AIBU to want boundaries with my parents over my daughter?

[Icelolly101]

This is more of an are they being unreasonable. I’m in my 30’s and have a 10 year old daughter (single mum). My parents are my child care as they are retired. I’m so grateful for this as I work full time and they are always more than happy to have my DD they have such a lovely close bond.

However it feels like there are no boundaries at times and it’s starting to frustrate me and make me feel like I’m a child. Here are some examples..

They always just show up at my house and use their key to enter without any warning.

They plan trips away with DD and don’t ask/mention it to me (I find out from my daughter). I found out today they are going away for a week in the summer with her and when I asked my mum the response was ‘well we go away every year’. As though I should have known this was a booked trip on these dates without even a mention of it. This week over laps with when my annual leave is booked so I could take DD away somewhere which now I will have to change.

They make plans with my DD without mentioning it to me despite knowing it is my day off.

I really appreciate their help and I do love them so much and I know one day they won’t be here and I’ll be so annoyed at myself for having these feelings but they don’t seem to understand that I am her mother and need to be kept in the loop or asked. I also don’t want them to feel as though they are just used for childcare and don’t get to do the things they want to do with her unless it works for me. I have mentioned it before but it wasn’t received well which I do understand as they think because they do so much for DD and help out so much with child care they should be entitled to make plans / trips with her as they please.

They have inserted themselves as dd's other parents.. You absolutely can and must make your own plans with dd for your time off.. Tell them they are welcome to take dd away but at your say so.

It wouldn’t really be difficult for them to text you the holiday dates before they booked would it?

They’re taking the piss a bit. Yes they are helping you, but they are also creating more work and hassle by their actions.

They’re using your gratitude to ride roughshod over your life.

Can you ask them to please ask you before booking anything with her, firstly for your permission and secondly to check dates!

Unfortunately you cant cut it both ways.

It sounds like they are to some extent have done de facto parenting.

i get you are a single parent but to contextualise your annoyance at this years holiday - you have allowed them to take her solo on annual holidays repeatedly which is somethong most parents single or not would not agree to.

They clearly love her and overall are a "force for good".
You cant have enough people to love your child.
She 10 and will be independent in 2 years. I'd try and accept their foibles and only really address big or egregious things.

I think it's hard when they're doing free childcare for you, but to assume they can take your child out of the country without asking is really a bit much. It's also setting you/dd up for a fail if they tell her about plans and get her excited for something she actually can't attend because it clashes with something else.

What I'd do in your shoes is say to them that you appreciate how willing they are but you're worried that there is going to come a time when they book something/ tell dd about something before they tell you and it will conflict with something else and she'll be gutted that she can't go. So if they just tell you in advance what and the dates/ times then you can confirm so there's no risk of disappointment for dd.

“Mum and Dad I appreciate that you want to take DD away in the summer and I’m more than happy for you to but I would appreciate it if you would discuss this with me before booking anything.”

”Mum and Dad, in future if you want to stop by to visit please can you message first just to check we’re not out or busy.”

”Mum and Dad, as my time off work is so limited please can you ask in advance if there are days that’s aren’t the usual schedule that you would like to spend with DD so neither of us are disappointed by conflicting schedules.”

You're right to feel put out, especially about the week long trip away. However as your parents are providing a free service you have to step carefully if you want to continue with this arrangement.

In the meantime - communication and boundaries. Knowing how your parents are, you will need to up your communication so asking them their plans for the day / week. And you need to be firm about them arranging things for your days off. Again communicate - tell them not to arrange anything and if they do, tell them No your spending your day off with your DD. You set the boundaries.

Also I'd be telling the parents that they will not be taking your DD away on holiday for a week - you're on leave

Just because op has allowed her to go on holiday with them in the past doesn't mean they can just book her out of the country with no notice in the future! It makes no practical sense for them to do it. Obviously yes great dd is getting the opportunity, op gets a bit of down time etc. But most grandparents would expect to have to ask every time to do this even if they've done it before and know the answer will be yes.

Do you still need their childcare over the rest of their holiday dates? Did you let them know when you had booked leave for?

I'm not saying they are right, but if as far as they knew, they were responsible for childcare over that period, it made sense to them to include her in their holiday. Especially as they have included her in the past.

It sounds like better communication is needed by both parties, or you need to find alternative childcare for the next year or two.

Because of the free childcare/their level of involvement in your child’s life they do not feel they have to consult you in decision making regarding your dd nor do they respect you as the parent.
Your options are -

Speak to them and tell them to stop over riding you re dd. You risk offending/causing a row and they
may or may not listen as they clearly feel they are above you in decision making

Put up with it, in a few years she will no longer need looking after and you can regain some control

Find alternative childcare, their behaviour is due to the fact that they are doing you a favour so it feels to them they can dictate their relationship with your dd regardless of wether it inconveniences you.

