Please help me advise my mums terrible clothing situation

[BlueBoo92]

Hi everybody, just looking for some advice!!! I’m finding hard to even start wording this anyway, how can I help my mum to look after herself now I’ve seen some posts on here similar to this but they don’t even scratch the surface. My dad use to be the same as my mom (didn’t look after his appearance but then I started buying him smart clothing and now he looks great, but my mum is even worse, I’m sorry this probably sounds horrible but it’s embarrassing to even go out with her, for example it will be summer and she will wear a winter coat, cheap summer trousers (the type you get on eBay for a couple quid), sandals or flip flops (and she has hairy toes and discoloured nails) I’d say “mum why don’t you wash your feet” oh no I will paint my nails instead. her oral hygiene is extremely bad too. This isn’t a “mutton dressed as lamb” post or anything I think people should dress how they wish, also if people can’t afford decent style clothing of course no judgement, but my parents are REALLY Wealthy. Yet my mum will buy the cheapest clothing and will wear worn out plimsoles, you would think she was really poor the way she dresses and styles herself. That been said if my mum she’s a glamorous lady who dresses smart or looks beautiful then she will bitch and talk negative about them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I dont think OPs post is poorly written.
I do think you are rude though.

Your poor mum. She sounds so unhappy and obviously doesn’t think she’s worth taking care of herself. I’ve no idea how you’d even begin to try and sort things out for her but could you ask if she’d consider a Drs appointment.

You mentioned this started 6 years ago - so coincides with covid. Most of us acknowledge that it changed us/society in some way. Posters on here complain that they find people ruder or more selfish. I do agree that it feels like many people lost those little social habits that make us all able to rub along more easily. And how lots of us dressed then changed rapidly too. If we were stuck at home with no one to see us, why wear proper clothes when we could wear pyjamas and call it athleisure?
How did your mum find that time? Was she especially anxious? Is there any depression in the mix too? Or reverting back to the familiar (feels like safety) of childhood? Did she grow up in poverty? Having to make things last? Is she feeling like she's trying to protect herself from future unknown threat by doing this?

@MsAmerica can you write well in a second language?

It sounds like depression to me.

OP, please ignore the criticism of your written English. I understood every word clearly.

I have no doubt you really care for your parents and are a loving daughter, but I think you need to step back. You say in your original post ' I think people should dress how they wish' and that is what your mum is doing. She's in her sixties living as she chooses. It's not money or opportunity limiting her choices, it's her own free will.

I'm your mum's age. If someone tried to 'improve' the way I dress and my personal hygiene I would be offended and almost certainly resist. I'd consider it not their business. From my own experience I would say a 42 year old can have very different thoughts on appearances and care much more what other people think than someone in their 60s. You say you're not 12, but you're not 65 either. You need to let your mum be herself a bit. She isn't ancient and feeble, she's only 65 and has her faculties.

What is the outcome you want? For your mum to be the person you want her to be, or for her to be the person she wants to be? We can only live our own lives. We can't live other people's lives for them, we can only love them and let them be the people they choose.

Some elements of your post reminded me of the song 'I'm Living in Shame' by The Supremes. I'm not saying that's you, but do listen to it as it's an interesting message and one you don't want to hear when it's too late.

Take good care of yourself as well as your parents.

How fluently do you write in other languages?

I hadn’t picked up that she wasn’t writing in her first language as it sounded fine.

On another thread someone is boasting about writing on posters ‘should OF gone to Specsavers’ with no irony at all. So save your language critique for those kind of people!

Why are you taking care of your parents? Fit and well adults in their 60s dont need looking after generally.

it this is a behaviour change it might be the start of dementia- it’s there ten years before it becomes really obvious xx

Poor oral hygiene is a sign of of self neglect. Can you get her to a nice dentist and hygenist Regularly? Does she have any mental health concerns ?

Are there such things? The only dentists round our way that ever have spaces are the arseholes!

I'd say this is almost certainly connected with her previous mental health issues, OCD isn't just obsessive cleaning, it can be things like hoarding too, and there is something akin to hoarding about her behaviour around clothes. It can also involve rituals and repetitive behaviours which again there is some evidence of now.

Alternatively it may be that she didn't have OCD but her obsessive behaviour came from anxiety or undiagnosed autism or something other diagnosed neurodiversity or mental health condition and that's what you are seeing now.

Did she receive treatment or did she just begin coping better? It could be that you are seeing an unintended consequence of a coping strategy.

I would try to encourage her to seek help.

Try to get her to a dentist at least. Consider a chiropodist too if her feet are uncared for.

Be careful about how you approach this and make sure you maintain her trust. In particular be gentle about any help disposing of "junk" and definitely do not try anything underhand like disposing of things without her knowledge or asking her to give you something and then binning it. This type of thing tends to make people worse.

