Argument after relative's death

[jellyfish798]

Looking for guidance as emotions all over the place.
My dad died last week. So far, family all been supporting each other, going through the motions making arrangements and it's tough but we were getting through it.
Tonight, a member of the extended family came to my parents house. Initially seemed supportive. Now, we have said we are not applying for DWP monies towards cost of funeral as there are enough of us to cover costs and we see it as the last way of honouring our dad.
The relative in question is not expected to chip in, but they have been very strongly arguing for us claiming costs towards funeral, and have been politely but firmly told no. Tonight they became very aggressive - said "you're such an arsehole" to me, twice, in front of my partner and family including my grieving mum.

They said there is a family hierarchy and I don't get a say as I'm the youngest (I'm nearly 40!!!)
They said I'm at the bottom of the food chain in these decisions - about my own dad's funeral.
Not going to lie, I fired back - have been a ball of emotions and it all came out. Told them to fuck off, that they are a misogynist who never listens to me, that it was disgusting that they spoke to me this way during this time.

They then began tearing my mam down verbally, saying she will have no money and has nothing left at all in the world, listing how she won't cope, won't get a job etc, can't do anything for herself.

My mum and family were kind to me and once he'd left, we talked but it's clear my mum expects me to patch things up with him because even though she admits it's out of order, she thinks it's not worth a rift.

I know I probably should have kept my cool but I'm grieving and can't understand his behaviour, felt blindsided and hurt.

AIBU to want to distance myself from this person? WWYD
Any advice appreciated xxx

Assuming it’s your dad’s brother? YANBU for what was said, you actually don’t need him in your life and I wouldn’t be maintaining any contact or offering my apologies.

He isn’t even in the food chain in your immediate family, so he needs to butt out. Out of curiosity why was he wanting to claim the money? Extras at the wake?

Mum's brother, I might have understood it more if he was dad's bro but they're actually quite reasonable men.
He wasn't super close with dad either. Civil and ok but certainly not close.
He won't say, and we're not having a wake. He's being dramatic saying "I'm worried about my sister" despite often going AWOL whenever there's any kind of family crisis. His form is to promise to help with something, not do it and not let us know til last min, and reappear a few days later saying he was depressed. He very much has a knack of making things about him.

No you are not being unreasonable and I would not patch things up. That will just inflate his sense of entitlement.

I guess stick with an. "This is what was agreed by immediate family I form a part of immediate family and uncle does not. Due to this we dont need his vote.

Promise mum you will be civil if in the same room however no you wont apologise for him attacking you verbally.

You either stand up to bullies (you did, well done) or ignore them. Just change the subject if your mother raises it. You're entitled to your dignity.

Just fyi (in case you don't know) your Mum could be entitled to 1k towards funeral costs if she receives any of the following;

Benefits you must get
You (or your partner) must get one or more of the following:

• Universal Credit
• income-related Employment and Support Allowance
• Pension Credit
• Housing Benefit

Ignore your uncle.

It must be so hard dealing with that type of personality so soon after losing your dear Dad. 💐

For the Mums sake I'd keep the peace for duration of funeral then never talk to the uncle again.
I would most definitely not be apologising to him.
Well done for standing your ground and he'd no right speaking to you in such a manner.
Lastly sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Not unreasonable at all. His job in this was to be respectful and supportive. Not argumentative and difficult. I’m sorry it happened.

I don’t speak to my uncle on my mums side for similar reasons.

I can understand your mum not wanting a rift right now. (Not suggesting you do or that you caused this.) In time she might look back on how he behaved and feel differently. She might agree that his concerns for her were second place to what she had discussed with you and your siblings and that he had no right to get aggressive with you. He never has a right to get aggressive with you.

Maybe do what she wants until things are less raw just to make things easier for her rather than more comfortable for your uncle.

If spending time with him regularly has been the norm, you might have to tell her you won't be doing that anymore but not yet.

Maybe your mum’s brother is more aware of your mum’s financial situation than you maybe and is concerned for her.

I didn’t know applying for funeral costs was a thing but if your mum is in hardship - or will be after the funeral - and she’s entitled to claim it, then she should.

He wouldn't really be privy to this info, whereas my sibs and I have been the ones doing the paperwork and sums. I slept on it and think a lot of what happened reflects the behaviour on mum's side quite well. She's a wonderful person but the males there have form for bad temper and control.