I’d hate this but it would be hard to say anything when they are so involved and invested. I’d suck it up this time but maybe get your holidays booked in earlier than them for next year and let them know the dates so there’s no overlap.

OP didn't say it was out of the country. Perhaps she can clarify.

They plan trips away with DD and don’t ask/mention it to me (I find out from my daughter). I found out today they are going away for a week in the summer with her and when I asked my mum the response was ‘well we go away every year’. As though I should have known this was a booked trip on these dates without even a mention of it. This week over laps with when my annual leave is booked so I could take DD away somewhere which now I will have to change.

Well surely you just say - "I have plans with her that week" and they go without her?

How on earth have you tolerated this blatant undermining of you as a mother for so long? Have a conversation and set out your boundaries. Being grateful for their help does not equate to allowing them to take over. How confusing for your DD too to have other adults who make parental decisions for her.

Why in earth should the OP be having to tell them her holiday dates when they won’t extend the same courtesy? This is absolute madness.

How much childcare do they do and for how long?

I have a friend who did full time childcare for both grandkids before school started and then once they went to they did from 7am until school and after school until 6pm.

The dynamic is just that Nan is basically a third parent. She makes a lot of the decisions and buys a lot of their essentials just because she’s always there. They sometimes feel she’s overstepping but what can they say, she’s been a free full time nanny for over 12 years.

I don’t think it’s that mad, it’s communication and planning. Yes, they should tell her the dates but they’re not doing it and she doesn’t want to rock the boat, so this should help avoid the situation where OP can’t take her holiday on the week she wants to.

@Bunnybackinherwarren "They have inserted themselves as dd's other parents.."

They haven't "inserted" themselves! You could equally say they've been "put upon" to do free childcare for god knows how many hours and how many years. You can't expect other people to act as de facto parents without them acting as, well, de facto parents. The OP says they are loving, caring grandparents and that her DD has a very close bond with them. The alternative is simple, pay for a stranger to bring her kid up. Although it goes without saying that that isn't exactly perfect either.

They are behaving like her second parents why didn’t you say something when they booked the week away during your annual leave?

Start taking a stand and talking and objecting to their behaviour.

Its great they do the childcare but you need to be assertive too.

Thank them for taking her on holiday, but say unfortunately you have that time booked off work, so it won't be possible for her to go that week, but you can check the calendar and choose another week.

Yeah I would hate this, I would message your mum and say sorry bit you’ve already got plans that week.

Id ask for the key back re them letting themselves into your house and I would be looking at alternative childcare tbh.

Are they having DD anyway during the day the week they have planned to be away? Asking because when my parents had my kids over the summer holidays for more than one day in a row they used to plan fun things for the kids that might require nights away. I didn't actually mind because it meant staying with grandparents was more fun and my parents didn't feel they had to stay home the whole time to look after them. And then I would take them away for a proper holiday.

"Which now I will have to change"? No, you don't have to. Maybe . . . don't? Tell her DD won't be going away with them, and stick to it. They don't care if they're inconveniencing you; their behaviour will only change if they're the ones being inconvenienced. And take the key back. Or if you're not going to do that, put an extra lock on, so you can stop them just walking in when you're at home. If they turn up at a bad time, don't let them in. Again, they don't care about what works for you - when they've had one or two wasted journeys, they'll change.

They are overstepping. It sounds like they think of themselves as the primary authorities over your daughter's schedule, with you just being the person who happens to be your daughter's birth mom, but who isn't her real parent. I suspect they have infantilised you a bit, in their minds, and think of things as if, since you need their help with childcare, you aren't really capable of managing your life like an adult, and therefore you need them to be the adults and to parent your daughter for you.

There is a bit of a power differential as you need the childcare they provide. They may feel they have a right to do this as otherwise you are using them.

However, if they are undermining you as a mum, and cutting into your time with your daughter (by taking her on trips when you are scheduled to be off work and YOU want to spend time with her) then what they are doing is not only wrong, but is also not in your daughter's best interests. Although it is nice that your parents have such a strong relationship with her, your daughter NEEDS to have a strong relationship with YOU. Your value to your child does not merely lie in being someone who earns money that puts a roof over her head and food on the table. She needs a strong relationship with you and needs to feel that her relationship with you is being prioritized by everyone in her life including her grandparents.

Your daughter is old enough that you may start to phase out the need for so much childcare. Maybe you can budget in some camps or wraparound care at her school, to reduce the need for your parents' help.

Or you can say to them, "I so much appreciate how much you do for us. But you have planned things with Tessa that conflict with days I will be at home. It is important that Tessa be with me on my days off so from now on you will need to get my permission before you plan trips with her or take her out for the day. Unfortunately, you have planned a week away with her in the summer that conflicts with time off I have gotten from work, so you will not be able to take her with you that week as I cannot move my week off. Thanks for understanding."