Inheritance to grandchildren bypassing children

[mucky123]

I just wondered if someone could shed some light on why I feel the way I do. It is absolutely none of my business. I freely admit any thoughts about it are unreasonable. If anyone should have anything to say its my bil/sil.

My dh and I are quite comfortable, not interested in an inheritance. We have 3 dc. My Bil not so comfortable but alright. Think they might have a tougher retirement than we do. They have 2 kids.

My ILs. Have some money not loads but are comfortable and very likely to leave readonable inheritance. They intend to leave everything between 5 grandkids. So my kids will get more of the pot than bils. I'm really irritated by this on every front (1) haven't discussed it with their sons, feels like a kick in the teeth for them, (2) gc will be inheriting fairly young. Will this discourage them ftom working, will they piss it up the wall or lose half on an unsuitable marriage, (3) it's like the parents aren't trusted to send the money on to their kids, and (4) it's unfair between brothers as our kids get a bigger slice of pot. That seems unkind to lovely bils family.
Partly also I'd like to be the one to give my kids a house deposit, pay for their wedding etc and this has all gone as they will now have a reasonable inheritance quite early.
I know I'm being unreasonable,

YANBU. We have three DC, two have DC of their own, although not the same number, and one is childfree. If we were to leave money to the DGC we would be disinheriting one of our DC.
The only fair way is to leave money to the DC and let them pass it on as they choose.

i grew up with my grandparents.
My parents and older siblings worked and that’s just how it was - I sincerely doubt they asked to raise another child in their 70s, but they were so good to me - and so sweet.
My mum has one sister, and they rarely visited my grandparents - but when they did, the kids ran in and opened the refrigerator and tore through it and then headed for the cookie jar.
They were monsters - just terribly misbehaved.
And then, when we were all grown up, out of six grandchildren, I was the only one to ever visit.
It hurt my heart when Nana and Papa asked me what my siblings and cousins were up to.
But being the grandparents they were, they left everything to their two daughters.
No fights, no hard feelings.
But I’m the only one with my grandparents in my heart. ❤️
I don’t care about money. I don’t care about stuff.

it would have been fairer to share between all

I’m with OP. And of course, their money, no expectations etc.
In my large family we have between 1-4 children each. Very varied circumstances. Would feel wrong if one sibling got a larger share because they chose to have more children or if my lovely brother was left out because he is well off.
Sounds like you’re decent people who would look after your DC so the traditional way is best.

I will never cease to be amazed by the sense of entitlement some people have to other people’s money. They might throw in a token ‘yea, it’s their money and they can do as they wish’ but that is then followed by a ‘but’ and ‘should’. The only thing that should happen is what the testator wants to happen. Not what a daughter in law thinks should happen or wants to happen.

I'm sorry to hear that your diamond shoes are too tight.

Honestly there's no better definition of that metaphor than complaining that grandparents might give your children house deposits because you wanted to!

If one of the grandparents is lucky enough to live into their late 80s and leaves the money to their children, those "children" will be in their late 50s or 60s most likely, and grandchildren in 20s or 30s - exactly the point in life when a house deposit or a cushion towards working part time for a few years while children are very young would be most useful.

You can still give them a deposit for their first house, or pay for their wedding.

Unless you were banking on inheritance from your IL’s to be able to do this? In which case you just sound entitled.

The sibling isn't getting a penny, so definitely not a larger share.

The grandchildren are individual people, and in the OPs case likely to be adults in their 20s or 30s, they are not parts of their parents.

This is a good point!

OP did you want the inheritance money yourself so you could be the one to play Lady Muck and generously hand it out in dribs and drabs with your children beholden to you for being so generous?

Then give it to them. Your choice.

Good grief - I never knew anyone thought like this.

"Personally I'd split my estate 50-50, so that my kids share one half between them, and my grandkids share the other half."

That's what my parents did. It wasn't exactly 50/50, but a certain percentage was shared between the children and a certain percentage was shared between the grandchildren.

It's likely that we will become grandparents in the next year or two, so we will give some thought to how or if we want to rewrite our wills to take account of any grandchildren.

Obviously people can leave money to whoever they want, however the inequity in this would really bother me - the fact that you’re better off and larger side of the family ends up getting more of the pot say to speak then the side that is struggling a bit more.

In my personal circumstance, my father has sometimes expressed a desire to do funny things with his money based on the fact that he doesn’t trust my brother so much. I have very strongly asked him not to do anything strange in his will that will create division between us when he is gone.

That would be fine. Any other way and I'll have to start the work all over again when the money runs out. It's actually really hard and stressful on top of all the caring jobs I already have to do. I can do without a repeat.

