AIBU to feel sidelined by my parents' focus on the baby?

[Dressingdowninagown]

I live about half an hour from my parents, all of us drive. I last saw them 2 months ago, and possibly no more than 4 times since Christmas. I am quite far along in my pregnancy and every time we talk they mention what things will be like with baby, and how they’ll come round to help with this or that, or how they cant wait to meet baby, and that they expect to come to the hospital.

I don’t know if it’s hormones, but I’m feeling sidelined by a baby that isn’t even here yet.

They make no time or effort to see me, but are already planning on seeing baby lots. My mum has bought a car seat so she can take baby out…I haven’t even bought a car seat yet- and cant imagine being parted from my baby at this stage

First grandchild? They're bound to be excited. It'll settle down.

Congratulations

Third, but my first.

The others are my brothers, so I think my mum was jealous of how much his wife’s mum was around in the early days- so now it’s her turn.

Are you normally close to her? I know you don’t see her often but do you normally speak regularly and share things?
She sounds excited which is lovely and on the surface I would say it’s your hormones, but I don’t know what your normal relationship with her is like.

Yes, YABU. It’s natural for them to be excited. It's obviously the most important thing going on in your life at the moment so they probably think they’re being supportive, and it gives them something to talk about to you. If you don’t like it, can’t you just say to them "Mum, Dad, I know you’re excited about the baby and you mean well, but please can we stop talking about it for now! Let me tell you what happened to me last week…" etc.

But if they are taking too much for granted, when they start talking about having the baby to stay etc. just say "Well, DP (assuming there is one) and I will talk about that when the time comes."

We used to see each other more, probably every two or three weeks. I guess I miss that, and when I suggest stuff now they are busy. But it’s the carrot I guess that they’ll be around more when baby gets here.

OP, I well remember the feeling that you are the dull package in which the exciting baby is wrapped! I’m surprised that your DM doesn’t visit you more often: I was very pleased to see my pregnant daughter when she was on maternity leave. I think perhaps you need to make it clear that this is your baby, and that while you will be delighted to see them, it is on your terms. I’m astonished that she actually thinks she will be taking out a very young baby without you - perhaps she thinks if she has the car seat, she can drive all of you? It is an exciting time for DMs when their DD has a baby - but you, as the DD, are free to stipulate any conditions you see fit, and it’s up to your DM to abide by them.

My in-laws talk about nothing but the grandchildren. We have a son age 5, and a lot of of it is about him as well, but they have no lines of conversation other than what the various six grandchildren are doing. I’ll get chapter & verse about exactly who had what pancake for breakfast, with what spoon, but if I ask a normal question about any other topic this just gets ignored and we returned immediately back to the minutiae of exactly what each of the grandchild has been doing every minute of the day.

They’re just really enthusiastic and it’s fine.

however After five years I am thoroughly bored of it. I just smell sweetly and take myself into the Next room.
Ido think myself lucky. They love the kids.

It’s up to you how much you allow and what you feel comfortable with, everyone is different. I loved having them around loads (parents) whereas my sister hated it. I’d be grateful they’re enthusiastic. See how you feel when you’ve had the baby.

I’d love having them around. I am just hurt that it seems to only come with a baby and not with me

I’d probably say something jokey-‘blimey mum, I hardly get to see you now, but the way you’re talking, I’ll see you every day when the bay is here. Am I really boring or something, but babies are great?!’

Maybe a bit of gentle ribbing will make her think how this is coming across?

My parents are wonderful parents and I adore them. I once timed how long it was before they acknowledged that I was actually with the baby that had arrived in their house, it was 13 minutes and then it was just a quick hello. It calms down eventually, mine are 24 and 20 now and although they do see my DC, its far less often, so its back to then ignoring me when we arrive. TBH I love how much they love my DC.

So what changed so that you no longer see them as frequently as you used to?

Sending unMumsnetty hugs. 💐

In my experience lots of parents go slightly bonkers when grandchildren are on the horizon.

I do remember feeling pretty upset by my parents’ focus on grandchildren, not for my own kids but for my sibling’s first baby. After that baby was born my parents genuinely didn’t talk to me about anything else for a year. Every conversation, all about the baby.

It doesn’t really feel reasonable to complain about it but it is upsetting.

It wears off, they’ll calm down. Tell your DH or DP how you feel, make sure someone is focused on you.

Meh, you may be right. It ain't about you anymore, but be grateful that you have them to support you during what could be a very exhausting time for you. Congratulations and enjoy the ride. Yes, you may have to put gentle boundaries in place, but they just want to make it as easy as possible for you.

Was about to ask the same thing.

If they don’t usually make much of an effort I wouldn’t get your hopes up OP sadly people were like this when I was pregnant but the novelty quickly wore off and they didn’t bother with him in the end

I can’t really play golf or tennis at the moment, so it would be a change in what we do together.

The presumption involved in buying a car seat would annoy me. Why are they assuming you'll be allowing them to take your baby anywhere?! Don't let them railroad you into anything. Now is the time to be clear about what you're happy with and what you aren't. I didn't want any visitors at the hospital so that was that. Speak up and let them know you're a bit hurt and finding their behaviour a bit much.

I think YABU to feel sidelined as it’s your baby and that’s why they are so excited. I think it’s normal and good for grandparents to feel excited about a new grand baby!

I would be careful to think about what you are actually comfortable with and how much you will want your parents around and set some reasonable expectations early on. Some grandparents lose their heads and they may be at risk of massively overstepping and not respecting your boundaries/privacy once baby is born.

So was it that the golf/tennis was the attraction and you just joined in? Or was there a better connection than that?

I thought there was more of a connection. But when I stopped being able to play tennis and then get round 18 holes of golf then they stopped seeing me.

‘Mum, don’t you want to know how I am? I’m feeling like I’m just an incubator right now’

Yeah that's taking the piss. My DD said she felt as though she was an incubator for her MILs grandchild rather that a person in her own right. She just refused to visit and her husband told his mother why