AIBU to insist my share of the house goes to our child?

[TipsyPinkDog]

For context: DP and I have been together for 9 years. First DC due September. Due to be married 2027. DP has a 13 year old DD who was born when he was 18. DP has never had a ‘normal’ relationship with his DD (he has never lived with her) as he worked away when younger and was not in a relationship with the Mother at the time (who was significantly older). He pays maintenance plus ad hoc costs and his parents look after her as GPs would (she stays one night per week at least). Due to moving back to the area, for the last 5 years DP has seen his DD at GPs’ house every week and occasionally takes her and his niece for days out. I am not involved for several reasons, including almost no contact between DP and DD for the first 5 years of our relationship, and the long hours and weekends that I work.

DP owns our current house mortgage free due to an inheritance. I have always paid half of all bills, and half of the odd piece of DIY that has been essential. DP’s Will states that if he dies, 50% of the house would come to me and 50% to his DD. I have never disputed this as it is his inherited money to pass to his DD, and I am grateful that I would also receive 50%.

We have been looking at buying a joint property together for some time now. We agreed in advance that if we were to do this, the money from the sale of the current property would remain separate as DP’s savings, and the new property would be bought with our own savings would be left equally to each other in our Wills. However, once we knew about DC arriving in September, we decided another option (in case a suitable property didn’t come up in time) would be for me to cash buy my share of our current property, and redecorate and get a new bathroom (all cosmetic, we could make do). We would obviously go halves on these costs as it would be half my house.

The issue arises when we were discussing Wills this morning. I used to work in financial planning and so have some understanding. I said that when I buy my share of the current property (or if we found a new property soon), I would need to be added to the house deeds as ‘tenants in common’ rather than ‘joint tenants’. I would then write my Will as a Life Interest Trust ensuring that my share of the property, plus any other assets, would eventually pass to our DC if I were to die first. I suggested DP do something similar to ensure a proportion is guaranteed to go to his DD.

DP immediately said he didn’t like the sound of that, that I was “doing his DD out of money” and that I was being unreasonable. I explained that I am not being unreasonable at all, I would simply be ensuring that my assets eventually return to our DC, and not to his DD as I have no relationship with her and have only seen her a handful of times over the years. I also explained that I can’t really see another option regarding Wills and house deeds. I said if he was not willing to do this, then I would not be buying a joint property with him, nor buying half of the current property from him. If the latter, I would not be contributing to the decoration/new bathroom costs as when DP eventually does sell the property, I would get nothing back. In my previous career, I have seen the implications of Wills not being sorted in advance in situations like this, and children or step-children losing their inheritance, or spouses being left with very little.

Apologies for the long post.

YANBU - I need to forward plan and financially protect myself and our DC.

YABU - I should simply accept that if I were to die first, my assets would join DP’s and would eventually go 50% to his DD.

Thank you

Have you thought about how this would work in practice if you died? With a lifetime trust your DP would effectively be tied to the property, which he might not want in the event of your death especially if he is young. Many people find it too painful to stay in the same house, upkeep might be too costly on a single income, and life moves on.

Most people use lifetime trusts later in life for this reason, it's not very practical for a younger couple who are unlikely to remain in the home forever (or even if they think they are, life can change).

We had similar when DH assumed that our wills would divide our assets between our kids and his daughter so 1/3 each. He was amazed that I was not fine with leaving any of my share to her. I don't have a relationship with her although he does so why he thought I'd be thrilled to give her a couple of hundred thousand dollars is beyond me.

Thank you. Not sure yet if we stay here and I don’t buy half the house. I also suggested putting money aside in at trust for his DD.

And to add, if he does the same you would be tied up in the same way.

Thank y

Nope planned

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you. Change of job not possible for him unfortunately due to skillset and our location. Family and friends have said they will help with childcare. I am also looking into possibility of going PT. Yes happy in general. DP and I have had a great relationship over the years, have lots of common interests. Tbh I have put off discussions of marriage and kids for a while now as I could sort of see this coming.

We have done the same, it's quite normal.

