to question expecting mums and MILs, not husbands, to help?

[haleey]

Every week I read posts from women upset that their mum or MIL will not help with childcare. There is often a lot of disappointment, resentment and criticism aimed at the older woman as if she is somehow letting the family down. This is even more the case if she had help herself. It is another stick to beat her with.

But what really stands out is how little the husband gets mentioned. He is either barely there in the story or it is quickly brushed off that he has a big job and cannot change anything.

Since when did that become a free pass? Why is it accepted that he cannot adapt at all, but completely reasonable to expect an older woman, who has already raised her children, to step in and take on regular childcare?

It feels like the expectation defaults to women helping other women, while the man’s role stays exactly as it is without being questioned.

I am not saying grandparents should not help if they want to. It is lovely when they do. But the entitlement towards older women, alongside the lack of expectation on husbands is not on.

I am not saying this is true in every single scenario and if you find these types of posts boring, move on.

Well if mum or dad were available they wouldn't be needing a babysitter at all?

Another grandparents as childcare post.

Absolutely men should look after their children, and expect to do so. But I also see a child being looked after by a loving grandparent as a positive good-not a worst case scenario. So if either parent would have to rush, or leave work early then what’s wrong with grandma stepping in?

Have you not read the posts where women ask other women even if the dad is available because he doesn't want to do it?

Thinkdad as in grandad

How is this any different from the endless threads about parking disputes, noisy neighbours, lazy husbands, or refusing to give a colleague a lift?

Or what's wrong with grandad doing it. Think that's the point

Grandmas gets asked mostly. The expectations are on her most of the time.

Yes I know And grandad never gets slagged off for not helping with childcare strangely

Because they happen pretty much constantly. There has been a recent spike in these threads, when it wasn’t a topic wildly covered before.

I have never seen a post where someone has complained grandad refused to help with childcare and then dragging out how he was cared for by his grandparents so he better now pay it back.

I know the threads you're referring to but it's not my experience at all, irl.

I don't know anyone personally who has asked a mum or mother in law to babysit because their dad won't look after their own children. I know this because dads looking after the children was commonplace when my children (20 and 27) were younger.

My experience as a child was the same. If my mum wasn't available, my dad looked after us. It was the same for my friends.

My partner is desperate to be a grandad and (by all accounts including his ex wife) he was a very equal parent. Far from him expecting me to do the caring, I doubt I'll even get a look in if granchildren come along! 😅

My grandma only babysat when my parents went out together. My grandad died before I was born so never had the chance.

I've no doubt it happens but I don't think it's anywhere near as commonplace as MN threads would suggest.

ETA when my children were little, my dad was the default babysitter on the rare occasions i needed one. Not my mother.

There is literally the exact same thread already running in active.

Well spotted!

I find me and my brothers situation odd because my mum had PIL and DGM looking after us 5 days a week and also for 2 x 2 weeks a year whilst they had luxury holidays. And now she does nothing. Mine are 21 and 23 and she never babysat, never had them overnight, nothing. I begged for help once when I was very ill and she turned up with a friend and expected me to make them lunch. Its not that they do nothing, it is often that they had so much done for them and now refuse to help at all.

I completely agree and I’m mindful of this with my own parents, but it goes the other way too. When both of my children were ill, the eldest more so and in hospital (who I was with) and the youngest at home with an infection (husband was with), my retired MIL bombarded me with messages on what she should buy the youngest for their birthday as she had an operation booked nearer the time so had to sort it ASAP. FIL is also retired, drives and is perfectly capable of using Amazon or contacting us nearer the time. She also could’ve contacted her son, who was with the less ill child whose birthday it was about and was also at home, not at the children’s hospital. Grandad sorting it or liaising with their son a week or two later was a less preferred option to contacting me at a time of high stress and worry. I stopped buying their cards and gifts a while ago as I was guilty of blindly doing anything “woman’s work” in addition to also working full time and sorting my side of the family out. DH isn’t as thoughtful or consistent with their cards or gifts as I was although I make sure their birthdays are in the shared calendar and do remind him if I realise it’s coming up and he’s not mentioned it as I want them to receive something. I now don’t get sent a card on my birthday, presumably due to my womanly failings.

Women must be criticised for not helping with childcare when they had it themselves. Nothing to do with the men of course. They don't benefit from a woman getting childcare.

Granddads can't provide childcare without people questioning their motives.

Well I don't see why not. My dad was a single parent for a few years. Wonder what his motives were in looking after us

Our dc’s grandads were both dead long before we had dc. I actually don’t think that’s unusual. Nor are single parent families we’re only mums are still around in adulthood.

That said, this doesn’t echo my own experience at all. We have never really had any family help. Maybe a handful of times in the 13 years we’ve been parents. Neither of my dc have ever even been over to my mum’s house or MIL’s for the day. Like literally in 13+ years neither of our mums has invited our children over to theirs or taken them out for the day. 🤷🏻‍♀️ In my social circle, grandparents doing childcare is definitely the exception, not the rule. Most of us are two working parents balancing dc between them and using paid childcare.

PLEASE for the love of all that is holy, can we STOP with these posts?

It's like watching Marvel remakes or Disney or Back to the Future Part 78.

WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE!

Yanbu, I think this in so many threads. It's normally 100+ replies in and long descriptions of what the grandma/MIL isn't doing, when someone asks "hang on what about your husband/child's father" and the response is usually a simple "he can't help". Well neither can the women!

I've been on here 8 years and can't think of any thread on here criticising a grandfather for not helping, whereas I see a grandma not helping thread every 1-2 days.

It's not what I think. It's referenced on several threads on here.

For those families where GPs were roped in for large amount of childcare, and the next generation are now GPs but not offering help, it could be because they didn't really like being parents of young children.

My MIL said when she became a young adult the expectation was she would get married and then have children as soon as possible, being childfree was not a thing (unless had fertility issues). MIL loved being a parent of children, FIL not so much.

There's a bedraggled sandwich generation of women who were at the tail end of women being expected to look after their own children and at the start of women being expected to step up and provide financially who have had to juggle manically and who have then, upon coming up for air at retirement, learnt that because the rules have more comprehensively changed, they will now be providing childcare again.