, I'd threaten court action for such blatant selfishness and disrespectful behaviour. May sound harsh but she's clearly not treating you like a loved family member.

I don’t know anyone to have gotten that large a loan from family but I don’t think life is as simple ever as someone choosing not to pay someone back, I’ve family members who have gotten tiny loans from us and said eg they’d have it back Tuesday, then that came and something popped up. It’s easy to say don’t get a loan unless you can pay it back but real life doesn’t always work like that. In the same way I’ve promised people presents making an excuse as to why I didn’t get it when actually I couldn’t afford it that week, but then something else stopped that. Life just sometimes does that

Sorry pressed post too soon, I will say there’s a some people are innately spenders and some people are innately savers thread and I think that, savers think everyone else are feckless with money, iIt’s more that we can’t figure out how to live within our means while saving (although I’m mw so am generally told I need to find a way to increase my means!!)

I can think of a few occasions. My aunt borrowed £2 k from my parents about 30 years ago. Never paid it back and when asked her excuse was 'you don't need it'. And the sister of a friend who borrowed £25k 2 years back and spaffed it on things and who also says 'you don't need it' to my friend.

I think PP is right- some people see money as something to be spent. If you have it they think you aren't using it so it's available to use.

I think the key to loaning money is to, in your own private mind, think of it as a gift. If it’s paid back great, if not it takes the sting out. Never “loan” more than you can afford to lose and if someone doesn’t pay it back don’t offer again!

I don’t have much money to give, but have given friends the odd £200 or so. Most have paid it back to be fair. I was thinking I’d always paid money back but actually I’ve never borrowed from friends/family!

It’s only happened to me once really (if I don’t count the odd £10 here and there)
I let a work colleagues wife order something out of my mail order catalogue- it was back when if you added a customer you got commission. She paid 1 payment and then ignored me. It also made it very awkward at work as the husband and my partner were what I thought to be good friends but I was young and non confrontational so I just let it go. Years later she was in the papers for defrauding a charity she worked for😳 and her husband also got sacked for being drunk at work so yeah… the signs were there
I also let a friend order a washing machine on my account but I was so paranoid because of what had happened I made her set up a standing order to repay me and luckily she did make all the payments

A very old and good friend rang me in tears of desperation a couple of years ago and asked for 2K. He started working again a year ago but the money has never been mentioned since, by either of us. I'm disappointed and perplexed. I can afford to write it off but would prefer it to be repaid.
The only upside is that he won't ask for another "loan" as long as this one is outstanding.

I think you are (understandably) much more likely to be told when people don’t repay. There’s nothing that remarkable about “I leant my brother £80k and he repaid me when he said he would” (which happened to me last year). Or “I gave my best friend the last £4k in my account and she paid me back £100 a month for the next 2 years and then a lump sum for the rest and took me away for a spa weekend because she got a bonus.” As happened in my mid 20s.

Those are the only two times I’ve leant thousands but it’s been a similar story with the more frequent sub £100 loans. I don’t think I’ve told people about any of them before. I’ve only had one person ever try to weasel out of paying. I’ve mentioned that to people a few times - it made for a juicier story than all the times people happily repaid because everyone loves a villain to be outraged at.

We loaned £12k to our best friends a few years ago - they’d had a sudden problem with the business they run, had other money but tied up in assets that would take a while to sell. Definitely a loan, with a repayment schedule agreed in writing.

Not a penny ever repaid, When we asked they would make promises about future repayment but they gradually disclosed more about their business and their assets and it’s clear they don’t actually have the money and were being wildly optimistic to think that they would.

Also they gradually stopped speaking to us/replying to messages, so ultimately we lost the £12k and the friends.

I lent someone I thought was a close friend £3000 . She was having issues with her partner and wanted the money for a deposit on a rental.
She immediately booked a foreign holiday and ignored my request for payment back over the months. I hadn't seen her for a few years and then I bumped into her and her daughter. She was all smiles and how nice to see you etc. I took great pleasure in telling her to get stuffed.

I have a relative who constantly owed me money and wouldn't pay it back on time. Last month I ended up hungry and all I had in the house was milk for days. I know she had money at this time and she knew I had no food because of her. I've stopped speaking to her.

I find this inexpicable too @rainershine22 People borrowing money off someone and never paying it back. It seems to be very common too, and there seems to be more people who do NOT pay it back than there is people who do.

I would never lend ANYone any money, because you know if they are asking you, that they have exhausted other options, like other people, and their bank, and are struggling to get the money. Also, why do they need it? What do they need it for? Why aren't they using a credit card or loan? (Like most other people do if they can't afford anything.) There is a reason for this. Because they are a bad risk!!! Many people don't pay it back, and I find it sickening that they don't pay money back to the person the owe it to, and then go on to spend 1000s of pounds on jollies for themselves. Utterly shameless.

I have had experience of this in the past, people asking for money, I have lent money out twice, and not got it back both times... I now always say no. DH and I came into some money a couple of years ago (low-mid 5 figures,) and DH being DH opened his fucking gob and told people at work. THREE different people held a begging bowl out, as they were 'struggling' to find the money for car repairs, and a vet bill, and a council tax debt. Apparently, the person with the council tax debt said they were going to be dragged to court if they didn't pay off £675 within 7 days..

DH came home with these sob stories, and said 'we have all this money now - nearly £40K, surely we can swing them a few quid? £675 for one person, £1200 for the next one (car repairs,) and £1500 for the third one (vet bill.) I laughed and said they can get to fuck. I said 'what would they have done if you didn't tell them about the money we have just acquired?' He just shrugged his shoulders.

I said 'no way is the money that we need for our later years/retirement going to pay off someone else's debts and bills.' We struggled for many years (maybe 17-18 years) and were on the bones of our arse at times, and not a single SOUL helped us. So they can all fuck off. I don't even know these 3 people FFS, why would I give them my money?! (And it would be giving, because they very likely won't give it back.) I will only ever help our 2 DC if they need it, (and they have never asked!)

I couldn’t tell you as I would never in a million years loan money to friends or family.

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I leant my partner a lot of money. Never got a penny back. That taught me to not to lend more than I could afford to lose. I have borrowed money from my parents a few times and always paid it back.

I think some people have a lax approach to other peoples' money in many situations.

I've recently organised a trip out for some friends. It was my idea and so I bought the tickets so we could all sit together. It was agreed in advance that I would do this and then send my bank details for repayment.

2 people out of the 7 have paid me back. Okay, sure it's 'only' £25 a ticket but I am now sitting waiting for the £125 I'm still owed from the others. And as it's the end of the month I could really do with it as I am a bit paycheck to paycheck right now as DHs employer went bust just after Christmas. I've sent 2 reminders already.

Just why?