to feel like some older relatives respect men’s time more than women’s?

[stressy1]

I’m starting to get really irritated by this.

I pop in to see my grandad most days to help out as he is chronically unwell. He does have carers but they can't do everything that is needed understandably. . I don’t mind helping at all, but he’ll ask me to do things that his sons could easily do, but apparently they’re “too busy”. As if I’m not? I’ve got two jobs and DC.

It’s the same with my elderly uncle who’s had a stroke. I help him out regularly, but again he has a son (single, no DC) and the attitude is just that it’s easier for me to do it because he’s “busy”. He is very proud of his son having a BIG job always making excuses for him.

Even DM does it. She’s constantly asking me to do things and if I suggest my brother could help, it’s straight to “he’s busy”. He’s single, no kids, fewer commitments than me but somehow his time is treated as more valuable.
I don’t actually mind helping. That’s not the issue. It’s the assumption that I’m automatically the one who will do it and that my time is more flexible or less important than the men’s.

I am not saying ALL older people are like this. I have some older relatives who never do this.

Op yes it’s always the woman’s job because there just simply aren’t as important as the men they are breadwinners blah blah sorry but you need boundaries. I’m a people pleaser but have been practicing saying no the guilt is awful but you have enough going on in your own life. Op time to let go of being readily available. Let the men do more you will not be any better thought of.

I think there is a part of us deep inside that knows if we ask a man or men in our families they actually won't help and to have that fear aknowledged is not nice so looking to the women around us is partly protecting the truth of what the men around us are like.

We were brought up to be people-pleasers and to put everyone else (particularly the men) first. If not, you were guilt-tripped into it. In my family, the women did everything: the cooking, cleaning, childcare, admin, DIY, gardening and working full-time unless retired. As a teen, it annoyed me that the men/boys of the family were never expected to help with anything, even the washing up after big family meals, let alone appointments and things. I was apparently unreasonable and selfish for suggesting that they help.

Unfortunately, two of us moved away, some got ill, and- God forbid- a man had to cancel his hair appointment to take an elderly relation to an appointment. When he whinged about this, he was put firmly in his place, as the women had done all of the running around for years. Somewhat embarrassingly, it didn't seem to have occurred to him.

It is seem as women just can't be as busy as men. My DM thinks this even when the woman in a relationship has a higher paid better role and the husband works in a factory. She will still default to the woman first.

I was brought up like this to. My DB would sit and watch TV every night with DF. I was in the kitchen washing up every night. When people would come to stay, I would be turfed out of my bedroom and would have to sleep on the floor. DB was never expected to give us bed up. I objected a lot but was shut down by everyone who thought this was perfectly fine.

It's infuriating.
My Mum (79) does the same.
She was in hospital for a week last year and I sat with her most days and when she was admitted.
My older brother rang her and was told not to visit as it would be hard for him, what with work and his family.
So my work and family didn't matter.

My mum was then disappointed when he didn't visit. I told her well you said he didn't need to so why would he. She thought he would still visit 🙄

My mum will argue how my brother is just as busy as me. He is single and lives with her. No DC. He works but she does everything for him. He spends a lot of time watching sports. She will talk about how busy he is and just because he doesn't have DC doesn't mean he is not busy.

The power to change this is entirely in your hands.

Stop doing this - tell them you're increasingly 'busy' yourself and that they will either have to gets their male relatives to help or pay for more help.

If you feel guilty then deal with those feelings.

Agree with PPs - stop with the martyrdom and self flagellation

My friend can do relate to this . I often get annoyed on her behalf . Despite coming from a big family she is the default person to deal with their father . Her brothers are never asked despite being nearer . Apparently they have busy jobs . My friend is a senior manager in local authority responsible for budgets in the millions . One brother works 9 -5 on local shop, other is a teacher .

That's all out of your control, your mother and your brother's behaviour . All you can do here is to change your own behaviour. If you want to stop having an extra unpaid caring job, stop. And dealing with any discomfort this may cause you. You're not a child now, and you don't need to be constrained by gendered beliefs you were brought up to believe were 'natural'.

