To think being rude is rarely about what was actually said,

[Holtome]

I was at the supermarket self checkout this morning when it all kicked off. The staff member reminded a customer to scan his carrier bag. He told her not to be so rude, and she started ranting about being abused over a carrier bag. Then told the manager who came to see what the fuss was all about that she'd only asked him to scan the bag, and she wasn't taking that kind of abuse.

She was rude though. Not in what she said, which was reasonable enough, but in her tone, which was far more accusatory than helpful.

She'd done it to me just previously when I was having trouble getting something to scan. She came over and sorted my problem, told me what I was doing wrong, but her tone was very much fgs how can anyone be so stupid. Again, if she told that story back, she'd been perfectly helpful.

Obviously in the sceme of things neither event is the height of rudeness, but she was rude.

Ynbu

Sounds like she is in the wrong job to me.

Yep. Tone of voice is so important.

YANBU

Although I'll add a caveat and say that I've witnessed people being accused of having a 'rude tone' in the past, when they absolutely haven't.

It's just the person didn't like what they were being told.

If someone told me to scan my bag I wouldn't care about their tone. Maybe it's the 1000th time they've had to say that this week.

If they told me to stop being so fucking stupid and scan the bag, then I would say that was rude.

The first shows restraint, the second doesn't.

Yeah it’s a bit rude, because the purpose of the comment is “remember not to steal that”, and I assume she doesn’t say it to everyone getting a bag, so I can see why he’d feel a little annoyed.
Most self checkouts you don’t even need to scan the carrier bag because when you press pay, it asks if you’ve taken any bags, and you click how many you’ve got, so there’s already an anti-theft reminder built in.

But I worked on checkouts/self checkouts for years and she’s probably also fed up of people being rude to her.

I’d cut her a break. People do try to take bags without paying for them, staff are often penalised or disciplined if they don’t remember to say “remember to scan your bag” and “would you like to validate any parking?” during transactions, and she’s probably sick to the back teeth of having to give bag scanning reminders hundreds of times a day in addition to dealing with customers who are often rude or aggressive themselves.

Everyone is doing their job on top of putting a mask over whatever else they have going on. Sometimes it slips and somebody perceives frustration as rudeness. I’m not so fragile of self that I personally need to make a deal out of it.

Well it’s a boring thankless job and people are getting more and more rude. I had a woman of about 90 squaring up to me at the checkout the other week (I was doing my shopping, not working there btw)

I mean she was basically accusing someone of shoplifting a 5p bag, which yes, that is rude and a deliberate attempt to humiliate her IMO. So pathetic. The other day I took some electric blankets to the Dunelm self checkouts and the attendant literally took the scanner out of my hand and did it for me. I just smiled and nodded because I think giving someone a rise when they're being cuntalicious rewards them for being that way.

Yes, I wasn't particularly meaning this woman, just using her as an example of how it's all in the tone.

This.
It's quite difficult to defend being accused of 'tone' or 'a look' and unfortunately some people rely on that when they become frustrated with a situation whether that frustration is justified or not, in fact I'd say ime they're more likely to accuse someone of a tone or look when their frustrations are not justified because they feel like they need some justification for the way they have behaved, because although they know their behaviour has been unreasonable towards someone else, they don't want to lose 'face'.
It's like some kind of trump card "But they were rude!"

YANBU, and it’s the deniability which really grates. I get how thankless public facing jobs can be, and most people do them with grace, but to be addressed with an insulting tone, with the defence “I only asked…” is enough to drive anyone demented.

Yeah it’s about tone of voice as well as the words. Our GP surgery has posters up all over the place saying they won’t tolerate rudeness or abuse. And yet their receptionists are so bloody rude. I saw the dr about something and at the end of the appt she said I needed to book an appt for a blood test plus a follow up appt for 4 weeks time. I go down to reception on my way out and book the blood test and appt. The receptionist says “NO! I can’t give you a follow up appt”. I ask why not and she snapped at me really loudly so everyone could hear “because we don’t do that”. So I said “well the dr says that’s what I needed to do” and she snapped loudly again “NO! I told you we don’t do that. You’ll just have to ring on the day like everyone else manages to”. So then I said “Why would the dr tell me to book it today if you don’t do this?” And she responded “well how the hell should I know. I never told you you could book a follow up appt. You’ll have to ask the dr yourself why she said it”. I was polite and spoke calmly through this whole exchange whereas she was loud, rude and snappy throughout. There’s a way to get a message across without talking to people like they’re stupid. She could have just said “oh I’m sorry, we no longer book follow up appts. Just ring up in about 4 weeks time and we’ll get you booked in for that day” and it would have been fine.