Please help me advise my mums terrible clothing situation

[BlueBoo92]

Hi everybody, just looking for some advice!!! I’m finding hard to even start wording this anyway, how can I help my mum to look after herself now I’ve seen some posts on here similar to this but they don’t even scratch the surface. My dad use to be the same as my mom (didn’t look after his appearance but then I started buying him smart clothing and now he looks great, but my mum is even worse, I’m sorry this probably sounds horrible but it’s embarrassing to even go out with her, for example it will be summer and she will wear a winter coat, cheap summer trousers (the type you get on eBay for a couple quid), sandals or flip flops (and she has hairy toes and discoloured nails) I’d say “mum why don’t you wash your feet” oh no I will paint my nails instead. her oral hygiene is extremely bad too. This isn’t a “mutton dressed as lamb” post or anything I think people should dress how they wish, also if people can’t afford decent style clothing of course no judgement, but my parents are REALLY Wealthy. Yet my mum will buy the cheapest clothing and will wear worn out plimsoles, you would think she was really poor the way she dresses and styles herself. That been said if my mum she’s a glamorous lady who dresses smart or looks beautiful then she will bitch and talk negative about them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Maybe she doesn’t like your clothing choices? Tbf I hate receiving clothes as ‘gifts’.

Your English is great by the way.

I hope you don’t mind me asking but is it a cultural thing (as you clearly love your parents and it’s important for you to look after them?). Apologies if not!

Yes she’s 65 :)

No she’s always been the opposite when I was younger she had quite severe ocd about cleaning.

Try two things:

1. Get her to see a dentist. Maybe you can mention it when they're both there, and turn to your father to back you up. Not only are people repelled by bad breath, but there is a weird connection between flossing and cardiac trouble, plus which a cavity can actually kill you.
2. Stop giving your mother gift cards. In fact, collect them back from her if you can. Then, for her birthday or something, try proposing a mother-daughter shopping day, including a nice lunch. Then use those gift cards to buy a few nice things.

Yes that’s my biggest worry too, she use to go to the dentist but it’s extremely to find a dentist near us. Yes omg yes her breath is horrendous (smells like fish). Yes she does brush her teeth and shower but it’s always very quick.

Thank you, I know but receiving clothes as gifts is what she always asks for, not a cultural thing but my parents both were very poor when growing up (poor but well kept and clean), if either of them need absolutely anything I buy it them. I have an older sister too but she doesn’t really have a lot to do with the family (only when she needs money).

“High horse”, you sound absolutely ridiculous, the way I see it, my parents looked after me when I was a child and I will always return the favour, as it’s my duty. my parents would never have old gone off food for them to eat in the cupboard, that is classed as neglect and is very serious. :)

Ah that makes sense. Sorry I misunderstood your OP (because I’m AUDHD not because of your English!). It sounds frustrating for you. 💐

“High horse”, what an absolute ridiculous thing to say! the way I see it, my parents looked after me when I was a child and I will always return the favour, as it’s my duty. my parents would never have old gone off food for them to eat in the cupboard, that is classed as neglect and is very serious and you can go to prison for neglecting a older person (if they are unkept and dirty).

Is your mum depressed?

You should start by getting her to a doctor for a thorough checkup, and then find a dentist.

Asking for clothing as a gift makes me wonder if she really wants someone to take charge of her life, make decisions for her, take care of her. Most people more or less enjoy the process of shopping and choosing their own clothes. It sounds as if she really wants someone to look after her, almost like a child.

I'm usually live and let live, but in this case, I'd be trying my best to help her.

Dentist first. Maybe you can go together? Make it a day out / offer to pay etc?

Then maybe address the lack of hygiene/clothing. Not sure how tbh..

From what OP says, the dresser & wardrobe must be overflowing with 1. nice things she doesn't ever wear & 2. worn out things she continues to wear.

Speaking as a total scruff bag, I would happily wear rags but am refraining from my instincts. No one buys me clothes, at least. And I love to declutter although it's hard for me.

I wonder if the decluttering angle would help persuade her to let go of items. "give stuff away to charity" angle. Obviously use this as chance to encourage moving out things on basis they "don't fit", "out of style", "the homeless could use that", "that can go to textile recycling which UK is very good at actually", "you'll want to downsize eventually so should get into habit of only keep your best clothes" and "these are not as nice as your other clothes", etc.

Heck, you could even do a white lie: "I'd quite like this one if you were prepared to let go" and use that as opportunity to obtain & then recycle a lot of the textiles so she doesn't feel like it went to waste.

