No energy, like zero. No patience. Is this burnout or just perimenopause?

[dollydoops]

I’m 46, single mum to a 6 year old and work full time as a teacher. It’s always been pretty hard to juggle everything, but lately I’ve found the evenings a real struggle. We get home between 5.30 and 6 (she is in after school club every day just so that I can manage to get my work done). I can just about manage to make DD’s dinner and do her school reading with her, but then she watches TV until bedtime while I just..sit, mindlessly scrolling my phone, looking at the chores that need doing but feeling too bone-tired to begin. Then once we have done the bedtime routine and stories, I come back downstairs and sit again, scrolling, snacking and feeling miserable.

What’s more, I have no patience with poor DD and don’t have the energy to deal with her properly so I end up snapping at her or crying in front of her. It’s making me feel shit and I’m sure it isn’t good for her. If anyone has any advice to offer, I would be really grateful.

I felt like this and assumed it was perimenopause (I'm almost 45). Turned out to be vitamin d and iron deficient which surprised me as my diet is good and I'm out waking loads. Supplements have got me back to normal.

Thanks. I actually had some blood tests done a while ago (about a year ago) which suggested everything was normal. Maybe things have changed since then though? I’m honestly quite worried. My mum struggled with her mental health and I am concerned that I’m going the same way :(

Did you get your thyroid tested?

I did get my thyroid tested and it was on the low side of normal. Could this have changed within a year?

Is it time for HRT perhaps?

The difficulty is that I still have a coil (despite not having needed it for 4 years!!) so I don’t get proper periods. So it’s a bit hard to tell

I think it’s because you’ve done a whole day at work, then you can’t switch off. You have a list of chores , a child and you’re tired.

I has the same.i feel like if I could come back from work and sleep for an hour , id be really productive the rest of the night. But I can’t switch off as im always on duty as a mum!

So I am the same age and in late perimenopause now (only 3-4 periods a year). I have cancer and I feel exhausted. But when I’m not on treatment, no, I don’t feel like that. I suspect some of it may be nutritional, it’s worth getting your vitamin levels checked again, and lifestyle. Doom scrolling isn’t going to fill anyone with joy and energy. Just go to bed. Get sleep instead. Do you drink alcohol? If so, stop. And then do you have time for yourself? Do you get to do things that bring you joy? Bring you back to your childhood? Are fun?

You need to find what those are and carve time for them into your life somehow. I did a lot of dragging my children to the beach when they were that age and making them sit safely on a rock with snacks so I could get in 10 minutes of cold water swimming to save my mental health.

Yes - could easily have changed. Get it retested - as if it is your thyroid - treatment can be transformative. Hypothyroidism is common in middle age women.

I am trying to go to bed earlier. I don’t really drink alcohol (like, 2 units a month!) but could drink more water and could definitely eat more healthily.

Extremely jealous of the cold water swimming! I would love to do that but am nowhere near a beach sadly. I do love walking in nature and get to do that most weekends, but always with DD so maybe not relaxing in the same way.

TBH, you just sound burnt out. I would definitely get everything checked as it could well be a deficiency/ thyroid. If nothing shows up though, I think I’d talk to them about starting the process for HRT.

However, do you ever get a break? Does your DD ever go to their dad’s/ family members? Teaching is tiring enough, especially if you’re full time. It looks like both you and your DD have really long days, I expect she’s knackered too.

Do you feel better in the holidays?

I'm nearer 60 than 50, also a teacher, kids grown, WFH partner. Suspect it's considerably easier.

Not sure whether you're primary or secondary, but if the latter then you need to be leaving school earlier. Are you 'doom scrolling' tasks at your desk, doing busy work when really it could be left? Not blaming you.

It's the bone tired, eh. What I would call 'listless'. A previous poster is right re: alcohol, knock that on the head and have some herbal tea to help sleep and so you feel more refreshed. Also right re: cold water swimming as it's shown to reset the fight / flight / freeze response - although easier said than done with a 6 y/o in tow. I take Floradix, iron and multi-vits. I don't think people understand the amount of stamina you need for teaching. I also take a good, high quality vit D in the winter.

Re: HRT, it's fine for them to replace your coil, give you a Mirena or something like and then have an oestrogen patch. You could try it. Didn't work for me (caused high BP) but does for many others.

