AIBU to find outings with my mother harder than with toddlers?

[PurplePenguin123]

AIBU to think it’s trickier with your mother?

How do you all manage days out with your parents when your parenting styles are so different?

Mother just isn’t on the same page as us and I find it difficult. I’m not talking about a few rules broken at nannies when they visit I’m on about generally we parent so different.

Examples:

restaurant - 3 year old and 8 month old. 8 month old starts screeching and banging things me and DH are quick to switch up so we change person and toys. Mother says he’s just a baby people should expect it. We believe we should manage our kids if we take them to a restaurant.

restaurant - then toddler is banging on restaurants windows as she’s let him stand on window we are next too while eating, we remove him and mother says he’s just enjoying it. Our view he’s annoying others dinners it’s and adult environment and the windows will be stained.

play centre - mother sits him on the counter to pay and he starts pulling all the chocolate and Easter decorations down (last year so 2) I told him we don’t touch and asked her to take him down to not present this scenario. She’s laughing. My view someone has worked hard to prepare this and will need to fix it. What if every child did this.

shops - she lets him run around and pull stuff off the shelves “it can easily be put back”

I could go on and on.

I don’t know if I’m too strict but honestly when me DH and kids go out to eat we take table games and toys and it’s a breeze.

I know she means well but I feel like she makes things harder sometimes.

How do you all manage this?

Your Mum sounds rather unsavoury. I'd be embarassed by her behaviour.

Thank goodness it’s not just me then! I am.

I thought you were going to say that your mum was disapproving of you being lax and her being OTT strict, but it’s the other way around!

You sound very switched on and considerate-you’re doing it right…your mum is a nightmare!

I would stop inviting her on days out.

I don’t want the kids to miss out on days out with her because they love her. That’s why I’m asking for advice.

Maybe next time gently say mum can you please stick to our rules?? I understand its difficult with parents and children, been there myself x

Then have a proper conversation with her, some of what she allowed sounds highly irresponsible. Was she like that with yourself, when you were young OP?

Did she not disaplin you and your siblings and let you run riot like she let's your children.
She sounds a nightmare

I think this is an extreme version of quite a typical grandparent dynamic: they don't have the responsibilities of parenting kids day-to-day and so let them get away with things a bit, give a few too many treats, etc. But I would also find it really difficult to deal with. Kids also sometimes play up a bit with grandparents because of the excitement and the novelty.

I agree that briefing in advance is the way forward: mum, we're really trying to work on manners and behaviour in restaurants, so could you help us redirect if DC gets a bit rowdy. The other thing to do would be to give her the tidying up if DC make a mess because its not the shop assistants job to do it. She might intervene sooner if you're not the one rushing after her tidying things up.

I bet she wasn't like when you were a kid.

How old is she? She really needs to respect your views, as they certainly aren't extreme, that's just normal considerate parenting.

You stop leaving her in charge of the toddler. Then any issues, you tell her that it wasn't acceptable after the event. Tell her that potentially he is going to be the problem child in Nursery. She isn't doing himany favours.

I agree - am actually staggered as usually its the grandmothers complaining that their DC are not parenting firmly enough. You are doing all the right things (IME, obviously) as we also removed and contained our children in restaurants etc. Mil once said ‘you didn’t have to do that, it doesn’t bother me’, to which I replied, ‘but I didn’t do it for you - I did it for the other fifty diners who haven’t taken time out of their day and spent money to listen to my child have a tantrum.’ I adore my MIL but she really, in that moment, had a mental bubble around our table and thought we were trying to mitigate her discomfort.

Years later someone came to the table and complimented us as a family because the Dc were so well behaved compared to other children running riot in the same restaurant… MiL lapped that up :)

I don’t recall being like this as a child but then if your mother is allowing it I wouldn’t have known it was wrong.

My Dad died of Cancer in my 20s but I do remember them clashing on parenting styles as he was more introverted and she was extroverted, again I can’t remember exactly what it was.