Thank you everyone - really helps to have another perspective. I slept on it, not well but got some sleep. Will be trying my very best to avoid arguments for mums sake & will be taking a step back from him long term. I reckon he believes he can do what he wants because I'll always give him a place in my life as he's family. He's wrong, I do think there needs to be more than blood ties to keep someone around in your life and have advised others to do the same in different threads, when it's clear the only thing keeping someone in your life is DNA.

Sorry this happened to you too x

Sorry about your dad💐
So he's not actually a blood relative of the person who has died? What a nerve then making out he has more say than you. Spouse and children of the deceased person have priority and most people would agree with that.

I don't think you've done anything wrong here as he started being aggressive. I would say to your mum you aren't going to pursue the argument but you also won't be trying to make him feel better. Ignore him as much as possible and concentrate on arrangements for your dad. Did he have savings or a funeral plan?

Don’t try and keep the peace OP from experience it won’t work.

DH had this with his aunt & uncle - he constantly had his opinions and input reduced, it created an awful atmosphere at the funeral and ended in huge argument between all the family. I very much persuaded DH to keep the peace at the time and wish I hadn’t now. It isn’t fully healed today 10 years later.

Nip it in the bud now; extended family do often seem to feel their opinions are superior in situations like this.

You are immediate family and only immediate family decisions count at this stage.

No he's not a blood relative. I've tried to flip this scenario and imagine going to his place and having a go at my auntie and I can't imagine on what planet I would think it was appropriate.

Dad didn't have much in savings no but it's ok, we earn enough between us as siblings to sort this out so it is ok - no one mentioned a word about financial distress, not saying we're loaded but it will be ok xx

It sounds like your uncle is thinking with your dad gone, he's now the alpha male in charge of your mum again. To specifically talk about the pecking order means he's thinking he takes head of the table. Support your mum to be strong and keep her independence, and tell your uncle to fuck off

By this I don't mean your dad was in charge of your mum sorry, I mean from your mum and uncles childhood.

I am really sorry for your loss

If your mum doesn't have to contribute to the funeral it won't affect her finances at all. I assume you and your siblings are paying? And the £1,000 you might be entitled to is not exactly life changing and would just reduce the amount you and your siblings have to pay. I would write to him explaining this and saying perhaps he misunderstood the situation, but no apology.

So sorry for your loss, it's amazing how opinionated the people who turn up after a death can be.
On paper, my Mother should have been eligible for this grant and to put it in context my father's funeral cost almost 6k.She didn't want to apply but a benefits advisor encouraged her to .Her application was refused as my Father had taken 4 k out of his bank account about a year before and they said that would have paid for the funeral.We didn't appeal as she didn't want to but I'm just highlighting that it's only an application which can be refused.

Well done on standing up to him OP. We had a similar situation with my dad’s brother when my dad was in intensive and subsequently passes away. Firstly he let making digs at the hospital about how we had all “abandoned” our dad when the truth was he moved abroad, and that we shouldn’t have left him to fend for himself. It escalated into us having a blazing row the next morning at the hotel where my sister and I told him exactly where to get off, which he wasn’t expecting.

Then at the funeral he started on one of my dad’s sisters as he wasn’t happy she was there and kept yelling at her to leave (a very dysfunctional family). I got in his face and told him to sit down. It was OUR dad’s funeral, which we paid for and she was welcome as our guest. He finally shut up and did as he was told. Haven’t seen him since.

These misogynists often think they’re big men until they’re challenged. He caused the rift, not you.

Sorry to hear this happened to you, it's very dysfunctional on my mum's side too so I hear what you're saying. You handled it really well though and you're spot on about the misogyny x

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad for you and your family.

If money is tight, it may be prudent to apply for the money, but i totally get that if you don't want to, and you can all cover it yourselves, that is the path you want to take.

Your mum, and you and your siblings are the important people here, and certainly not the BIL of the deceased. He is far outside the circle (food chain) and needs to keep quiet and support his sister in a way that she wants/needs.

It is a thoroughly shit time. Make sure you have time to grieve, all of you.

This is close to home for me OP.

My father passed in January, I live in the Midlands, my dad was in Lancashire and as my brother was visiting him he took on the role of arranging the funeral.

Dad had a cementation paid for so it was things like flowers and getting the death certificate.

I was receiving Universal Credit and I could have applied for help with the funeral which would be paid back from the estate. It would have covered my travelling expenses.

I knew there would be some inheritance but I needed that money before the funeral to buy a train ticket. I had to borrow from elsewhere.

I write all this because it may be your relative is trying to help, in a convoluted way.

Having said all that, he might just be a prick.

He's got form for the alpha crap actually, isn't it pathetic!!

Sorry for your loss xx