Please help me advise my mums terrible clothing situation

[BlueBoo92]

Hi everybody, just looking for some advice!!! I’m finding hard to even start wording this anyway, how can I help my mum to look after herself now I’ve seen some posts on here similar to this but they don’t even scratch the surface. My dad use to be the same as my mom (didn’t look after his appearance but then I started buying him smart clothing and now he looks great, but my mum is even worse, I’m sorry this probably sounds horrible but it’s embarrassing to even go out with her, for example it will be summer and she will wear a winter coat, cheap summer trousers (the type you get on eBay for a couple quid), sandals or flip flops (and she has hairy toes and discoloured nails) I’d say “mum why don’t you wash your feet” oh no I will paint my nails instead. her oral hygiene is extremely bad too. This isn’t a “mutton dressed as lamb” post or anything I think people should dress how they wish, also if people can’t afford decent style clothing of course no judgement, but my parents are REALLY Wealthy. Yet my mum will buy the cheapest clothing and will wear worn out plimsoles, you would think she was really poor the way she dresses and styles herself. That been said if my mum she’s a glamorous lady who dresses smart or looks beautiful then she will bitch and talk negative about them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I dont think OPs post is poorly written.
I do think you are rude though.

Your poor mum. She sounds so unhappy and obviously doesn’t think she’s worth taking care of herself. I’ve no idea how you’d even begin to try and sort things out for her but could you ask if she’d consider a Drs appointment.

You mentioned this started 6 years ago - so coincides with covid. Most of us acknowledge that it changed us/society in some way. Posters on here complain that they find people ruder or more selfish. I do agree that it feels like many people lost those little social habits that make us all able to rub along more easily. And how lots of us dressed then changed rapidly too. If we were stuck at home with no one to see us, why wear proper clothes when we could wear pyjamas and call it athleisure?
How did your mum find that time? Was she especially anxious? Is there any depression in the mix too? Or reverting back to the familiar (feels like safety) of childhood? Did she grow up in poverty? Having to make things last? Is she feeling like she's trying to protect herself from future unknown threat by doing this?

@MsAmerica can you write well in a second language?

It sounds like depression to me.

OP, please ignore the criticism of your written English. I understood every word clearly.

I have no doubt you really care for your parents and are a loving daughter, but I think you need to step back. You say in your original post ' I think people should dress how they wish' and that is what your mum is doing. She's in her sixties living as she chooses. It's not money or opportunity limiting her choices, it's her own free will.

I'm your mum's age. If someone tried to 'improve' the way I dress and my personal hygiene I would be offended and almost certainly resist. I'd consider it not their business. From my own experience I would say a 42 year old can have very different thoughts on appearances and care much more what other people think than someone in their 60s. You say you're not 12, but you're not 65 either. You need to let your mum be herself a bit. She isn't ancient and feeble, she's only 65 and has her faculties.

What is the outcome you want? For your mum to be the person you want her to be, or for her to be the person she wants to be? We can only live our own lives. We can't live other people's lives for them, we can only love them and let them be the people they choose.

Some elements of your post reminded me of the song 'I'm Living in Shame' by The Supremes. I'm not saying that's you, but do listen to it as it's an interesting message and one you don't want to hear when it's too late.

Take good care of yourself as well as your parents.

How fluently do you write in other languages?

I hadn’t picked up that she wasn’t writing in her first language as it sounded fine.

On another thread someone is boasting about writing on posters ‘should OF gone to Specsavers’ with no irony at all. So save your language critique for those kind of people!

Why are you taking care of your parents? Fit and well adults in their 60s dont need looking after generally.

it this is a behaviour change it might be the start of dementia- it’s there ten years before it becomes really obvious xx

Poor oral hygiene is a sign of of self neglect. Can you get her to a nice dentist and hygenist Regularly? Does she have any mental health concerns ?

Are there such things? The only dentists round our way that ever have spaces are the arseholes!

I'd say this is almost certainly connected with her previous mental health issues, OCD isn't just obsessive cleaning, it can be things like hoarding too, and there is something akin to hoarding about her behaviour around clothes. It can also involve rituals and repetitive behaviours which again there is some evidence of now.

Alternatively it may be that she didn't have OCD but her obsessive behaviour came from anxiety or undiagnosed autism or something other diagnosed neurodiversity or mental health condition and that's what you are seeing now.

Did she receive treatment or did she just begin coping better? It could be that you are seeing an unintended consequence of a coping strategy.

I would try to encourage her to seek help.

Try to get her to a dentist at least. Consider a chiropodist too if her feet are uncared for.

Be careful about how you approach this and make sure you maintain her trust. In particular be gentle about any help disposing of "junk" and definitely do not try anything underhand like disposing of things without her knowledge or asking her to give you something and then binning it. This type of thing tends to make people worse.

Sounds like she has sensory issues and could do with some good quality jogging suits or two pieces and some comfortable t shirts.