Inheritance to grandchildren bypassing children

[mucky123]

I just wondered if someone could shed some light on why I feel the way I do. It is absolutely none of my business. I freely admit any thoughts about it are unreasonable. If anyone should have anything to say its my bil/sil.

My dh and I are quite comfortable, not interested in an inheritance. We have 3 dc. My Bil not so comfortable but alright. Think they might have a tougher retirement than we do. They have 2 kids.

My ILs. Have some money not loads but are comfortable and very likely to leave readonable inheritance. They intend to leave everything between 5 grandkids. So my kids will get more of the pot than bils. I'm really irritated by this on every front (1) haven't discussed it with their sons, feels like a kick in the teeth for them, (2) gc will be inheriting fairly young. Will this discourage them ftom working, will they piss it up the wall or lose half on an unsuitable marriage, (3) it's like the parents aren't trusted to send the money on to their kids, and (4) it's unfair between brothers as our kids get a bigger slice of pot. That seems unkind to lovely bils family.
Partly also I'd like to be the one to give my kids a house deposit, pay for their wedding etc and this has all gone as they will now have a reasonable inheritance quite early.
I know I'm being unreasonable,

Will you not inherit from your parents?

I haven't read all the responses but I agree!! I haven't been able to articulate these thoughts as well as you and while the nuance about my own conflicting feelings about this may be slightly different.. I feel the same!

Treat your children with unconditional love and trust! Bypassing your children feels like saying they do not deserve your money and you do not trust them to take care of their own children.. that somehow your children have been a bit of a disappointment but there is still hope for the grandchildren.

A colleague’s children were left very substantial amounts of money by an estranged grandfather, in trust until they were 25.

But goodness, the colossal time and cost to wind the trust up! The solicitors really milked it for all it was worth - so much back and forth with emails, phone calls, big fat charges for everything when it should have been quite straightforward, no unusual circumstances.

TBH their experience has put me right off trusts, not that I was contemplating such a thing anyway.

So then you agree that it's better that it's left to you and not directly to grandkids?

Why not?

They're not all idiots

All these people who are wanting their parents money is shocking. And pretending like it's about trust and parents not thinking they're capable

Greedy greedy people.

I would not skip a generation entirely, but I would certainly split my money between my children and grandchildren. It is quite straight forward to add in an age clause so the grandchildren do not get the money for a while (It can remain invested until this point). Otherwise there is a risk that the cash sits with the parents for a good period of time and given increased life span, grandchildren may wait a good time to get their hands on any money. There is also the risk that on remarriage the money we would like to see going to grandchildren finishes up elsewhere.

But if they piss it up the wall at 20 ... So what? It's their money. They're adults. They live with the consequences of it.
Just because someone is 35 doesn't mean they won't "waste" it. I know people would have gambled their inheritance away etc

It is up to them how they spend it, even if you don't think it's the best idea.

If someone giving money wants it to be spent on something in particular, then they must put conditions in it in the will etc.

I agree it should go to the two brothers. What they do with it is up to them. Have in in laws said why they're skipping a generation? Did it happen to them?

Strikes me that OP is being particularly unreasonable to worry about the possibility of the money being lost to divorce but not remarriage.

Hardly unknown for people who've been widowed to marry again and end up leaving all their estate to the new partner. Perhaps PILs are worried that anything left to their DC might end up passing to a new spouse who sees no reason to give their GC any money.

The money you wanted to give as a house deposit would only be possible if you get the inheritance, so it's their money being passed on anyway.

Skipping a generation helps avoid inheritance tax later.

Also, sometimes grandparents like to show their love for their grandchildren this way. I know many (including my mother) who did this.

I genuinely think it's entirely their choice.

Are a grandchild hoping it skips a generation?

In our family inheritance skips a generation. By the time my parents and in laws pass on hopefully we will be retired and having planned our lives sensibly we will not need a massive windfall. Our children however will be just starting out and it will be a massive benefit to them. If you are skipping a generation on both sides then it is fair whatever the spread of GC as each GC is treated the same.

Yep. I will never not be shocked by it. It disgusts me.

Sounds to me like you’re annoyed that it’s skipping your husband which you now realise you won’t benefit from and it’s going to your children.
Sounds like sour grapes and your BIL is just a red herring. I guess all you can do is try and be happy for your children instead of resenting their gain.

My parents left 1/3 to me, 1/3 to my brother and 1/3 divided between their grandchildren.

