Inheritance to grandchildren bypassing children

[mucky123]

I just wondered if someone could shed some light on why I feel the way I do. It is absolutely none of my business. I freely admit any thoughts about it are unreasonable. If anyone should have anything to say its my bil/sil.

My dh and I are quite comfortable, not interested in an inheritance. We have 3 dc. My Bil not so comfortable but alright. Think they might have a tougher retirement than we do. They have 2 kids.

My ILs. Have some money not loads but are comfortable and very likely to leave readonable inheritance. They intend to leave everything between 5 grandkids. So my kids will get more of the pot than bils. I'm really irritated by this on every front (1) haven't discussed it with their sons, feels like a kick in the teeth for them, (2) gc will be inheriting fairly young. Will this discourage them ftom working, will they piss it up the wall or lose half on an unsuitable marriage, (3) it's like the parents aren't trusted to send the money on to their kids, and (4) it's unfair between brothers as our kids get a bigger slice of pot. That seems unkind to lovely bils family.
Partly also I'd like to be the one to give my kids a house deposit, pay for their wedding etc and this has all gone as they will now have a reasonable inheritance quite early.
I know I'm being unreasonable,

A big yes to that. It's a major factor that often crops up in meetings I have with clients about inheritance tax planning. I've also been involved in several legal claims with disputed wills/inheritances where a "new" spouse has effectively taken huge sums that the deceased had intended to go to his/her children but ended up passing to the surviving "new" spouse due to either not making a new will upon the remarriage, or the new will being badly drafted leaving loopholes.

Also cases where an ageing parent had died unexpectedly uring a matrimonial breakdown of their adult child, meaning some of their estate effectively passes to the ex-spouse via divorce settlements etc. Incorporating direct bequests to grandchildren in a will avoids all that. Most elderly people "expect" their savings/house etc to go first to their children and then ultimately to their grandchildren, so to minimise risks of that not happening, it makes sense to make direct provision for grandchildren, particularly where the children are established in life and don't "need" the money.

A lot really depends on the age of the children and the age of the grandchildren. Direct bequests obviously aren't easily possible before grandchildren are born (although you can set up a trust to include "potential" grandchildren!), and probably not appropriate when grandchildren are minors (as the children themselves probably still need "help" if they've still got a mortgage, still struggling working alongside child care etc), but as the grandchildren become adults, usually around the same time their parents become more self sufficient, it does make more sense for the grandparents to "help" the grandchildren start out in adult life rather than the parents who are then middle aged and more financial secure themselves.

I would be okay with this on my side of the family as me and my brother both have two children and they are all in their 20s and my parents might be around another 10-20 years. For us the inheritance would be nice to have but not necessary as we'll already be retired, paid off mortgage and have pensions etc...

I'd much prefer they give more of their money away now to the grandchildren.

My inlaws it's a bit different as there are siblings with no children and a sibling with more children but young children and MIL might be around another 10 years at most.

In your circumstances OP I can see why you would prefer it to go to your DH and BIL evenly and then let you filter it to your dc when the time is right. But I said YABU because you said you are and ultimately it is up to your inlaws to do what they want.

I think this is really unfair and that the inheritance should be split equally between children. In my family's case, I am unable to have children – this means, if my parents did this any inheritance would go entirely to my siblings' families and bypass me. Also, I'm not sure of ages - but what if there is another grandchild after your inlaws pass away? Obviously it's their money and they can do what they want with it, but I don't think you're being unreasonable to think this is unfair.

My parents did something similar and put around £1 million in a trust for their 3 grandchildren (the vast majority of their money). I was also really concerned that they'd done this when the grandchildren were really small and no one had any idea what kind of people they'd turn out to be.

1 of my 2 is has autism and I was really worried about the implications for her. The thing that got me the most about this, wasn't the generational by passing but the total failure to discuss any of this with me in advance.

Fortunately it has worked out as well as it could have. The money was actually released in advance of my parents' death, and all 3 grandkids bought a house with their share. My DD with autism is, despite predictions when she was little, doing well and has a job and can live independently. Apart from their houses both my 2 splurged a bit on something they couldn't otherwise have afforded. One bought a car and the other did some international travel.

However it could all have gone tits up instead and been spent on, for example cocaine. My mother drove all of this as a way to control me and my sister and bang home how she could do more for my kids than I could . She expected a reaction but I refused to give her the satisfaction and wouldn't rise to the bait. She revelled in telling everyone who'd listen what she'd done, so as to portray the perfect granny image.

Ironically all 3 grandchildren deeply disliked her, although they are very grateful.

My grandfather left all his money to me and my brother in trust, having given my parents money towards the deposit on a house. My parents didn’t live in poverty, but had to watch every penny - holidays were in a caravan in the uk, etc. In my day, we all had student grants, and my parents’ contribution was £40 a term, because they weren’t well off, so university costs were irrelevant.

My father resented it all our lives, until when my brother and I were in our 20s, we broke the trust and split it equally three ways. My brother and I both had enough for a deposit on a flat/terrace house.