Op you seem to have hit a sore spot with some posters, when someone is horrible on line, it’s often there is something going on in their own lives, so they lash out randomly. Or it’s hit a sore spot and they maybe have the same issues as your mum so take offence.

of course you’re doing the right thing in caring and should not just ignore it,

Op id gently ask her to think of you as selfish as that sounds even if you use shallow comparisons to other people.

Just to give her a nudge esp on oral hygiene
Can you book her into the dentist ?

Yes,odd behaviour.
im nearly ten years older and try to dress smartish and comfortable . Get DF in on this -he could compliment her when she looks smart. I hate showing my scrawny veined skin -look much better clothed.
Just buy her some nicer clothes at M&S where it’s easy to take them back.
Also I’ve had 2broken teeth lately, she needs to look after hers.
Sounds to me like there is something else going on could she be depressed?

editted DDs buy me jumpers and tops for Xmas etc - usually turn out to be something useful that suits me though initially I’m not mad about them as they are not something I would choose.

If she once had extreme OCD then I would see this behaviour as a response to this- like anorexics who move on to binge eating. I wonder how she’d respond if you said you were worried she was unhappy and you have been recommended a really good counsellor she might benefit from talking to?

I don’t really know the root cause of it, but I just want to say my mother is similar, OP. Maybe not to the extent of yours, but everything is a battle: getting her hair done, nails, dentist, etc. Mind you, my mother always looked after her appearance very well, this is only a relatively recent thing and even she can’t really explain it.

Saying that, my mother is MI and on a pension. The most she can explain is that she finds it confusing now. I’ve tried to go the “uniform” method with her as it would help her feel less overwhelmed, but I live quite far away so I can’t check in weekly, for example.

The dentist definitely needs addressing.

Why not just tackle it head on? You mentioned her feet so you obviously feel able to say personal things to her. Sit her down and say "Mum I'm worried you're neglecting yourself. You don't look after your teeth and that's important for health. Also, you put together unusual clothes and I'm worried people are going to think you're like (name of wealthy woman who looked homeless) can we sort out some easy to wear outfits for you that look a bit more cared for?" Or even "Mum lets sort your wardrobe"
If she agrees bin the most offending items or put in storage and get some plain basics that all go together so she can't go wrong, some comfy high quality shoes, a light coat and a heavier one. The simpler the better. Because if she doesn't care what she looks like, if it's as easy to look reasonable, then she will probably wear the better stuff.
If she refuses, I'd press her on the dentist, or at least buy her some good protective toothpaste, but otherwise, you will probably have to accept her as she is.

I get what you're saying and it annoys me too that adults aren't allowed to say anything about their kids' choices, yet adult kids can criticize their parents. However in this case it comes across that OP just cares about her mum and is very worried...it looks like it's a fairly recent thing from what OP says below.

If it's been a sudden change in personality as you mentioned - medical check up first.

What OP describes are very obvious signs of self neglect. This isnt usual behaviour for her mother either, this is a distinct pattern of behaviour change that has happened with age compared to when she was younger and presumably fitter. Thats significant.

Self neglect is an indicator of being unwell - its a classic sign of depression for example and other mental health or cognitive issues.

The OP isnt remotely on a high horse, she is clearly concerned about her mum and if she didnt give a shit about her mum's hygiene/health and rotting teeth I suspect you'd criticise her for that too and label her as "uncaring". 🙄

My mother is exactly the same. She wears clothes that she can physically get on but that is the only requirement, they don't fit, they don't match, they are often not clean or very worn. Her personal hygiene is pretty much non existent - frankly she smells.

With my amateur psychiatrist hat on I am fairly sure it is linked to depression and lack of self esteem. However, as a fully functioning adult if she chooses not to acknowledge the issues and wants to live like this, I cannot see what you can do (and I've failed to do anything myself that didn't result in her screaming at me).

It's different to a parent looking after a child as a parent has authority over a child. If your child won't brush their teeth, you brush them for them (for example). You can't do that with an adult.

Breath that smells like fish does not sound like normal bad breath caused by poor oral hygiene. I would suggest googling this as it may indicate an underlying health problem. If she brushes her teeth, however briefly, she should not have breath that smells like fish. Then you should ask her and/or your dad if they can smell it/ have noticed it and suggest that she get checked out by her GP.

I wonder if its kind of a counter reaction to her ocd and being poor when young. Like she had to try really hard to keep things up and she is too tired /doesnt have the capacity to deal with all that? I think there are MH issues in the backround but not sure how you could help get her do basic self care.
I have no experience or knowledge with things like dementia but I remember people on here often say its started by some weird behaviour.