AIBU to worry about my elderly dad’s new friend and influence?

[SparkleDreamFairy]

Hi everyone, not exactly sure which group this goes in but…

i am worried about my dad, he is elderly and vulnerable. He has massive mental health issues ( long term on going) and has recently been diagnosed with early dementia

dad lives by himself and is still classed as having capacity so is in charge of his own actions etc although we do have LPA with lawyers which may come in to effect in the future

the problem is this, he has made a friend of a similar age, the friend is the only person my dad sees other than me and he is at my dads flat most days.
this friend has told me dad that he is super rich, linked to MI5 and all sorts of over the top claims.

he has also promised my dad money and property and that he will buy my dads flat off him and give dad a bigger better home as well!

i have done some research after the promises came to nothing and believe he is not what he claims to be. I have checked with the police to see if he has any record of scamming and thankfully he doesn’t but there is always a first time

I actually don’t think he is planning on scamming my dad as they have been friends for months and nothing has happened, i think he is possibly delusional and believes all the stories himself

my worry is that my dad believes this guy like gospel and won’t hear a word said again him. Dad buys them alcohol and the friend gets so drunk they need an ambulance, this happens weekly!!

non of the authorities seem particularly interested, we have got to the stage now where my dad is refusing to do stuff as the friend has already made a plan to do it but it’s hasn’t happened for months, this includes fixing plumbing that’s faulty and getting care for my dads dog who desperately needs a haircut

if you’re still reading this thank you- i guess i am looking for any suggestions of what I can do, how can i prove this friend is lying, are there any freedom of information acts that might help?

police confirmed the friend doesn’t own all the property he says he does but he excuses this away buy saying his business is so top secret the police and tax can’t see it, and yes my dad believes him!

i have a bad feeling about all this and want to protect my dad, I feel this guy is talking advantage and controlling

thank you for reading

That does sound very worrying OP but I'm not sure what you can do except keep a very close eye on things. Try not to raise your suspicions with your dad as he will likely stop telling you things if he feels you're disapproving of his friend. That would leave him even more vulnerable. I would make a concerted effort to spend time at dad's when friend is there - it's a way to let friend know that you're aware of the things he is saying. Is your dad also drinking excessively? Is he on medication that means he shouldn't drink?

I would monitor your dad carefully for signs of cognitive decline and reaching the point that he lacks capacity for decision making. Then I would speak to his GP/consultant about how you can best support him.

My sister in law is experiencing something similar. Her mum is lonely and vulnerable but with full capacity. She has fallen for a guy hook, line and sinker, but it’s a complete scam. She’s never met him and he has a very strong accent different to where he says he is from etc. She’s handed over £40k to him in the last few years. There’s nothing they can do, they’ve tried everything to stop it.

Have you got Lasting Power of Attorney set up? If your Dad has been diagnosed with dementia you need to do this as soon as possible.

Sorry I see you have this already in place. You can implement it now with your Dad’s consent.

Have you met this person? Have you been able to check him out face to face?

Is the excessive drinking a normal thing for your dad?

its very stressful. If your dad has capacity (does he?) then he has the right to make poor decisions. How much visibility do you have of his accounts / finances?

Good that LPA is in place.
Raise a safeguarding with the local authority - they have to look into it. You then have a paper trail and if anyone dismisses your concerns you can’t be accused of not raising concerns. The friend has their own mental health problems and alcohol problems by the sound of it.
Rehome the dog if your dad is neglecting it. If haircut is overdue it will be uncomfortable, matted, and too hot in this weather. Not fair on the dog at all.

Thank you all for the replies and support

i can’t rehome the dog as it doesn’t belong to me, i have asked dad to give his friend a deadline for the “imaginary groomer” to come, if that’s not done then i can hopefully step in, i will start contacting groomers and see if i can get something provisionally booked, tricky though as if dad doesn’t want the dog groomed there’s not much i can do, i will take baby steps and hopefully gain his trust on this

adult safeguarding locally will want to tell dad it was me that raised a concern, that will drive a wedge between us. I have spoken to police and they have logs of my concerns, just don’t know what to do next

dad isn’t going to give up capacity as he doesn’t agree with my view of the friend.

i have met the friend a few times and he makes all the promises and says how rich and amazing he is to me as well, i think he actually believes it himself

as for the drinking, it’s a fairly new thing for my dad and he says he only has one glass, the friend drinks the rest which is why he gets so unwell

just wish there was some way of getting someone official to speak to my dad and show him what this guy really is but I don’t think that’s possible due to the friends rights

feel like we go round in circles

I know this doesn’t solve the underlying problem, which sounds really tricky. But, for the dog I’d be temp to book an at-home dog groomer to just come round at a time when it’s only your dad there.

Dad won’t know whether it’s your groomer or the friend’s and by the time “the misunderstanding” is all sorted out the dog will at least be groomed…..

Ref the Capacity issue, your dad does not need to 'give it up' - you can still step in with the LPA and help him with his financial affairs, with his consent. You don't need to do everything. Although it seems as though he may not want you to do that ...

Has he notified his bank and the DVLA of the dementia diagnosis? He is supposed to do that.

My friend had a similar issue with her brother who has early dementia. She actually told the friend in no uncertain terms that she didn’t like him, knew her brother was giving him money, and that she had power of attorney and was watching him. Her brother didnt like it and defended the other guy, but it did the trick as the visits from the other guy got less and less frequent and now he only visits occasionally. My friend thinks it is because he knows someone is keeping an eye on her brother’s finances and therefore is limited in what he can get out of the situation.

edited to say, you can’t control what bullshit your dad believe but you can let them know you’re sceptical and keeping an eye on things

Ok so … would it be awful if i asked on a local forum for this guys family to get in contact ? I believe he has distant family which would be next of kin, if he is known for making stuff up than maybe they would speak to my dad so he hears the truth from somone who knows…

yes im clutching at straws but I can’t get this situation out of my mind 🥺😵‍💫