I don’t leave her to parent my children, that’s exactly my point it’s more work having her it’s easier by myself. I don’t want her there to parent I want here there for the children to enjoy her. These things have happened for example the play center he’s stood next to me and she’ll lift him up and put him on the counter allowing him to destroy the display and think it’s funny or the restaurant he will be playing happily and she will lift him out the chair and start letting him climb all over the windowsil. I obviously said something as this isn’t okay. I feel like I can’t enjoy time with her as our styles are so different.

It sounds as though your mum is disengaged. She doesn’t have the energy to actively redirect à child constructively. Is she elderly? Or just knackered?

The reason she’s not on the same page is because she doesn't feel responsible for your child.

As parent you need to be consistent and never give in on rules or behaviour. As Granny she just wants them to like her, doesnt need to be consistent and won’t have to put up with any fallout.

My lovely in laws, who brought up my lovely DH very well, would have let my DC swung from the chandeliers and bathed in chocolate if they’d wanted to. No rules, no boundaries at all. 😆

I agree it's not an ideal but your examples don't really show her as being that bad, she just wants her grandkids to have fun. She doesn't insist that you put them back or allow them to continue.

I think have a kind word and say you like to manage your dc's behaviour very carefully to ensure they don't disturb others and could she try and do the same.

Take your mother only to kid friendly places like macdonalds or pub with soft play.

Grandparents are usually much more lax and inclined to spoil kids than the parents are. That's old news. But destroying shop displays and pulling things off shelves isn't OK, assuming it really is as bad as you say. You can surely remember if you were brought up this way OP? I can remember what my parents were like and I'm nearly 70! You need to speak to her about her interventions but don't upset her. She sounds like a loving granny.

I'm a granny and I'm strict despite having an SEN grandchild. No one should impose badly behaved children on others. It's the height of self-indulgence. Wait until she's asked to leave with the children. Won't be so funny then.

I’m with you OP.

Thanks for all the helpful posters really appreciated. I just want to enjoy being out with my mother and kids. ☺️

I don’t remember a lot of a my childhood and I don’t know if that’s because my mind has purposefully blocked it out. For reasons that are not relevant to this post and I don’t want to go into.

To the poster who said about kid friendly places that didn’t work either. We went to McDonald’s and she stood him up on the chair bench thing and started dancing with him. That’s not okay. Because when we go again or anywhere he will think it’s okay to stand on furniture.

God I could have written this myself about my mum. She is also very relaxed about this kind of stuff. I am the eldest of 3 and remember it as a child, I remember being on a train and a man told her to control her children as we were being rowdy and she told him to piss off. I often half joke it’s a miracle we are alive and none of us are in prison.

With my DD she was brilliant in the baby stage, but now DD is 3 the chaos is real. She doesn’t live nearby, so when she visits it’s usually for at least 2 nights and it’s very full on. Getting out the house with her a toddler is stressful and she seems to think that every defiant toddler thing DD does is hilarious.

She also has zero respect for any semblance of a routine we try to keep. DD hasn’t napped for months, if she naps she ends up awake until 10. On the last visit my mum proclaimed she was walking into town at mid afternoon, DD announces she has to go with her. I’m pregnant and really couldn’t be bothered after a stressy park trip that morning, so let them go alone with the buggy. DP and I gave her strict instructions not to let DD fall asleep, but when she arrived home at about half 4 DD was fast asleep. So I thought I’ll get you back here, me and DP could really do with a night out, could she have DD (knowing full well DD would be a nightmare to get to sleep). So we go out for a meal and to the cinema, come back close to midnight and DD is still awake watching bloody Nanny MacPhee.

So sorry OP not practical advice, just some empathy. My mum doesn’t do regular childcare, so it’s not a constant thing and I just try and cope when she is here (at least she is helpful round the house) and try to remind myself that she loves DD and DD loves her and some people don’t get that with their parents.

Well my mother was MUCH less tolerant of any behaviour that might be attributed as typical for a toddler. Your mother sounds completely out of touch - no most people do NOT want to hear a baby banging on the table. Yes one expects small children are older and have short attention spans and are not exactly expected to behave like adults, but manners are taught and it’s never too soon to start.