AIBU to resent MIL and Aunt trying to force a relationship between us and DH’s cousin

[anythingbagel]

My DH has two cousins — one he's fairly close with, and one he’s not. The distant cousin frequently drops out of family gatherings last minute (this isn't about us he does it to everyone), and in eight years together, I’ve only met him once, pre-COVID. He skipped DH's stag do, our wedding, and our baby's naming ceremony, and has never met our child.

DH and I genuinely don't have a problem with the distance or any desire for closeness but MIL and Aunt seem determined to manufacture a relationship between us and him. Every Christmas, we're asked if we've sent a card and whether we need their address. Every year, we say we don't exchange cards with them. On the kids’ birthdays MIL asks each time whether we're sending something or whether she should add our names to her gift. Every time we say we don't exchange gifts but she adds our names anyway. We've also been nudged to send congratulations for things like school achievements, sports events, and work promotions. MIL thinks I should friend/follow them on social media as a nice way to keep in touch (I doubt they’d accept me if I did anyway).

MIL and Aunt send us photos of the cousin's kids at least fortnightly. When DH just gives a thumbs up reaction , we often get nudged for more like "Doesn't the Easter bonnet look amazing?” but there’s only so much you can say about photos of children you’ve met one time six years ago. We're also occasionally asked if we've thought about "popping by" when we're in the area, as though there's an open invitation to extended family they’ve seen once in eight years!

We’re happy to match his cousin’s lack of enthusiasm and don’t have any wish we were closer, but MIL and Aunt constantly trying to push it on us is annoying me. I wouldn’t recognise this cousin or his wife if I passed them on the street. I understand MIL and Aunt probably dream of big extended family get togethers with all the cousins' kids running around together but his cousin clearly isn't interested in that, and it's frustrating to feel a relationship being pushed onto us with someone with someone who obviously has no interest in us.

Maybe your MIL or aunt should offer to host this big family get together if that’s important to them? I do understand how they would want that relationship if they are close themselves but the cousin clearly isn’t bothered.

Perhaps when it’s next mentioned just say that unfortunately cousin hasn’t wanted to get involved in family events but if he happens to be visiting aunt and welcomes a visit you’d be happy to go along?

I just file this sort of stuff under "can't change them". Try making a game of it - every time it gets to ten requests buy a bottle of your favourite wine.

I think it's a natural part of ageing, you want to see family relationships carry on beyond you.

My mum and MIL are both bad for it, but my husband falls for it. I point out that we don't have relationships with people, don't know where they live or even have them on SM. So why be hustled into extra engagements?

MIL has form for this, we happen to live in the same town as the son of her best friend and I know she would absolutely love it if we formed a friendship. I feel like a panda being forced to mate in a zoo!

His aunt hosted a family get together last year, but this cousin (her son) dropped out the day before because one of his children had a birthday party. Aunt and DH’s cousins all live in the same general area, we’re about 45 minutes away, and MIL is 2.5 hours from us, so MIL isn’t in a convenient location to host, and DH’s Aunt has had lots of health problems and surgeries over the past few years so hasn’t been able to host.

I send Christmas cards to distant cousins and have some of them on social media and think this is normal contact. I wouldn't invite them to a baby naming ceremony - that would just be for people I was close to. It's fine for your aunt and MIL to invite you over when they are round. Go if you want, or not. You can't complain they are the ones who are distant though if you make no effort to see them when they are in the area or attending a get together at someone house who you do see.

My Mum and Aunt were very similar - and believe me, I don't have anything in common with my cousins other than the fact we are related. I lost my rag a bit in the end and said you can't make us like each other!

My MIL has form for this too.
She grew up knowing cousins well and has interfered many times over the years trying to force an imaginary relationship. She couldn’t drive people further apart!

Ive not said it’s not fine for DH’s Aunt and Mum to invite this cousin around. We’ve had about 4-5 occasions since Covid where we were all meant to get together, but he always drops out last minute. I’m neutral about seeing them - I wouldn’t say I actively want to see them because they’re total strangers to me, but I don’t care if they’re there either. They seemed nice enough the one time I met them. I think it is fair to call them distant when we’re the ones who go the family meet ups and invite them to our big family events

Sorry I think I misread your comment about popping by. I thought you meant your MIL/Aunt had them over and asked you to pop by while they were there but you didn't. They seem to actually be suggesting that you just call in and see them which I agree would be a bit of an odd thing for you to do. Older people do/did seem to do more of that though than I do and when I say older, I mean older than me and I am 53. When I was a lot younger and certainly when I was living at home, folk would just drop in. That said, they weren't distant cousins but people they saw regularly. I think it took a while for my parents generation to get used to having access to phones and being able to make arrangements in advance and my grandad never had a phone so there was no other option really.

Don't get involved, let DH field their requests and comment on their photos. If asked directly by MIL just say that cousin doesn't seem very interested in having a relationship with your DH and it's nothing to do with you anyway!

This really seems like a non issue to be honest. What is the problem, it's not like they are forcing you to visit them. It seems the mums would like a relationship between their grown children but the children are not interested. Just ignore it and keep doing what you're doing.

Any chance you can just pass this onto DH? It’s his cousin and his family after all! Responses along the lines of ‘Oh you’d have to ask DH about meeting up’, ‘Oh please check with DH what he would like to do’.

I know a lovely man of 82 who still sends cards to his sadly passed dw's family!!DOZENS OF THEM! Christmas and birthday cards! And thank you cards when he receives back!!Lovely for those who've had time over the years. Not so for busy working parents still in the thick of LIFE!! Tell them to crack on adding your names but you haven't got rl time for distant relatives. Suggest they books a table at x place and if cousin confirms attendance you'll try to make it.
Cancel the day before as cousin presumably will!! Sounds hard work having your family op!