DH's half is split three ways between his two DC from his previous relationship and our one DC.

My half all goes to our one DC.

Each person splits their share of the assets between their own children.

Thank you. No I haven’t got that far yet.

Thank you, my thoughts entirely.

I may have misunderstood but I wouldn't be happy with any property going to any children, surely the surviving spouse must get it? Where will the other live? Will they be forced to sell so the children receive an inheritance?

I get families are complex and surviving spouse may remarry making it further complex but I would want security if my spouse died.

Thank you

Sorry.. I may have missed this. But his plan is to leave his share of the house you are currently living in 50% to you and 50% to his DD. What if that happened sooner than expected? Would she move in with you or ask you to sell up and split the proceeds.

What if you go on to have more children?

what if, god forbid, you pop your clogs whilst they are under 18?
Horrible to think of these things, but that's what will planning is all about.
I had to organise the whole thing because my DH couldn't bear to think about it. LOL. and its hard. Maybe that's why your DP is so worried. He will feel better when he knows that there's a good plan in place.

In your shoes, you both need to get proper wills advice because they will have seen it all before and come up with an equitable and fair solution.. I'm guessing if an expert agrees with you that he will relax a bit once its demonstrated that this is a fair way to do things.

I think you need, as pp said to stick to your guns and possibly draw him a map/family tree.

Thank you. If he were to die unexpectedly as his Will stands, I would have two years to either mortgage the house/sell it and pay his DD her 50%. I had always been fine with that until we were expecting our DC.

Given he becomes defensive when this is discussed, print out the 2 pages of this post and lay it on the table in front of him.

You've asked for opinions so show him.

We have a similar arrangement for my DSD. However the wills have been written so that I have a life interest in this property but I can also.sell it and use all the assets to buy another property where she continues to own a proportion depending upon how much the house will cost.

For example if the mortgage is paid off and it's worth £500k I could buy another property for £500k, and she would own half and I would still be able to live there until I die.

This is complicated because she has SEN needs, but it's an example to show that a life interest can be transferred to another property in a will if necessary.

@TipsyPinkDog I think you are being utterly reasonable. Your 50% goes to your child; his 50% is left to BOTH his children, so 25% each. Ie your DC gets 75% and his sole DC gets 25%.

You are not obliged to (morally or legally) to leave any portion of your assets to a step child and, moreover, I would say that his deciding that he will NOT leave the child he has with you anything is really quite hurtful to your shared child. It signals that he values child 1 more than child 2. It also wilfully disregards any inheritance DC1 may get from their mother/mother’s family.

I think that sounds OK if it happened later on in life, but life can be unexpected. But What if it happened earlier than expected and your child wasn't yet at school. Or you'd had more children. Two years can be a very short time to deal with grief, probate, and selling up to find a new affordable home in the same area etc..and maybe finding a better paying job at the same time.

I don't know enough about will planning to have a solution to this, but an expert would.. But it would make me feel less secure that if someone died I'd have to sell within two years, regardless of how much equity has built up in the house in a shorter than expected time, regardless of my circumstances. Perhaps extra life insurance is required?

Put it this way. Our wills say that everything is left to remaining spouse, and once both have passed on, equally divided between our children. He has to consider both his children, and potentially future ones. As well as you, who would be their solo parent and vice versa

Thank you

Thank you.

Actually, I think the current arrangement - that if he dies the house is split 50% to his DD and 50% to you isn't terrible. You would have 2 years to buy his DD out or to sell and move somewhere else with your 50% plus ypur own money. Your DD would get her 50% of his house via you (along with anything she inherits from you) without this being tied up in a lifetime trust etc.
If you died first, your DD should inherit your assets (which don't include a house) and at that point your DH should surely realise that his will would then be 50:50 between his 2 DC.

All that's a long winded way of saying to keep financially separate - don't buy a share of the current house and just pay a fair share of bills, build a separate pot for your DD. If you do move then go as tenants in common.

Ive married and bought a house 50/50 as tenants in common. If I die my share goes to my child but husband can reside until death.