Marital finances

[dontfuxkwithroy]

I (female 45) earn around 95k. My dh (47) earns 65k. Dh puts 750 into our joint account every fortnight. I match this. This covers mortgages bills rates. No savings from this. I have to constantly nag him to transfer this money and occasionally the account goes into the red because he doesn’t sort it in time. Sometimes he’ll go weeks without transferring money and I have to mentally tot up how much he should have transferred. I have asked so many times for him to sett up a direct debit but he doesn’t. Dh pays afterschool of 100 per for children and the occasional top up shop. I cover everything else, big shops, kids clothes, activities, all holidays, days out. I feel like I’m paying way more than he is and have asked him to contribute a little more but he never will come up with more cash and tells me he’s broke. He eats lunch out every day at work and smokes. If we go on holidays I just expect that I am covering all costs and occasionally he’ll pay for the odd thing but I almost resent it when he does because it’s never done with any consultation and I never can rely on him doing this. Is this normal or AIBU??

Are the children his kids too or his step kids ?

On the basis of your earnings, you should put in 60% to his 40%. However, he needs to put that money in on time.

The issue is that you have different approaches to finance. You are careful, don't waste money on lunches out or smoking, you make your money last, and earn well to begin with.
Your dh is more happy go lucky, will waste money on smoking and buying unnecessary lunches, and then when he runs out he shrugs and says he's broke, leaving you to cover his shortfall.
He won't change and neither will you so I think this will escalate. You are married and have dcs, so any separation will be difficult. Or you can live with struggling each month to persuade him to transfer his share.

I have no idea what after school care costs, but he had at least £2,000 / month left over once he's paid into your joint account.

Can you put him in charge of the family finances for six months and you step back? It might open his eyes to the reality of your household expenditure?

Everything for the household and children should come from the joint account. The only things I pay for from my personal account are my hobbies (I have a horse in livery), my mobile bill, coffees for me if I’m out or a lunch for myself, personal travel, clothes for myself, etc. Everything for dc comes out of our joint account.

You have a huge household income and seem to be paying very little into your joint account. For example, I’d say Dh and I have a combined income of about £100k, his about £70k and mine about £30k. Together we pay about £3000-3500 into our joint account each month. Me about £1000 and Dh about £2500 usually. You earn more and should be contributing more, but neither of you is contributing enough.

What are you both spending all that money on if it isn’t bills and household expenses? 😳 I only make £2k a month and I have enough to contribute £1k to our account, plus keep a horse in livery, plus go out for coffee and cake and buy new plants for the garden and whatever other silly things I spend money on.

He needs to set-up a standing order not direct debit.

As he smokes, and if a pack a day, he could be spending £400-500 a month on these - it depends on the brand. This on top of £1500 bills plus childcare costs plus his work lunches which probably cost another £100 a month, plus travel to and from work, plus phone etc.. he’s right in saying he’s broke when earning 65k a year (take-home pay is approx £4k pm).

So yes YABU to think he can afford more without cutting back on his existing expenses. The cigs should go as a starting point or just scrap your holidays if you begrudge paying for them.

It doesn’t sound, from your listed spending, as though you have children?

Also, do you go on holidays?

Does your DH think you should pay more because you earn more?
Why does he think you should do all the family/household admin?

I think you need to sit him down and have a serious talk about your family finances.

Maybe go out for lunch, leave the kids at home with a sitter, take all the relevant paperwork with you.

Explain how frustrating and worrying it is that you can't rely on his fortnightly transfers being made on time.

Make him understand that it's not fair for you to be carrying the family financially, AND all the mental load.

Tell him what you expect and need him to do, and give him a written copy so he can't later say he didn't understand.

Work out your basic monthly expenses (x) - mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurances, car costs, phones, loans (if any), child care, food etc.
Either split them 50:50, or 60:40 based on your respective salaries.

Then:

• you both set up direct debits to cover (x), in the % amounts agreed
• I would also set up a holiday fund, and put an agreed amount into that
• and if possible I would also have a savings pot , again paying an agreed amount each, to pay for any household expenses that pop up (new fridge required, roof repair, etc etc).
• any money left over is then up to the individual to do what they want with (his choice to waste it on smoking 🤷‍♀️)

That way you don't have to worry about the joint account going into the red, and hopefully won't be carrying so much of the mental load as a lot of it would be sorted.

Assuming 10k pa pension

He clears 3.5k

So he has 2k per month spare ie. Plenty ... he needs to pay the full amount immediately after payday via dd / standing order / whatever it is.

I would bloody hate this.

To answer a few questions, yes we have kids. I pay for everything for them except after school fees of £100 that he pays per week. My mum does all the other childcare. If left to do any household admin dh would not do it and bills would be unpaid/ he woood take too long to organise things. We had a loan for a few years there for home improvements in his name that was consistently paid late or not at all. We go on one holiday a year which I pay for. The worry around all of the household expenses / holidays / kids activities etc falls to me. I have tried many times to get dh to organise holidays / Santa and he takes so long to do it that the task does not get completed. He’s like another child tbh.

Op you need money pots joint somewhere like monzo which covers loads of stuff not just mortgage but general things like school costs //clubs /clothes /trips.
Another for kids bday /Xmas gifts
Another for holidays...both contribute every month .
Once all essentials which I include as above and more are covered he can keep his money.

You don’t seem to like your DH much?

Do you feel you deserve better than him, someone more equal with your finances?

He’s taking the piss.

You definitely deserve someone more equal in caring about unpaid bills and paying on time. And he’ll never suffer the consequences because you sort it out because you have to so that you and the children don’t also suffer.

You both need to increase the amount you contribute, and have a direct debit that leaves the account on pay day and goes into a joint account. If he refuses to set up the direct debit, refuse all holidays, paying for eating out and any other discretionary spending that you cover of any kind.

I don’t think I would mind so much if he’d pay into the joint account when he is supposed to. I constantly have to nag as well as organise everything and it’s just wearing me down. I have a very busy job, a parent in nursing care, 3 young kids and other caring responsibilities. Tbh I could do without having to organise a grown man’s finances also. It’s not the amount he earns.

Agree the amounts are a pitance. You both should be paying in more.
you need to sit down and make a spreadsheet of your bills - including the costs of your children, and savings, and everything it costs for you to all live. You then pay in 60% of these costs and he pays in 40%. Both by direct debit.