Thanks for all the answers. Just to be clear I will not be discussing it with them as I said in message it's none of my business. They told us about it last night and whilst I'm not going to give my view I can't help having feelings about it. DH doesn't care so not much benefit discussing it.
Bit more context it's not enough to attract inheritance tax.
It won't be eaten up by care home fees I don't think as they have put it in a trust that supposedly avoids that. They did that a long time ago so I suspect that will work.
As for caring which lots of people have mentioned, we have not been involved in that much beyond talking on phone and dh going to stay with them occasionally to help. We live a plane ride away from them. Lovely bil and sil have done that and have been very attentive and kind. I don't think money factors into that for them.
I was using aibu last night as a way to process my feelings about it. It just felt off.
By way of background MIL does have history of being controlling especially in early days with my dc. That pretty much stopped as they got older.
My dh was the golden child. He is very sweet tbf and has always done everything expected. He is now a very high earner and any inheritance given to him would barely register. I think my ILs have been saving up to leave an inheritance and they want it to register. They are wealthier (through sheer hard work) than anyone else in their family and are understandably proud of that. So I get why leaving it to gc would have more impact.
I have pondered a bit more and I think my concerns (other than a general dislike that bil has been left out again) really focus around 1 of my dc (nd) that will spunk it up the wall. This dc is only 18, is a carer, spends most of the tiny amount she earns on tattoos and was talking about getting married recently to boyfriend of 9 months. I love her to bits, she is bright, funny, vibrant and lives life 100% but ultimately lives in the moment. I am very protective of her but cannot influence her decisions much. I worry there might be gc from this dc earlier than i'd hope. I am pleased for my other 2dc who are both sensible and tend to take advice (although one is still very young). I think this could have a negative impact on the nd dc.
I didn't refer to this in op as it has taken me a few hours to work out what issue really is.

My Mother started on this track.
So I reminded her that when my paternal Grandfather died, they were able to buy their house outright, never had a mortgage, & we as the DC massively profited from that, (private school etc)& when her own mother died she wasnt cockooed out of the nice pot of money granny, an astute business woman, had accumulated, which allowed her to live at home with carers for over 15 years instead of having to sell her house & go in to an establishment for handicapped pensioners 😞😞😞
I told her that I felt unloved & uncared for & the kids would ultimately get what we leave, everyone should have their turn.
i was really not in need, she could leave it to the cleaner ( who incidentally got an extremely nice envelope). but it would be a big help.
She changed her mind & split most if it in 3 shares fir her own children

Now this seems a nice compromise.

I'm with you OP as in the same situation despite the fact that both parents inherited directly from their parents (and this enabled them to pay off mortgage and enjoy retirement) . I know it shouldn't irk but it does and I'm obviously delighted for my kids but would be nice to not be totally bypassed.

It should be divided amongst their own children. If they don't want/need it they can then pass on to their children. Alternatively, if they do need it, they can use it. Not everyone is loaded, living in a mortgage free house, with a massive pension due.

This is correct. I got some inheirtance in my mid 60's. I gave it to my child as a house deposit. I have no need of it really. Still working after 45 years in a job I enjoy but only part time. My DH and myself are over the Inheirtance tax thresehold so dont want to be caught out with our estates paying huge amounts of tax.

The thing is that one of them might need care. My late Father's estate was 50% less because he was in a care home for a number of years.

I told her that I felt unloved & uncared for & the kids would ultimately get what we leave, everyone should have their turn.

It's like a different planet.

My step grandmother left everything to me and my cousins. It was great but I definitely spunked up more of it than I should have and I probably would have spunked up more if it wasn’t for now DH mentioning it and saying maybe I should be more sensible. I would say just make sure your kids are financially literally and have a talk with them about their plan for the money when the time comes. They will almost definitely spend some of it, so talk about setting an amount to spend.

I disagree. It should go to wherever the deceaseds' want it to go. Whether that's their children, their grandchildren or the local cat's home.

I think it's fair enough to go equally to children when they are younger, before they have children of their own, but when the children are older adults and established themselves and there are grandchildren, it's a good opportunity to review wills. Even moreso when the children are older, established in their own careers, own homes, etc and don't "need" the money in the same way that someone in their late teens or early 20's would "need" the money more, especially these days when housing is more expensive than ever compared with wages, there's more young unemployment, risks of the job market due to AI etc.

Yes, it sounds unfair for, say, 3 grandchildren to inherit a third each rather than 2 children inheriting half each, but it's fairer to the grandchildren. Otherwise the grandchildren don't get equal inheritances when the monies are eventually passed down to them. Why should a child with a sibling get effectively half the inheritance of the single child, when there are 3 grandchildren to the 2 children of the deceased.

I suppose you could spread it over 5, i.e. leave equal amounts to each child and each grandchild which would reduce the unfairness a bit.

I think it really depends on the age of the various parties.
If parents in their 90s, with children in their 60s and grandchildren in their 30s, it makes sense to pass directly on to grandchildren, and bypass the children.
However, how it is done is another matter.
One could specify that the 'estate' (ie inheritence) is divided into 2 halves, and each half divided equally to the respected grandchildren.
The OPs children would then get less individually than the DBs children.
If the grandchildren are still at school, then it makes more sense to leave to children.
A will should be updated periodically, which could reflect this.