I would never leave money to DGC directly, bypassing DC, having lived with the poison, it can create!

Yes.
I knew somebody like this.
Treated her own kids like dirt.
The kids did do financially OK for themselves so didn't need her money, anyway.

Decides to leave it all to the grandkids (who only viewed her as sweet granny) who also didn't need the money as they were high flyers too.
So the argument that it would 'set them up' was bullshit.
Some of them were wealthier than their parents!

It's sometimes done as a big f- you to the children who can't complain as they'll be seen as grabby and entitled- as evidenced by all the 'people can do what they want with their money!' responses here which, while factually are correct and right, utterly miss the point.

I have pondered a bit more and I think my concerns (other than a general dislike that bil has been left out again) really focus around 1 of my dc (nd) that will spunk it up the wall. This dc is only 18, is a carer, spends most of the tiny amount she earns on tattoos and was talking about getting married recently to boyfriend of 9 months. I love her to bits, she is bright, funny, vibrant and lives life 100% but ultimately lives in the moment. I am very protective of her but cannot influence her decisions much. I worry there might be gc from this dc earlier than i'd hope. I am pleased for my other 2dc who are both sensible and tend to take advice (although one is still very young). I think this could have a negative impact on the nd dc.

Ok, this is more coherent.

The first point I'd make is that PILs probably aren't both at death's door. Odds are this DC will be a fair bit older than 18 by the time she inherits, but DH could always raise the issue of some kind of trust with them. I know you say he doesn't care but is there no possibility he'd take your concerns on board?

I understand the worry about spunking it away at any age, but it sounds like you'd be in a position to assist financially even if she does? It would obviously be extremely annoying and frustrating if she fritters whatever it is, but it's not as bad as it would be if this were going to be her only chance of a house deposit. You could still carry on with financial support for DC in the same way you were always going to.

I’m going to inherit, likely in the next twelve months, solely.
my brother, for various reasons, does not want any inheritance due to him.
my mum only really has her house in Spain to leave so will likely be £300k less taxes.
But she has expressed her wish that it be used to the benefit of her 3 GC (2 mine and 1 from ‘D’B.
she can’t pass it directly to DGC due to paying higher taxes if she skips a generation.
DB and I have agreed to splitting it two fifths to him (representing him and his D) and three fifths to me.
im going to give my two DDs my ‘share’ and its up to him what he does with his.
We all agree on the children getting it because it’ll have the biggest impact on our DC lives.
Of course I’d love to have a bit of mad money, but for my children who are both in their twenties, it will literally be life changing.
Nothing wrong with that.
it doesn’t equate to how much or little our mum loves us.
its the best use of that money.
no more no less.

Another thread from a DIL complaining about what their PIL do with their money.

It is nobody’s business what they do with it. Particularly not a DIL - if you and your husband split up before the parents die, you won’t get any money anyway.

They may change their minds and leave it all to charity. Quite honestly I would be tempted to do that if people were complaining about it.

I inherited when my parents both died over 20years ago, not a huge amount but enough to put down a 30% deposit on a family house in the south east which was great as didn’t own our own home at the time, my Mum was only in her mid 60’s and it was very sudden so quite a shock. 20 years later we are much more comfortable and no longer have a mortgage on our current home. My in-laws are in their 90’s and won’t spend a penny on anything aside from bills and food, no gifts, no treats, not as much as a 60th birthday card for my husband. My husband is not in good health, but hopefully he’ll survive both of them, but any inheritance will be gratefully accepted and passed on to our children who despite working very hard, both rent as they can’t afford to buy anywhere where they live and work, not surprising when they are paying £1800 and £2,300 in rent every month, on properties that are owned outright by their landlords mortgage free. As much as I’d like a bit more money in my bank account, especially when I think about my future and my reduction in income if my husband dies before he’s 70, they need it more than me. I just wish the grandparents had helped them years ago, they could have reduced their savings slightly and given them enough for a 10% deposit on a place, sitting on hundreds of thousands in savings in your late 80’s or 90’s seems a waste, it could all end up being spent on care.

You're all counting chickens before they've hatched. Get old age care costs country in first, then book long haul holidays.

My grandmother left at least half split between her children (legally required in our country) and then a pot to be split amongst the grandchildren but instead of splitting equally between grandchildren it was split equally between children to then split between their children (makes sense if she wrote her will before all grandchildren were born or if there was a chance of more being born) but my parents felt it was a little unfair as they have 5 children while mum's brothers and sisters had smaller families. One of my uncles later on insisted on giving some money to even things out a bit. But in my mind none of us grandchildren had any right to inherit so I was just thankful to get something (was just a couple of thousand I think)

I think as this thread shows, it’s highly personal and down to unique circumstances.

