To dob on 12 year old or not

[Anxiousandill]

First time posting so hopefully I get this right! Just this morning I have seen some text messages that show a 12 year old I’m very close to ( but not a parent), is vaping and smoking weed. This has completely thrown me. 12 year old confides in me about other issues and I don’t want to ruin our relationship.

Now usually I would just let the parents know, but I have seen the messages when looking at 12 year olds phone. I know I shouldn’t have but one of the child’s friends mentioned he had spoken of suicide and something has clearly been very off lately. 12 year old did get a phone under the provision that it could be checked.

If I tell the parents straight out, I will lose my relationship with 12 year old. But at the same time I feel this is too young for experimenting and child is very vulnerable. I was hoping to forward the messages anonymously or from child’s phone? Or should I mind my own business? Am I right in thinking this is incredibly young and so scary, or is this normal?

‘You haven’t heard this from me but do a routine check of johnnies texts tonight’

and ‘dob in’ love it, I haven’t heard that phrase since the 70s.

Agree- just tell parent to check the phone

It is not normal for a 12 year old to be vaping and smoking weed.

Safeguarding our children means sometimes having to do things that they will momentarily hate us for. Who is this child to you?

Could you say to the parents that you are worried, because child does not seem to be their normal self? Ask if there’s anything that has been worrying the parent and have they checked the phone recently because there might be some clues.

I wouldn’t tell the parents directly for many reasons, but I would make sure that they knew I was concerned and try and steer them to phone.

Good luck, and this family are lucky to have you.

I didn’t think it was normal, but I was definitely a nerdier teenager. Ok I think I will prompt the parents to have a closer look. I know this will really shock the parents and was selfishly hoping to maintain my relationship with child and parents

You’re doing the right thing

You have to tell the parents.

ETA: if I knew a friend of mine knew that about my kid and didn’t tell me so I could intervene…. Well the friendship would be over.

Yes not telling isn’t really an option, I was more thinking about whether I directly involve myself or somehow forward the messages anonymously. I have only just found the messages a few hours ago, I know I will need to act soon but was just feeling so overwhelmed.

It's also possible he's painting himself as more worldly and experienced than he actually is in the texts. So I wouldn't go in all guns blazing.

Unfortunately the texts are him organising to buy weed and asking where they can go to smoke it. It’s not like a bragging text, it’s a plan that references past plans.

You tell the parents to check the phone. I am honestly surprised that this didn’t occur to you.

Of course it occurred to me, but as that has meant the parents have said to the child “Anxiousandill is worried and thinks we need to check your phone” then it had the exact consequences I was trying to avoid. Parents haven’t checked the phone anyway and 12 year old is now definitely not going to trust me in the future with unrelated issues. Had to be done but feels like a loss all round.

But how would he necessarily know that it came from you? It’s a bit shit if the parents told him that.

Aah, sorry, you did say that the parents told him. It was really crappy of them to do that. One day the boy will know that it’s because you cared. I feel for you in the meantime though 😢

Why would they need to mention that you’d spoken to them? They’re his parents. They can check his phone as they wish for no reason at all. They don’t need to bring you into this.

Your other option is to have a conversation with the child first. “You know I really care about you….I’m worried about what I’ve seen on your phone and we need to talk to your parents about it to try and help you…I know you don’t want me to tell them but sometimes I can’t keep secrets if they’re hurting you”Might be better than doing it behind his back?

It’s hard to explain, I feel maybe parents are a bit frightened of him? It’s not that he’s aggressive, but lashes out verbally and neither parent wants to be the bad guy (parents are divorced, some competition there). Which sounds ridiculous but I guess deep down I didn’t want to risk being cut off by him for showing concern, so I can’t really judge them. It seems they have never checked his found, so was misguided of me to suggest it as an option.

You need to directly tell the parents what you saw now. The relationship has already been severed. Tell the school too, as tbh it sounds like the parents aren’t actually parenting here.

Hes 12 the parents should be checking the phone at least once a week as a condition of a child having it. So its a massive mistake they arent. This wouldnt be happening if they were doing what they should. They did to but family link on the phones and be able to see his apps and texts.

I would contact his school and raise it as a safeguarding concern. The safeguarding lead will know how to proceed and you will know you’ve done the best for him. The 12 yo is vulnerable even if he doesn’t present that way.

Yes, he is definitely vulnerable and is hanging out with older teens. I will just have to lay my cards out on the table, the proof is on his phone so I’m sure it’s long gone by now. Hopefully the school will be able to help. He does have a psychologist but I don’t think they would be allowed to speak to me. He has been let down, but I think it comes from fear of losing him completely ( will use suicide if mum attempts consequences), which is why he does receive so much support. It’s just a shame we didn’t realise he has other drug related issues but I didn’t even know it was a thing at that age.

This made me think about possible county lines- vulnerable, hanging out with older teens and drugs. I think parents and school should be told and they should try to navigate things in a way that doesn’t reveal it was you that told them. I hope things work out ok. Best wishes.

I’d be more worried about the suicide threat than the vaping!
You have to talk to his parents and ask them to be discreet about your involvement.

Though you seem to be a 'trusted person' (which is good), be aware that this will probably change a lot in the next 4-5 years, as his world expands and includes you less. In the immediate future, I think you have to let his parents know (perhaps the one you're closest to, seeing as they're not together). Please don't try any underhand subterfuge re: forwarding and so on. Just tell them to check his phone. Hope it all works out, the kid sounds kind of on the edge of vulnerability/making wrong decisions.

Thanks everyone for your words of advice. I have contacted the Dad and am feeling much better with his response. He has immediately contacted the psychologist, the mum and will contact school on Monday. I wish I would have just been upfront in the first place! Dad is furious with me but I still just feel relieved.

Yes, the suicidal thoughts are very concerning, the only positive in that case is that there is weekly psychology, guidance officer at school and everyone is aware.