You mentioned feeling worried about your mental health. You're not your mom. The way we think about ourselves and the world around us has changed considerably. Don't be too surprised, with a 6 y/o, if the current geo-political situation is having an impact though. We, as women, are far more able to articulate our feelings around this. Which brings me on to the next point, have you thought about contacting the Education Support advice line (24/7). It's not always a cry for help but maybe talking to someone who 'gets it' could be useful. They could help you think things through and potentially work out whether it's burnout, depression or peri / menopause and consider next steps.

You got this.

My iron and vit d affect me long before a blood test says they should. I'd try over the counter supplements (liquid iron less harsh on stomach) and see if that helps. Check diet as best you can.
Can your DD go to a friend or relative for a few days in school hols so you can get a break?

Maybe scrolling isn’t helping? It’s mind numbing, and eats into your evening. You pick up your phone and before you know it a full hour has gone and you’ve achieved nothing then pissed off because it’s late and you’ve ‘wasted’ your night. Maybe set 20 mins of ‘scrolling time’ to do chores before you sit down. I’m really trying hard to break the scrolling habits!

Hmm if it was an underactive thyroid causing lack of energy your TSH would be high. Over 4 it'd be indicative of an underactive thyroid. So if you mean your TSH is low then it's probably not that. I suppose it could change in a year though you never know.

Definitely go and get a blood test! I was like this last year and felt so worn out and tired - ended up in A&e with sepsis, and really bad anaemia. I’d put it all down to teaching - the tiredness, lack of focus etc Another teacher I work with had blamed teaching and was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. If you’re bloods are normal then it might be time to try the hrt !

I’m a teacher (part time) 3 young kids, 38 and feeling exhausted…
I have recently started concentrating on the basics..
drinking more water, a guided meditation nightly and simple YouTube yoga 2/3 times a week. A run twice a week too.

my nervous system has been sooo sensitive. I am very snappy, no patience, I feel miserable.
Easter break with my own kids felt hard and going back to school now feels hard.
I really feel for you because I feel similar.
I am really trying to make good choices to make myself feel better. I owe it to my children. I can’t currently quit my job. I can’t change my life. So I am trying to find ways to help me cope.

Good luck. You sound like you are already doing an amazing job at keeping the plates spinning.

Being a full time teacher = hard.
Being a single parent = hard.
No wonder you are exhausted. I'm 0.6 which makes things more manageable. I bought some slow release iron tablets today, am hopeful they will alleviate some tiredness!

It’s really hard to get enough D through diet. And in the UK the sun just isn’t strong enough Oct to March.

This was me before being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. The paradoxical thing is bloods can be in the normal range but you can have subclinical thyroidism and still feel all the symptoms. I went to a good gynecologist and also my gp and and endocrinologist. Keep drilling them and don’t let them fob you off.

i wish you all the very best as it sounds really, really backbreaking. Keep going xx

Thanks everyone, this is all food for thought. I’ll definitely try getting some vit D and iron supplements for a start.

I'm a cover supervisor of similar age, so classroom facing but far less admin. I come home to teenagers, so they're quietly having down time straight from school. I often end up having a 20-30 minute nap to reset my brain after all the social stimulation and decision making all day. It's a physically and mentally tiring job.
Years ago when I taught f/t and the DCs were young, I frequently used to fall asleep to In The Night Garden as they watched.

I'd investigate physical triggers first as they're simplest to tweak.

I start my day with a homemade smoothie that I add things like vitamin D drops to so there's added nutrients. I also tend to need a snack and big drink when I get home as I've had to manage water consumption all day, and it's hours since lunch.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The physical, mental and emotional toll of single parenting is non stop. Do you ever get a break?

Standards can slide and scrolling and slobbing are valid hobbies when your life is so busy and stressful.

You don't need a beach for cold water swimming, we're landlocked to fuck in Derbyshire, but over run with wild swimming spots!

You might be depressed. It happens, and doesn’t have to mean chronic issues. Definitely worth seeing your GP if you think that could be the case. You don’t have to replace the doomscrolling with improving activities but can you find an unchallenging sitcom with lots of series that makes you laugh? Maybe try to phone a friend occasionally rather than WhatsApp - bit more connection?

I found it incredibly difficult to get any exercise when ds was younger, but if you can find any ways to do that, it’s the most effective thing imo. Even just walking regularly - at least the weather is better. Is there a sport you could both do - maybe parkrun on Saturdays followed by breakfast together? I used to do run/walk to do that.