My husband (and I) were so so lucky to be the grandchild in this situation. It was life-changing for us, the money would have made almost no difference to his parents but enabled us to buy a house at 23, setting us up for life. His parents will do the same as their parents and leave to our DC, which is what we want too. PIL did a wonderful job raising him and setting him up for life, including by requesting this inheritance arrangement from their parents (skipping a generation)

DH’s sibling, despite also benefiting in exactly the same way we did and having comparable financial situation now, has asked his parents to leave to him and not his DC. So he will benefit twice from inheritance and his kids won’t inherit until a much later point.

My point being - not only is everyone different but you can’t rely on others wanting the same thing or being ‘fair’

You could suggest they do a straight split between the two sons with a letter of wishes saying that if the sons don’t need it then please do a deed of variation to pass it on to the next generation. That way there is flexibility based on you brother in law’s needs and you children’s ages.

If that’s not a goer, suggest 1/6 each to your three children, your brother in law and his two children. That way he gets a small sum and the children are the main beneficiaries, each receiving equal sums and each half of the family receiving equal sums.

I think it's controlling

Why would a grown adult not have the right to make decisions (control) regarding their own money It is perfectly acceptable for an adult to make perfectly reasonable and legal choices about their own money.

Also very different in different families.
My nephew will get nothing if my DM leaves her estate to my brother and his wife. Divorce likely, so the money will already be divided. Selfish adults too, who will not pass on the money to their DS, where DM wants it to go.

In my case, I have provision for everyone except one family member who will drink himself to an early grave if he is left a substantial amount. I have named his children.

There are some very bitter and grabby adults on here.

This is AWFUL!.
You told your own mum, who had spent a chunk of her inheritance on your education, that you felt unloved because she wanted to give it your children. And you didn't even need it.
Every time I think I have heard it all, MN throws up another mind-blowingly dreadful post.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.

This. And any "I wanted to be the one to give the house deposit" is TOTALLY unreasonable.

Its always tricky when an inheritance is divided unevenly based on the perception of which of the recipients needs it more. I have a work colleague who has fought bloody hard to get to where they are, studied hard, went to uni, put up with a load of shit in their career to get vital experience, got charterchartered etc. Managed to climb up the property ladder under their own steam etc. Conversely their brother was the polar opposite, lazy, entitled, mooching from one hair brained get rich scheme to another, been bailed out a few times etc. Their mum had a large house in Surrey which she decided to gift to the dosser brother as he 'needed it more'. Its hard to say it would not leave a bad taste in your mouth if you had done everything 'right' yet your lazy sibbling just gets a million quid house.

I am noticing an ever-growing tendency for people to leave money to their grandchildren rather than their children. Even on game shows, everything people win is 'for the grandchildren'. I find this quite sad - I wish the elderly people would spend money on themselves while they can still enjoy it, and then leave the remainder to their children, so they can enjoy it too. Why all the skipping a generation? Surely the grandchildren will inherit from their own parents, which is the natural order of things.

I’d be more tempted the other way. Reward hard work with an inheritance, rather than the dosser!

DH and BIL are due to inherit from DM (probate is going through). We have two young adult DC. We will def use it (and some savings) to help DC on their way, but only when they’re settled in jobs and have properly launched. They’re v welcome to live at home for free (or minimal rent to cover extra food) until then but they need to make their way first.

I think, as long as the GC are responsible, it would probably give them much more of a leg up to have the inheritance early on than to wait until they are in their 50s or such to receive it from you. I have asked my parents to give part of their inheritance to my DC. It also means less IHT from anything that might come from me to them.

I told her that I felt unloved & uncared for & the kids would ultimately get what we leave, everyone should have their turn

The brass neck of this!

If you feel money = love you are messed up.
No one "gets a turn" of other people's money, not even their parents.
You have emotionally blackmailed your poor mum into changing her will.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I understand why you'd think the portioning is unfair if it was going through the sons, but if they're gifting directly to the grandchildren then surely it's fine (and fair) to split it equally? It's not a family 'pot' after all, it's for those individual people to use, regardless of circumstance, so fair for them to be given the same.

It's also a bit ridiculous to be complaining that you wanted to give them money first - they are incredibly lucky to be getting two rounds of inheritance when most have none, and how long would they be waiting for that? In this economy they'll need all the help they can get.

If you're worried they'll blow it then have a conversation about it beforehand or ask PIL to gift it in trust (if they aren't adults yet). Realistically, it's their money to spend so you can't put stipulations on it.

Edited to say: my husband received inheritance from his grandparents in his early 20s and we used it as the deposit for a house - we're on our second home now. I'm likely not to receive anything from my side until I'm in my 40s, and only then because my DM isn't around, so GPs are giving it directly to us. My DB and DS will have to wait until then to even think about owning a home (both in very good jobs and have worked hard their entire lives). In my 30s and in a professional field with working friends and I know very few people who can afford to move out of rental.

DHs family left 'his' inheritance to our dcs. It wasn't a lot, maybe 20 ish K each. It went on holidays, lip fillers and the like, a fancy guitar, nights out, skateboarding. I suppose it went on 'fun'.
It was left by a hardworking class people who never treated themselves to anything much.
It seemed an awful waste tbh.