AIBU to feel excluded by friends whispering and talking in code?

[WalkinginNemphis2]

How would you have handled this?

I'm in a group of 6 friends, we used to be very close but there has been some distance I thought through busyness etc.

Kids all go to same school but different classes and years and clubs so some of us some some more than others if that makes sense.

It has been continually alluded to by Pam we'll call her that she is having a tough time with something, perhaps work replated but I don't know. It seems to be a bit of a secret but is like I said constantly eluded to in the group chat - everyone seems to know but me.

Fine.

However today a meet up was planned with the kids and again in real life this was constantly eluded to and talked about in code and side eyes to me to the point where I felt so uncomfortable I had to leave early - which they clearly wanted me to do. I don't think it has anything to do with anything I've done I think it's Pam's job and maybe something to do with her marriage (I know here husband clearly but my DH and him are not friends).

Now we can tell who we want but it just felt like really shitty behavior and my DCs were having a nice time, I had to promise them McDonalds to get them away.

It had already been an nearly two hrs of whispering and 3 of them wondering off away from me leaving me stood like a lemon.

If you are in a group chat, i might post " hi all, its clear there's some stuff going on that you need to have private time to talk about. That's ok, but if you could let me know before I come with the kids I can nake other plans"

I was close to a (baby to pre school) friendship group, we are all still friends (post school starting) I did struggle at times within the group where I would feel left out & distanced to the group and itbdid cause me anxiety, upset and stress. I read similar threads online and somone said that you should place them where they belong. You don't need to fall out with them or cause issues within the group but put them where they belong in your mind. If they would not do something for you don't do it for them, if you are included in the group enjoy it for what it is, if you are not then it is what it is. These things generally go full circle and often these type of groups end up falling apart to some degree. I have remained on the outside/distanced but still close enough to be involved. We are not best friends (which I have no interest in being) and I dont overshareabput my personal life but I am close enough they will tell me things in confidence (often slagging/gossiping about another in the group ) I always remain impartial and treat them as they deserve to be treated in my friendship hierarchy. This may sound a bit stuck up but I am generally a laid back person and I can't be doing with bitchyness in friendships. Sorry you are going through this OP. Keep them at arms length and try to continue without them having control over you social life.

Are you sure that the code was not because there were children present?Maybe they think you know.

They are extremely rude and childish.

Definitely don’t give them more fuel by bringing it up.

Distance yourself quietly.

This.
Sorry you've been made to feel bad by this playground behaviour. 'Mean girls. '

This. They're clearly not your friends anymore.

Ooph. More of that shitty group dynamic that so often becomes toxic and so often comes up on Mumsnet as an issue.
OK this not a “you” problem.
People don’t feel like an exclusive clique unless they are excluding someone or other. 🙄
Hate this. Seen it at work, (So often at work actually), in groups of female friends, and at the school gates.
Extricate yourself from these people, please OP. You deserve nicer people to hang out with.
Don’t allow them to choose you as the “person to be excluded” so as to make them feel like tighter group with an inner circle.
Some people never grow up.
Once you leave you can wonder who they’ll move onto excluding next- because, there will be someone else. Guaranteed.

Very good advice 👏

This brought back memories of the type of cliques I encountered as a young mum.
I’m sure we all know the type; groups of mainly women, desperate to feel included, but if you don’t quite fit in, it’s a lonely place to be. If I were you, I’d make a swift exit. You can still be pleasant with them, but from a distance. It’s the only way to get perspective and regain your confidence.

I cannot stand this sort of behavior and would directly say something like, ‘look I get that Pam has something going on and you cannot tell me. That’s fine. But I would appreciate it if we could talk about something else. The way you are all whispering around it is making me uncomfortable.’ And then something like ‘So where is everyone going on holiday this summer?’ to make your point and completely change the subject.

The poster who said drift away is 💯 right.

Don’t engage, be too busy to join. Find some new friends.

Don’t message in the chat or any of these other crazy suggestions.

Yanbu.

BTW it’s alluded not eluded.

If they're actually your friends I don't understand why you don't just ask 'what gives?! What are you lot waffling on about?' or something?

Leave the chat and grey rock.