When my mum died she gave 25% each to me and my sister and split 50% amongst the grandkids (3) this seemed fair as it gave kids money for a car/ travel. (Early twenties) But also gave Dsis and I some money for retirement (we are in our 50’s) My sister was unhappy though as she doesn’t have kids so she saw it as my family got 75% and she got 25%.

Of course it's up to them, and you're lucky to get anything etc, but I do understand your feelings a bit, and your sense of discomfort about the disparity between the two sides of the family (even though it's fair in terms if the individual GC). My PIl have an arrangement where most has gone/will go to us, but they have also made direct investments for the GC to help with house deposits. The pre-death gifts to us have effectively enabled us to provide a better life for the kids while they're at home and ensure they won't have any uni debt. It's incredibly thoughtful and generous, and we're very lucky. Perhaps yours feel that because these are 'on death' gifts, they're less likely to be useful to you (assuming they don't die young), and prefer the absolute guarantee that the money will be used for the benefit of the GC. I do understand you feeling slightly hurt that they don't trust you to make that decision yourself, though. It may be precisely because of the unbalanced number of kids? Ie they want each GC to get the same, but would feel uncomfortable leaving more to your husband then your BIL, if leaving direct to the kids?

So I was left money by my grandparents- my parents and siblings didn't get any
Mainly it was because their daughter was always asking for money and they didn't want her to drink it....
However it bought me my first car and I felt really lucky ...
I will also probably leave to grandchildren not children to ensure that they have a house deposit/house to live in rather than my child who has one already!!

My elderly grandad is about to get an inheritance from his sister. He's going to have to spend a lot of money on a deed of variation (?) to give that directly to me and my child as GC and GGC. He's trying to avoid the money being hit by inheritance tax twice over. It was the same when my nan died, her savings came directly to me rather than my parents - and it made it possible to buy a house. I'm grateful to my grandparents for making these choices.

It's their money so up to them.

Just one thing - are you sure your family will get 3/5 of the estate and their family will get 2/5 because they have 2 children and you have 3?

My Dad gave both families children an inheritance but he split the money 50/50 between the 2 families despite the fact my sister has 3 children and I have 2.

Her family effectively got less money per child and it caused a bit of upset at the time. The way he explained it (that he was giving both daughters the same amount but via their children) I could see the logic but my sister couldn't.

Just a small question, where you say "a crappy trust route", is this because they own the property as tenants in common and there will be an immediate post-death interest trust?

If that is the case, then the reason for there being a trust is to stop the surviving spouse from being kicked out of the home by the children (or whoever the beneficiaries are) after the first spouse passes away.

The trust ensures that the surviving spouse can stay living in the family home for the rest of their life (unless the will states otherwise).

This is a very normal thing to do where a couple own a property like this.

I have the option of passing my late fathers inheritance down to my DC, which I fully intend to do, step mother was a bit younger than DF and inheritance doesn’t come my way until she passes, but this is my portion split 2 ways. I’m pleased to be able to do this and hope to be around to see my DC benefit, they should be of an age where they will be sensible with it. Not sure if this is available but could you suggest that it’s held in trust until the DC of the family are of a certain age before they receive it, 25 or 30?

This way of splitting an estate really doesn't make a great deal of sense. Why not leave a percentage to GC then the balance divided equally between AC? The OP raises valid points about concerns regarding the GC inheriting too early.

Sometimes when people are high earners
It may avoid taxes to do it this way.
I've known this happen a few times.

If it's not about that, though, it is f-ing annoying.
I don't know why, it just is.
Maybe because it has overtones of look at how special I am. Yes, that's what it is.
Most people are not high earners, most people get on OK with their families, just do the normal thing ffs.
It's a bit like funerals being highly personalised.
It's just annoying somehow. Look at how special I am. I'm not going to do the normal thing.

It's also got overtones of narcissistic control. I can control my children because I know they'll want the best for their children even though I don't for mine.

Another exception would be if a parent dies and the grandparent then rearranges things to be left to the grandchild.

Yeah yeah people can do what they like with their money (why do people even say this on these sort of threads? Nobody's going to flipping deny that!) and I can in turn have an opinion on it since you're explicitly asking.

My MiL left everything split equally between her 5 GC, (3 families) 1 SiL thought it was unfair as other SiL has 1 child, until I pointed out the inheritance isn't for the parents, and it would be unfair for 1 GC to receive more than their cousins.

People are so weird about inheritance. Nobody has a right to it. Nobody should expect it. If someone of sound mind makes a will and leaves all their money to one person and not another, that’s up to them. I hope my mother continues to spend all her money on holidays to avoid any squabbles with family.