They have done a right job on your self esteem that you tolerate this.

If you had self worth this wouldn't be happening because you wouldn't have tolerated.

We teach people how to treat us.

Women have been conditioned to people please and not rock the boat.
It annoys my husband when my parents lavish him with praise when they witness him doing the bare minimum with the children, as if he is a hero. He considers parenting as teamwork and sometimes tries to counter with Take does X, Y and Z…but I don’t get praise for that. They don’t want to know as they think a lot is women’s work.
He even gets sympathy for driving us to see them, gets told “oh you must be tired” and gets given gifts.
Should I go out on my own, there is worry about whether he will cope!
It is social conditioning but not everyone is like this.
I think you ought to start saying no, they will find a way to plug the gaps. They won’t like it though!

My friend has a sisters and two brothers. One brother is a GP, busy enough but quite senior and no kids. Another has a couple kids and a regular (not excessively stressful or time consuming) job and a wife. My friend works full time has three kids, one with additional needs (this happened when kids were between 8-13), and a DH. The sister full time job, one child and DH.
Their mother had early onset dementia and their father was the primary carer. The men in the family did… nothing. My friend and her sister traded off weekends to go and stay with their dad to help (he lived two to three hours away from them). When I asked why her brothers didn’t help she made excuses but I knew she was resentful that they didn’t help. It wasn’t that the father expected the women to help more, the men also seemed to think it was their sisters responsibility. Their mother was a SAHP and took care of them all (my friend once said she doesn’t remember her mother ever sitting down). So I don’t think it’s just older people. I think it’s all people.

My 78 year old father understands I have a job and 2 kids to look after so will only ask me to help him out in an emergency. He generally asks his retired (mostly male) friends instead.

But then he also made meals and did housework when I was growing up, and cared for my mother when terminally ill so he seems to have mostly shrugged off societal chauvinism.

Some people still can’t get their head around women having careers and working outside the home.

Like no one bats an eyelid at a man having to go on a business trip that takes him away from his wife and children for a week, but when a woman mentions work travel it’s all “I couldn’t leave my kids overnight 😱”

Why couldn't son order grabber to delivered to his own house and drop it off at grandads house?

I mean who knows but he should've done and none of the consequences of him not doing are anything to do with you. You need to take step back. Don't talk to them about these chores once you've refused them.

He lives hundreds of miles away. Can't have it delivered because he can't get to the door to accept the parcel. Items end up being returned which is why I buy things he needs. Yes I can ignore it but he ends up hurt, in hospital or can't see as he has dropped his glasses somewhere which leads to more falls.

This exactly. Think how much you'd pay a (male) plumber to fix something in your house, compared to a something a woman would do for you. A lot of people would probably expect to pay a female plumber less for the same job without even thinking it through!

A female friend of mine is expected to do everything for her parents, including driving parents to their country house most weekends and maintaining said house and garden. The house will be left to her brother when parents die, because youknow, he's the man.
Parents won't ask brother for any help, because he's just too busy. Brother is unemployed and busy making questionable modern 'art' in his garage...

And yet your friend is choosing this. No one has a gun to her back.

Women have always born the brunt of care work in society, be it (badly) paid or unpaid. This is one of the reasons for feminism: to get women a better deal relative to men. But an awful lot of men haven't got the memo...

very true and I have also been asking why she doesn't object. But if you grow up with those expectations, I guess it must be hard to break lifelong habits.

I grew up with exactly those expectations. My sisters and I were raised to think that men needed to be tended, and that it was women's job to bustle about tending to them and put their own wishes last. Never to say no. That a woman who said no to any request for her time would deserve endless ire and punishment.

But I'm an adult now, as I assume your friend is, if she's old enough to be driving her parents around. There comes a point where you have to stop blaming your upbringing, discard the damaging scripts you were taught, and take responsibility for your own choices.

Men say no more, because they're not as bothered about being percieved as nice good people. They feel good about themselves when they are given status, money and respect, not because they've done their grandad a favour.
A few excuses, less than enthusiastic responses and sorry i can'ts, and people learn to go for the easier option of asking a woman, who'll pretend it's no bother.