To think many divorces are actually caused by unchecked resentment, not affairs?

[ResentmentKills]

People don’t cheat out of nowhere, they disconnect long before.

OK.

It doesn't really matter why they cheated. If they're feeling resentful, they should be an adult and talk to their partner about it. And then either work on their relationship, or leave.

I also don't think all cases of cheating are because of resentment. Some people will cheat no matter what is happening in their relationship.

Not all divorces end because of cheating to start with

Well my husband was a self centred dick.
This made me resentful.
I told him.
He didn't give a hoot.
I kicked him out.
No one cheated but yes our marital breakdown was caused by resentment (like many others) and I don't think it was unchecked. I was very very clear about it.
You can't pour from an empty cup.

What exactly is the point of your post? To smugly declare that you understand relationships better than the rest of us?

I would imagine resentment plays a part in almost all divorces whether or not there has been infidelity. There may be people who never talk about anything that is making them unhappy in their relationship and just suddenly want to end it, but I think they are rare. Most failing marriages go through conversations about unhappiness, agreeing how to change and compromise, those things agreements failing and Repeat. And with each repeat the resentment increases.

You’re right. There’s almost always a slow burn of resentment growing or a disintegration of trust.

That doesn’t make cheating acceptable though.

The problem is marriage is such a millstone around the neck that people become so enmeshed and are massively disincentivized to leave when a relationship has run its course. So many people wait for a catalyst.

Lots of people do cheat out of nowhere. My Dad was perfectly happy with my Mum, he just also wanted to shag lots of other people as well.

I strongly doubt he's the only one.

You’re incorrect. Whilst cheating (which I didn’t know about) my now ex proposed to me, bought a house with me and had 2 children with me. He cheated because he is a terrible person.

The older I get the more I realise there's two sides of every story and that marriage is quite frankly, odd. YANBU at all

I grew up in a divorced household - I'm 40 now and I still need therapy to get over it. Was like a toxic war zone between parents

Just wish adults would divorce amicably for the sake of any children involved. 💐

Yep. Marriage an example of using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Majority of marriages will end over unchecked resentment, whether it's about share of chores, childcare, finances etc.

But affairs don't need resentment, it just needs one person to not care about the other in the relationship. If it was resentment alone then why do we hear of cheating on stag nights or with bridesmaids on the actual wedding day?

My husband cheated. Several times it turned out. He never expressed any unhappiness or resentment.
It seems he’s just a cheating type of a person- wants his cake and to eat it.
Some people, given the opportunity, will just cheat. It’s the person they are.

I asked my relative whose senior partner divorce solicitor once and she said “other relationships” so in their experience it’s affairs.

Sometimes they do more than one divorce for someone. Think I’d give up on marriage after that.

There are as many reasons for divorce as there are people. In my experience affairs can be a final symptom, rather than the root cause, in some divorces.

Looking around friends, acquaintances, colleagues. I’d list

married too young and grew apart

married because of unplanned pregnancy, it never worked well

both spouses bi and not at ease with it so lurched into an opposite-sex marriage

couldn’t cope with one spouse’s serious illness

shouldn’t have had children, one spouse hated family life

external (bankruptcy etc) stressors killed marriage

Unsuccessful IVF, many rounds, and then one spouse wanted to adopt and one didn’t

Some of these also involved affairs, but not all. In the situation where one spouse just hated family life and should never have gone along with having children, he moved to a rental nearby and lived alone for several years before entering a new relationship. I’m only in touch with the man in the bi couple, but he’s never explored relationships with men (repressive puritanical background), and is now remarried to a woman. I think it will go exactly the same way as his first marriage.