Am I unreasonable to ask my ex to pay full CMS?

[Clmtxxx]

My ex is a very selfish person and has a pattern of manipulation gaslighting and need for control or one-upmanship. He was abusive and coercive during our relationship.

We share a 2 year old who he sees 4/5 days a month.

Through CMS he was due to pay me £971 a month, however I let him off £170 a month as he begged me not to go through CMS because he has big debts to pay and needed to move out.

This was 9 months ago. I am now seeing he had moved and got a place, has bought himself a new designer wardrobe (always wearing new designer stuff), and has just flown off for a luxury 2 week holiday to Bali with his new missus.

Seeing this, I assume he is financially sorted so I broach the subject of paying the full 971 (a lot of this is arrears). He absolutely flipped and showed me that he still had the same debt he had from before.

I gave him grace to sort himself out and have scraped by for me and my son (we live in london and life is so expensive even with me working part time and getting a small help from UC for rent), however instead of taking the opportunity to sort himself out, he has just spent this money on luxuries for himself and his girl/ friends and is basically pleading poverty. I feel like he has taken advantage of my kindness and I have had enough.

He has made me feel unreasonable saying he hasnt holidayed in 6 months, hes going through "so much"(I havent been for 4 years and endured abuse through the relationship and pregnancy and the BS after, yet I still prioritise my son no excuses).

I know 971 is ALOT of money and most people dont get that. But he earns ALOT and I barely make enough to make ends meet. Plus this is the legal requirement for pur SON. Its also the principle more so the amount of money.

I have a second job to support me also. I am also trying to budget with a charity to cut back on anything I can.

Am I unreasonable for opting to collect and pay the £971? (He will now pay 20% on top for the collection fee also).

Do you know if he's actually paying for these things and not his new GF?

I would try and remain as amicable as possible but explain that things are very right for you and you just want to put your son first. You don't want to go via CMS but feel he is forcing your hand. Give him a date to sort it out by first.

How often does he see your son?

I would tell him you're giving him the option of him paying you £971 every month directly or you go through the CMS where he pays an additional 20%. Yes, £971 is a lot of money, but if that's what the government has decided he should pay 🤷‍♀️.

If you need the money then claim it, go straight through CMS and refuse to speak to him
about it. But if he’s abusive, coercive, gaslighting, controlling… is he really safe to see your child at all? Is the custody arrangement set by a court?

He is taking advantage of your kindness and laughing all the way to his expensive holiday destination. You need to do this for you and your DC right now.

He pays he showed me his minus bank accounts voluntarily. He has always been a big spender and only has designer nothing less. He doesnt want to sort it, he called me greedy and said I was lucky that hes even paying what he is. He told me I was jealous and unreasonable and kept using his uncles death an an excuse to shut down the conversation.

This isnt the first time he has played me around with the truth of money.

He sees our son 5 days a month (every two weeks)

YANBU. The fact he has the same debts is the most pertinent point - he hasn't taken responsibility for them in almost a year. It doesn't matter whether he or his girlfriend are paying for his lifestyle - the fact is that he has one, while in debt, while underpaying for his child. He's taken advantage of you, which you acknowledge - stop letting him.

In that case I would go via CMS and refuse to engage with him about it

Claim the money.

as an fyi Anyone who is voting yabu is voting that because you were insane to agree or put up with this BS in the first place.

Social services dont see him as a risk to our son only to me potentially. Its a joke as I have all the evidence.

But my son is happy to go and his mum is always there. Im not concerned at this point.

I was insane. I was very much trauma bonded and vulnerable but honestly I am so sick of his shit now. Deep down I still feel guilty and unsure of myself but I think he has to feel the consequences of actions now

You did him a favour by allowing a reduction for him to clear his debts. He chose not to do that. He needs to make money for his son a top priority.

£971 is not a lot of money. Kids are expensive. Think of what it costs you to raise your son - housing costs inc rent/mortgage, electricity, gas, council tax. Transport costs. Food. Bed plus bedding and furnishings. Equipment like pushchairs, clothes, shoes, toys, books, swimming sessions, days out to the zoo, beach, farm, museums (providing important informal education as well as entertainment). Babysitting if you ever want to go out because his dad is only caring for him 5 days per month. Holidays (why are these essential for him and not for his child?!). The cost of all these things has gone up drastically in the last couple of years.

100% claim via CMS

The fact he has bank accounts in the red, despite earning well means he will always be shady with paying you what you've agreed because there's risk he'll spend it before he gives it to you. CMS will ensure this doesn't happen as it'll be taken directly. Do not make side agreements with him.

He’s shown you the accounts he’s chosen to show you.

if he earns a lot then there is more somewhere. He’s spending it on himself when he should be prioritising his child.

His child is the number one priority. His lifestyle is irrelevant, who is paying for it is irrelevant and his debts are irrelevant.

The law states he should pay that amount to his child, everything else is just distraction

I don't think you can "opt" for collect and pay, it will be changed to collect and pay if he doesn't pay after you've applied.

YANBU though, if he can afford holidays he can afford to pay for his child, and with that amount of CMS he's on a salary way over £100k. If he can't afford it he needs to budget better.

You can opt and I decided to do it. He is on 98,000 confirmed by hmrc but its 971 he owes due to arrears

OK, so what's happened is that you applied for CMS some time ago and now he hasn't paid you're moving to collect and pay?

Your OP implied you hadn't yet applied.

I applied for CMS and he begged me and guilt tripped me into not doing collect and pay, and I allowed him to pay me informally between ourselves less so he could sort his debt.

Now I told him I want him to pay the 971 informally for the reasons in my post, but he wont, so I want to (and decided to today) to go through collect and pay

That's fair enough and if he didn't want to pay the extra 20% he should have paid to begin with.

Doing it through CMS sounds wise from everything you've said. I think you need to minimise contact and keep it limited to relevant stuff about your child. He sounds manipulative and whiney.