Sounds like she has sensory issues and could do with some good quality jogging suits or two pieces and some comfortable t shirts.

Is there anything in her original post that I missed, that said her first language wasn't English? Or am I supposed to be telepathic?

I don't think that taking time to look after your parents welfare means that you " Are looking after them at 60 yrs old" People can be mean !
Maybe just support and accept your mums decisions for now. Sounds like she likes and feels comfy on her choice of clothes, on the poorer end of the scale I'm the same with my pjs! I wear them to the hole-ist thinnest just because they are comfy.
Would your mum have a day out with you to a spa and have a pedicure maybe?
Something lovely being able to be pampered.
Wish you all well and hope you do find the answers to help your mum

If she is an adult of sound mind, then she has every right to live however she likes. It isn't how you or I would choose to live, but it isn't your decision to make.

What a ridiculous comment, clearly she loves and cares for her parents, there’s no age restrictions for that 🙄

Could you maybe have a conversation with her where you mention "that other person who has plenty of money, all her her faculties etc but who doesn't appear to look after herself"....

Caring for and taking care of/looking after are very different things.
I care for my adult children but I no longer need to take care of or look after them as they are adults, as are the OPs parents. I was simply wondering if there are other circumstances not mentioned. It wasn't a ridiculous comment at all.
Yours however.........

I beg to differ

How wonderful that your mother has lost her OCD.

That is allowing her more freedom in her decisions.
The only thing I can think of is that she might need glasses.
She might not be seeing her colours or feet as clearly as you see them.

Wearing her comfortable clothing is what is best for her.
Why not take her out to see a gallery or a fun outing instead of giving her things?
Both go to a girly day spa and have pedicures.

While out one day go window shopping.
Gently listening to her choice of what is comfortable and buying her the odd thing that she will enjoy wearing is the way I would go.

Ask your Mum about which dentist she would recommend for you. Encourage her to have a check up when you do.

Be more of a friend rather than a Policeman, Op.

Encourage your father to buy her flowers, go on lovely walks etc. Perhaps your Dad could help her feel more attractive with more attention.

Maybe your mother would really enjoy an artistic hobby.
One where she can wear a smock and do practical stuff. Painting or pottery, or flower growing and floral arranging.

Would your parents enjoy more travel?
Vietnam, Italy, Spain, Cambodia - places where footwear is not formal. Or rambling in remote beautiful places in the UK.

I was going to ask what happened 6 years ago that might have triggered it - retirement, her husbands retirement, house move, death in the family - but I think @PruneJuiceAWarriorsDrink might have hit the nail on the head with Covid.

How was she affected OP? Were there other big disruptions around the same time?

I have a similar situation with my mum and it's so embarrassing. My parents are actually pretty wealthy, but you'd never know. They weren't always, but they've received various inheritances and saved wisely, but live very frugally. My mum (now 82) has NO IDEA of the current value of money. She is completely out of touch with reality. They have no mortgage, spend very little on groceries, the house hasn't been updated in 40 years, have a small car, they no longer go on holiday, they have no expensive hobbies, and don't smoke or drink. They barely buy anything for themselves and always make do with what they have. They are not flashy in any way, which is of course fine and their perogative.

Neither are very invested in their appearance, but I have bought a lot of clothes for both over they years, and my dad always looks smart and presentable.

My mum, on the other hand, dresses terribly. She really makes no effort at all, yet seems deluded and still thinks she looks smart. She wears really old-fashioned clothes from the 70s and 80s if she's going out, and at home she wears threadbare leisurewear and sweaters that belonged to my dad and I 30 years ago. She's not a hoarder and their house is neat and tidy, but she can't seem to bring herself to throw old clothes out or invest in new ones. I feel so ashamed. They have so much money sitting in the bank and my dad would have no issue with her buying things, so it's definitely a her problem.

She was recently rushed to hospital by ambulance and I went to the hospital and I was so embarrassed. She had a ripped bra that was about 40 years old on, underwear with barely any elastic left and old faded clothes that should have been put in the bin years ago. It looked as though she was almost destitute. The hospital bag was a tatty old flight bag. I was horrified. She was in hospital for weeks, so I went to their house to help my dad pack clothes for her, and I found piles and piles of the nice clothes she has been given over the years (Joules, Crew Clotjing, M&S, etc), all with tags still on just sitting there. All are comfy and soft, and the right size- yet she refused to wear any and just wanted her really horrible old clothes. I bought her new underwear, but she's insisting on the old ones. I just cannot understand why she is like this. Her brother and sister are both smart and well-turned out, and she is scruffy and unkempt. If anyone tries to talk to her about it, she becomes extremely defensive and almost shuts down.

I assume there must be some psychological reasoning, but I find it all very sad. I am sorry you have a similar situation, OP. It's very difficult.

Did she suffer a trauma six years ago?

Because she loves them and this isn’t quite right